My head is in the shed and I really don't know what to do

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05-12-05, 05:08 PM
Grim

My head is in the shed and I really don't know what to do

As the title goes, my head is in the shed and I really don't know what to do :(

I'm currently in a relationship that has been going on for about 4 years. We've been engaged for 2 years. Furthermore, we have a daughter that is just over 6 months old now.

However, for at least 18 months, probably closer to 24 months the relationship has been seriously having problems. We are regularly arguing and she's threatened to break it off about half a dozen times in the last 6 months. To be fair, we’ve both ignored each other (I’ve sat on the pc/xbox whilst she has sat there watching junk on TV).

In this time (last 18 months) she has put on weight (quite a lot due to the baby, some to the food and drink she's been eating). She seems stuck in a cycle, maybe even depression (we've discussed her seeing a dr but she hasn't done anything about it and keeps putting it off). The weight has really knocked her self confidence for six. I keep trying to help her with it, and of late I’ve been paying her loads of attention but she keeps flying off the handle at the smallest thing. At times I really, really want out.

On Friday nite I went out with a load of work mates. I ended up staying with a couple of female work colleagues. Nothing at all happened, and we all had separate bedrooms. However, I had some fun, let my hair down and went out and partied and talked till about 4.30 in the morning. At this point I’d realized that I hadn’t being enjoying the last 2 years of my life really at all and feel like I’m wasting it with someone who doesn’t want me.

Its, the fact that me and my partner no longer really get on. She snaps at the smallest thing and I’m starting to react more and more back. I’ve had to restrain her a couple of times and she’s accused me of attacking her! I haven’t (just stopped her charging out or hitting me) and so I don’t think it’s at all healthy for my little daughter to be brought up in such an environment.

My problem is (beyond the above) that I’m really starting to fall for one of the girls in the office. We get on really well, have loads of things in common and regularly chat about anything and everything. Whilst I’m not stupid enough to do anything whilst in a relationship, or get involved (if me and my partner split) too quickly afterwards I like her a lot and want her to know this. However, at the same time I don’t want to destroy our friendship.

Certainly the birth of my daughter was the most incredible experience of my life and will stay with me forever – I love her to bits and this is what makes things all the more difficult :(

What should I do?
05-12-05, 09:40 PM
Junsui

Ok, now I'm not sure when you guys started having problems since you go from 18 months, to 24 months to 6 months? I'm trying to find this article I read just the other day which I think would apply to this, but of course I can't find it lol. She just had a baby and maybe going through postpartum depression..... Ok, I found the article [URL=http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041217-000001.html]Article[/URL]
06-12-05, 04:32 AM
indigosoul

First, DON'T do anything w/this other woman. You are in flux right now (i.e. you're f ucked up) and are not in a position to make a rational decision about all this. Step back, breathe.

Marriage is FULL of these kinds of ups and downs. Completely normal. Especially after the birth of a young child. You're both probably seriously sleep-deprived, which makes anyone edgy and cranky. So you know, young ppl ALWAYS want to give up when they hit the first real bump in the relationship. Don't. Its waaaayyy too soon.

You are both suffering emotionally b/c you have a new commitment, your child, that is taking away from having those needs met. The first step is to be aware that this is the problem, not that you don't care about each other. The next step is to figure out what to do about it. STRONGLY suggest some kind of outing once a week, even if its just for an hour, sans baby, to reconnect w/each other. Don't spend the whole time complaining, either. Take 30 minutes to discuss "issues" and the rest where that stuff is off-limits. Fun stuff only.

There are others on here who will also have good advice ideas. Hope this helps as a start.
06-12-05, 04:35 AM
indigosoul

Shh (sorry, Vash), Hayward, Miso, Asip... Help??

And anyone else has kids and/or been in LTR???
06-12-05, 04:48 AM
Asip4u

I agree that it's normal what they're going through, indi. There's no easy fix and since she refuses to seek help someplace else, you'll have to work on this with her. Making a schedule where you to do something out of the ordinary would help i think simply because you need to get away from this "We have a kid and everything has changed" phase. Even though kids do change things, you cannot stop doing certain things that you did BEFOREHAND.

You need to make her feel loved and appreciated and put 100% effort into this. I'm not saying you're not, however, it's always easier to just give up and look for something that's more "comfortable".
06-12-05, 04:52 AM
Junsui

It's tough when your SO sits at the computer all day and doesn't pay you any attention.
06-12-05, 05:04 AM
Asip4u

Quote:

Originally Posted by Junsui

It's tough when your SO sits at the computer all day and doesn't pay you any attention.

