I walked away from unrequited love and I'm in agony
We met by chance 3 yrs ago, and I was so happy to finally find someone who understood me. I had just seperated from my husband, and I was enjoying my freedom. In no way was I looking for a romantic relationship. He was involved with someone and made that quite clear in the beginning, which was a huge relief. I have always gotten along with men better than women, and to find a guy friend who had no hidden agendas was amazing.
We connected immediately, which was rare for me. I am an introvert, so openness was not easy for me. I have always been a strong, intuitive woman. I am always aware of my surroundings and vulnerability has little room in my life. It's a cruel world and I've been through too much to let my guard down easily. But he was so different and I felt so comfortable...too comfortable.
Within 2 weeks, we were finishing each other's sentences. He had told me how important respect and honesty were for him in any type of relationship, and I was happy to oblige. I had wasted too much time in the past with selfish, manipulative people. To find someone with the same values and outlook on life was so important at that point in my life. We would laugh until we cried, and then laugh some more. Then things took a turn, and I never saw it coming.
He suddenly disappeared, and I had no idea why. There was absolutely nothing I said that could've pushed him away. Sure we had some deep conversations, but nothing that would scare someone away. I've never been a clingy person, but I am attentive to others even though I'm very busy. Regardless of what the issue was, I figured maybe he was just really busy so I blew it off. But 2 weeks later, I still hadn't heard from him so I text him to make sure he was still alive. The response I got was not what I expected.
He seemed angry and distant. We all go through rough times, and his job is extremely demanding, but lashing out at me wasn't something I was willing to take. So I backed off. A few days later, he was back to his normal self. I ignored him because I was pissed off, but that didn't last long. The typical easy going nature of our conversation's changed and that's when the confusion set in.
"I could easily see myself falling in love with you"....wth?? And in the very next sentence, "we need to be honest with each other about how we feel". Did I miss something somewhere? What the hell did I say that might have made him think I wanted more? Sure I had a slight crush on him, but he wasn't available so I didn't think much of it. And I definitely hadn't given him any indication of it. What was it that he was feeling that he wasn't telling me? I promised him that I would tell him if I started to feel something more, but at that moment I was really enjoying our friendship and I wasn't looking for anything more. Within a month after that, we grew closer and my feelings for him changed. In some ways, I blame him. Had he not said those things, would I have felt this way?
I was in love...true unconditional love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I had to get control of it. It was too much too fast. So I became distant and I did everything I could think of to let him go. He was in a relationship, and I didn't want to lose what we had. So I didn't tell him. And I struggled to find a way to bury my feelings, yet keep my best friend. He was the one I could talk to about anything. And I refused to ruin that all because I had lost control over my heart. I had to be strong and find a way.
In hindsight, I should've walked away then. But I had no strength when it came to him. I guess when I look back I wanted to find someone I could lose control with and just be in the moment. My whole life has been about being in control of myself and my emotions. When I confessed my love for him, I truly thought he felt the same way. I never would've told him if I thought otherwise. Well, he didn't feel the same. So we stayed friends. Huge mistake on my part.
It has now been 3 years, and I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore. I've asked him to show me some mercy and just let me go. I am in a great deal of pain. The fire that I've felt inside of me and I could see in my own eyes since I was a child is gone. I've seen it dim in the past when going through a traumatic event, but it has never gone out completely until now. Other than the pain, I only feel emptiness. I have gone through the unbearable pain of losing a child, yet this pain is so different. Grieving for someone that is still alive is hell on earth. I have absolutely no one to talk to. He was the one that I would've turned to when I was struggling with something. And now he's gone. The physical pain I feel in my chest is excruciating. There is not enough makeup in the world to cover the sadness in my face...not to mention the horrible black circles around my eyes from lack of sleep. I work alot and stay busy. But no matter what I do, I can still hear his voice in my head and it seems like his face is everywhere I look.
I just want to move forward. I have accepted that for some of us, what makes us happy doesn't stay in our lives for long. But the memories we made in that small amount of time can carry us through the rest of our lives. I would like hear from other people that have endured the pain of unrequited love. How did you move on and do you still feel the pain? Thanks in advance!
