Well I guess I'll start this by writing a little about myself.
Im not stunningly good looking, but neither am I ugly. Im just your average looking guy. I dress kinda stylish, i'm into my hiphop but I don't dress in chains and roc-a-wear and all that. I guess im kind of individual. I've always been quite a popular guy. But i'm not outgoing at all, infact im quite shy. When I feel shy I either clam up and don't say a word or I portray a false image of myself as a loud, joker etc. People seem to like and want to get to know the later me, people talk to me and congregate around me. But its not me. Thats not who I am. I started University a few months ago. Although people think I am extremely confident and I portray an air of confidence, I'm not. On one hand I don't want to "beg friends" as in act really clingy to them but on the other hand I want to make friends. All my old buddies are now at other Universities all over the country, and although I see them often it just feels like something is missing. In the first week we were here, everyone drank alot and got into groups of friends. Due to my personality and my music taste I found this nearly impossibly. I'd rather watch paint dry than sit in a huge commercial club and listen to horrible pop music. But this was what everyone did, and this was how friendships were made. I didn't do this. I sat in my room and went out only 3 times in the first week. I literally had people knocking on my door asking me to come out in the evening with them 3/4 times every day. But I didn't... It wasn't me... I dont know.. why did I do this?
Ok, I've now been here nearly 3 months. In my heart of hearts I like it here. But i'm lonely. I speak to people every day, I go out about twice a week, maybe more. But I'm still lonely. When I speak to people I'm always thinking about what I'm saying and how they will percieve me, im never spontaneous. I look deeply into every single response, movement.. whatever than anyone makes. If someone says they'll do something and don't/forget I take it personal, I think they hate me and I start ignoring them or treating them like shit. I don't go to the bar alone and speak to people because they'll think im a loser. The image people have of me is a confident quiet guy.. Now im not a nerd or anything, and I have nothing against nerds. But I've always been extrememly popular, and I know people reach out and try to make friends with me. But I put up so many barriers.. I am so shallow. I look at someone and instantly think "**** em, I dont like em" just because they have an ACDC hoodie on or something like that. This is terrible.. I wish I wasnt like this, but I am.
Anyway, to cut a long intro short.. I've not got a single good friend here. I cant see myself making a single good friend here. I've got one friend in his second year who I knew from school, but he dosent count. Hes not in my campus, he works alot and I know I should be making friends with people on campus. I've got another group of buddies who are all cool people but they love pop music, going out getting ****ed up (I love this too) and going to cheap student clubs. Nothing wrong with it, but its just not my scene. I find myself HATING the music and HATING the people there. Anyway, my troubles may seem pretty minor now, but shit gets deeper.
My pops died when I was 2, my mom raised me and my little brother alone since then (im now 20, hes 18). We always been close, at least tried to be. But even with them I put up barriers, like I do with everyone. Im always watching what I say, what I do, how I act so I can preserve some "image" of me I want them to have (sounds complicated I know). 2 Weeks ago I went home and had a big argument with my bro, he ended up in the bath trying to slit his wrists. Now i've never suffered from depression, or if I have i've just bottled it up and got on with it (perhaps im depressed now?). I couldnt understand what he was going through.. I got the knife off him, dude had lost alot of blood. Kept telling us he didnt want to live. Now hes in a psychiatric place. Anyway, I cried alot over this.. It really upset me.. or so I though. But I should be really sad about this, I just seem neutral. I feel for my bro but I got no feelings about what I went through, what I saw, what I said to him. I just dont feel anything.
Ok, so thats the personal bit done. This is actually helping now, I didnt think it would. I never done something like this before on the internet. So anyway, heres the bit which really I'm ashamed about. As I said, im not an ugly guy at all. Girls seem to like talking to me quite alot, I always make them laugh. As i've always been quite popular, ive had girls making passes at me, in clubs i've had girls dancing with me etc. But somethings wrong with me, I aint gay.. but I just dont have the confidence to touch them, kiss them, embrace them.. I want to I really really want too. But I cant. I dont want them to think Im some lecherous creep. I want to be a gentleman, I want to spend quality time with a girl. I dont want to **** them and leave them. I want to talk, laugh, enjoy eachother mentally. As a result I find myself unable to dance or make any advances with a girl whatsoever. Im terrified of being percieved as a creep or being rejected. I know girls are different, some will make the first move and others wont. I know if I went out and I was real confident and put out the "fake" me I could get with alot of women, guys always say that. But this isnt bullshit. Im being totally honest here. Anyway, Im 20 and im still a virgin. Infact, **** that.. I havent even kissed a girl. I've even had girlfriends, like we been together but I cant bring myself to do anything. Im not the kind of guy who justs wants to **** (as I said earlier) I want to just BE with someone.
So, I met this girl.... she is beautiful. I've never met a girl like her in my life. It was her beauty that first attracted me to her. But then me and her went to another area of our country this weekend (it was a 2 hour journey there+back).. she always tells me stuff like im a legend, im cool, im funny and shes always laughing when shes with me. Her friend told me she talks about me all the time. Its now come to the point where I couldnt care less how she looks, I love her mind. I love who she is how she talks what she says. She really makes me laugh and Im so happy when Im with her. But, as I've told you.. I find it impossible to make a move with a girl. And I don't even know if she likes me in that way, if she did she isnt the kind of girl to just jump on me or anything. Every time were not together I feel like I miss her, I feel terrible. Every time she sends me a text I feel wonderful, if she dosent reply I feel terrible again. I just want to be with her, but I dont want to ruin our friendship as its one of the few true friendships Ive got here. What should I do?