All she needs is a good shake, Jun. If he keeps doing all these things like helping her out and she's still not coming out of it. All he has to do is give her a serious talk about leaving and she should be able to bounce back. Hopefully he won't need to go there.
06-12-05, 05:12 AM
Junsui

What? If it's postpartum depression, she won't just pop out of that. Shh! would probably be better at talking about this than me.
06-12-05, 05:18 AM
Asip4u

Quote:

Originally Posted by Junsui

What? If it's postpartum depression, she won't just pop out of that. Shh! would probably be better at talking about this than me.

Yea, I shouldn't say much more either. I just think this will take awhile so he can't give up now even if she isn't paying attention.
06-12-05, 05:18 AM
indigosoul

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asip4u

All she needs is a good shake, Jun. If he keeps doing all these things like helping her out and she's still not coming out of it. All he has to do is give her a serious talk about leaving and she should be able to bounce back. Hopefully he won't need to go there.

I think Junsui meant HIM, not her w/the computer comment... Anyway, the serious talk is a good idea, but I would suggest it w/lots of reminders about how much they love each other, why they are important to each other, their child, etc.

I don't think its ever a good idea to threaten to leave someone as a method for evoking change. Ppl have to want to change for their own reasons, not out of fear or insecurity. And, I'll guess here, she's probably insecure w/a new child, her weight, etc. Not good. If she's got any backbone (or if she is truly depressed) she may just say "go ahead". Then what??

NEVER threaten to leave unless it is the absolute last resort and you are prepared to go through w/it. IMHO.
06-12-05, 05:19 AM
Junsui

I agree this will take time and I think it requires therapy.
06-12-05, 05:39 AM
Rosebud

Oh my... Yes yes yes...it sounds exactly like the classic Post pardum depression. You have to understand what's going on with her is not directed necessarily to you. Her emotions are all over the place so the smallest thing will set her off. The bad news is this can last for more than a year depending on the person. If she still see's her Gyno she can mention this to them and they can prescribe some medication for her for this, if not she has to find ways to releive her stress and anxiety. If she can find soemone to watch the baby for a night or so, and she can get out of the hosue with friends that would help a little.

When you ahve a child it's totally differnet from when it was just you two. tehere is added needs, stress, love, caring and all kinds of things that you are taking on almost instantaneoulsy it seems. I understand you don't know how to ahndle all this and because of that you ahve statrted becoming interested in someone else, but you shouldn't. I know sometimes you can't help how you feel but you ahve to understand this does not last forever and this is one of the things that comes along with having a child. A womans' whole body changes through all of this in ways a man could never understand. Bones move, emotions soar, and everything that used to be clear before is no longer. This is the time where most people ahve problems in their marriage/relationship. If you can get through this you can get through anything. Trust me on this.... I know it's hard but there is an end to all this.
06-12-05, 06:00 AM
vashti

Why is everyone so quick to blame her? We are only getting HIS side of the story. Maybe she is just stressed out because even after she has delivered his baby, he STILL hasn't made a marital commitment to her. That would definitely freak me out, because that little piece of paper is the closest thing a girl can get to a promise that the guy intends to stick around and help raise his own child.

Grim: Indi is 100% correct. This IS what adult relationships look like: a continuous cycle of ups and downs. Naturally some other woman is looking better to you right now. She hasn't come to represent the responsibility that lies on your shoulders now that you are a dad.

I suggest you man-up and read (and re-read) Indi's posts. It is time you place the interests of your child above your own. If you had the vaguest idea of what a step-family looks like from your child's perspective, you would run away from this other woman and never look back.
06-12-05, 06:17 AM
indigosoul

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Why is everyone so quick to blame her? We are only getting HIS side of the story. Maybe she is just stressed out because even after she has delivered his baby, he STILL hasn't made a marital commitment to her. That would definitely freak me out, because that little piece of paper is the closest thing a girl can get to a promise that the guy intends to stick around and help raise his own child.

...Si.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Grim: Indi is 100% correct. This IS what adult relationships look like: a continuous cycle of ups and downs. Naturally some other woman is looking better to you right now. She hasn't come to represent the responsibility that lies on your shoulders now that you are a dad.

...Oui.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

I suggest you man-up and read (and re-read) Indi's posts. It is time you place the interests of your child above your own. If you had the vaguest idea of what a step-family looks like from your child's perspective, you would run away from this other woman and never look back.

...and damn straight, Vash!!

:sigh of contentment:

I really like reading posts that I completely agree with. Soooo satisfying...

:lol:
06-12-05, 06:44 AM
Rosebud

Well yea you say the problems started around 2 years ago which is around the time you got engaged right? I can think some of the problem started before the child was born which can probably relate to not setting a date or following through with the wedding but I'd ahve to say some of the things he mentioned above are classic signs of Post pardum depression as well. So it may be a lot of both!