Advice on how to mend a new relationship

Hi everybody

So my situation is a little complicated. Right off the bat I think there's a big temptation to tell me to abandon this relationship or person but that's not on the table. And I will say that while I very much want a romantic relationship, if I can fix things I'll take a friendship in the short term. If the romance never continues I may have to move on but it's just important to me right now that this person and I can speak again.

So here's the situation. I'm 32. I last dated someone in 2016 and the last year and a half have been trying to get my life where I want it and tbh put myself in a place where I didn't really look for or consider romance. I'm a little jaded, a little beat up and tired of all the games and pitfalls, and I'm someone with some abandonment issues and it's just maybe easier not to bother.

Got a new job, a new career in Dec 2017. Very exciting, a major step. Well by mid January I had met someone at work that had reawakened my romantic side. I mean she's really something..just my type..we share so many interests..hit it off right away. But something was a little off. She admitted she liked me but was coy..always making statements how she didn't want to burden me or I could find someone better or she had red flags so maybe I should forget her.

I was smitten so of course that was no option. I couldn't wait to take her on a date. But here's 1 of the complications. I'm not the only one with issues. Weeks before we met her abusive ex-boyfriend of 2 years broke her nose. They recently broke up and she was getting the last of her things from his place and he tried to kill her.

On top of that, she waa diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years earlier. She was apparently in therapy and is aware of some of its effects but no longer goes to therapy.

So now..one day I'm talking to her and she's nearly in tears in the break room. She has opened up to me a lot just through text and breaks and when I gave her a ride home..I want to take her out and spend time with her and I insisted we go.

I put a lot of thought into our date. I knew she would be a little nervous and negative about a date date, so I surprised her. I took her to a park close to home. I brought like a picnic set up of her favorite snacka and drinks, including her fave alcohol rum. And we just talked.

We talked for hours. I learned a lot. She cried. I held her. Both in my arms and her hand. She told me she wished she met me 2 years earlier. She told me no one had taken such good care of her. She told me she had been researching my passion, poker, and day dreaming of being in a relationship with me and us traveling to casinos together and me teaching her how to play.

We made out. She actually started telling me about her sex drive and asked if I could keep up lol. We didn't get drunk but there was a buzz and I wasn't about to take that further because I just was over the moon building this bond with her so I told her I didn't see an issue and changed the subject.

Took her home and we were both enraptured..like such a romantic time. Idk I really never felt that way after a date and that is a huge part of this complex problem.

Because it was all downhill from there.

Over the next 3 weeks, things changed quick. 2 days after our date, she asked me out again for after work- we work till 10. I couldn't be out late because my cat just got back from the vet and I had to follow a schedule with her meds. She understood but I still said I would take her home and we could talk for a bit. Cool.

Well once we got in the car she broke down crying. Said she had cried after our date. She wasn't sure if she could do this yet. It felt awful. Because we both just went in circles..wanting to do this but feeling we shouldn't. I got her home and she asked if she had ruined everything. Of course not, not her fault. She asked for a kiss but I said I didn't know if we should.

From there we kept texting and talking. We decided we would just take it day by day because we both were so happy together. But within a week she disappeared. She started leaving work early every day. Avoiding me. I would text her once a day but no reply. After about 4 days she said she was sorry for not texting but some more personal stuff came up and she was down. Never told me what.

The next few days I tried to hang out with her. I thought she could use it. She told me she was depressed and didn't want to.

Eventually we had a long talk at work and then in text and she confirmed again we should just be casual. But then she disappeared the rest of the week. Left work early, no contact. Finally I managed to catch her when we were both on lunch. She was very flustered..couldn't look at me..said just.pretend she didn't exist and that she couldn't talk about it anymore.

At this point, roughly a week and a half ago, I would say I hadn't really messed up. Running from emotions and pushing people away are huge symptoms of BPD. Plus with her still recovering from her ex and needing surgery now for her nose- he really damaged her sinuses- I understand her pulling away. I kept hanging on because she kept giving me hope and until our last convo she never just said she can't. It was always..maybe we shouldn't but let's try. Then disappear.

But like I said, now is where I messed up. I couldn't just leave her alone. Maybe it's my abandonment issues- no dad, family ostracized me and my mom, never a relationship more than a month- or maybe its because I've legit never felt a connection like this or more important seen potential with someone like this- but I couldn't help myself.

I didn't really see her at work. She would leave early or call out or just avoid everyone. She doesn't really like it and told me she wants to leave anyway. But she really isolated herself. I'm a pretty aware guy and we work in a call center so while I didn't speak to her I did notice she would pick a station way in a back corner. Or if I did see her on a break, it was taking an elevator to an empty floor. She told me she knew of a bathroom no one uses but I think she's been going there for her whole 30 min lunch.

So anyway..I shouldn't have text her but I did. First I sent a long text about how I wanted to see her and hang as friends. Let any romance be in the future. This was because our last convo..she rambled bad but I remember her saying she didn't think we could be together without it being like a date. I just got worried one night about her isolating herself and being depressed so I text that. No reply.

Few days later I text her to let her know I was studying BPD- true- and I was there for her.

Few days later I text something else basically just saying I missed her or something. No replies.

Then the big one. This Tuesday. First, we end up getting breaks at the same time. And I'm in the break room and she comes in and stops in front of me and checks her phone and stuff and then leaves. Never looked at me. I was too choked up to say hi. I couldn't believe it. How could it be this way?

After break we are both asisstant sipervisors and we were assigned to work- together lol. I told myself it would be cool. Just do my job- we didn't have to interact just work in the same desk on this project. I said she'll see me doing a good job and interacting with folks and I'll be nice and it'll be good.

Problem is her direct supervisor kinda flirts with her a lot. Not audacious..just chats her up whenever he can. I didn't care when I was en route to being her man. But he sat next to her and I and they chatted it up and I couldn't take it.

How could she be laughing and smiling with him and just ignoring me..I didn't do anything..I never blamed her I only uplifted her..it wasn't that I was thinking ooh they're gonn hook up- he's engaged and obviously she's got many issues right now- but it just killed me. What can I say..I'm human. I've beaten myself up about it a lot lately but it is what it is.

I cracked- nothing major. I just was like damn it she needs to talk to me so we can atleast be friendly again. This total cold shoulder is killing me. So I slipped her a note. It said want to go to lunch and talk? Because for once our lunches would be the same time.

She just set it aside. Later when supervisor was gone and we were alone I said so yay or nay..she said no no no. I said c'mon..she just looked straight ahead. At this point I got flumoxed. I wrote her a note that asked when did I become the enemy? Idk if she ever read it. She crumpled it up and stuffed it in her pocket then went to find the supervisor.

When she came back she moved to the back of the office. I went to lunch and sent a long like 9 part text venting how I'm sorry I shouldn't have bugged her but I just miss her and idk why she can't even acknowledge me in the break room. I didn't really attack her just kinda cried to her about how this all sucked and I wished we could atleast talk.

Well fast forward 2 days and HR calls me in. When she went off with her supervisor she had filed a complaint that I tried to "force" her to have lunch with me.

I explained everything..probably too well..but we do have a lax policy on employee dating and I just wanted them to know this wasn't some guy who kept getting rejected but rather someone who forged some sort of connection that just got cut off. They said it sounded minor but I should just avoid her.

She took the next 2 days off and I won't work with her again till Tuesday. Needless to say I haven't contacted her.

Now I'm sorry this was so long. But my thing is..I know ultimately what I did wasn't some awful horrible thing but I really really want to make things right. I can't help but want to be in a relationship with her down the road and I really don't want her hating me. If nothing else I will take friendship.

Now I know folks will say "BPD run!" And I've laid this out on a BPD forum as well. But I wanted to bring it here because I feel it's a cop out to just say "she has issues and flipped out and be happy I got out when I could". I feel like there's another side and it's one where I'm at fault.

And I want to fix it. Even if its months from now. I already want to see the day I text her and reopen the communication. I fear she might have just blocked me after those 9 texts so my backup would be writing her a letter and leaving it at her doorstep with a gift. Again in months if I haven't heard from her.

I just don't know. Ladies..does she hate me now? Can I save this? She stuck around 2 years with terrible abuse but the relationship was established. Ours was cut short..unfortunately right when I was in the honey moon phase thinking about her all day and wanting to spend every second with her.

I'm honestly hurting bad over this. Never have felt anything like this. What can I do? And please don't say she's not worth it. She's is to me.