Was it the right thing to do???

Okay, this is the first time I have done anything like this so I apologize. I just need some new perspectives on what is going on in my relationship.
My bf lives with me. He has an addiction, one that I cant stand. He does this addiction 2-5 times a day. For the past six months I have tried to put up with it; rationalize with my self why it could be a good thing, stuff me real feelings down, unhealthily think that he will just stop. But I cant do that any more. It hurts too much.
So, two days ago I broke up with him. There are a couple of problems. The first one is that we live together.We both dont have anywhere else to go, not that I am sure either one of us would leave. Some would call me a fool for that, but, I just am so confused. Second, is that he says that now he is going to quit. Well, at least he is going to try to quit. I have told him that I wont be his gf as long as he practices his addiction. so do i get back with him, in hopes that he will quit/ stay quit. Or do I wait and see? I want to help him in any way that I can because I love him. I care for him so much. I just dont know if i am making the right decision. Please, any feedback is welcome.

What is his addiction?

Generally speaking, I think addictions are a solo problem to fix, and it is often best for loved ones to take a hands-off approach for their own emotional well being. Hard to tell though, without knowing what the problem is.

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Originally Posted by vashti

What is his addiction?

Generally speaking, I think addictions are a solo problem to fix, and it is often best for loved ones to take a hands-off approach for their own emotional well being. Hard to tell though, without knowing what the problem is.

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He is addicted to pot. I know that some would think this is nothing, but it is to me. Before I met him, I wouldn't stand it. He was my exception. In the begining, he hid his problem from me; afraid that it would push me away. So I fell in love with him, and then found out. And he changes so much when he is high. He treats me so differently. Like an object, there to do what he wants when he wants. I mean, not all the time, but recently, more often.

i personally think you did the right thing. i know people that have dumped their significant other because of alcohol use, drug use, gambling, and other addictions. addictions are addictions because the impact our lives significantly and negatively. no one wants to be around that...and no should put themselves in a situation where they have to endure that. get out.

do not get back together with him until he has quit his addiction for a considerable amount of time...and even then, be very wary...look for signs he's hiding a return to his addiction. be convinced he has quite for HIMSELF...for HIS OWN BENEFIT...and merely to get you back.

in the meantime, try to move out by getting some money together and looking for prospective roommates or whatever. just be his friend and help him kick his habit. seriously, just be a friend. no dates and going out like you used to...no sex...no making out. strictly platonic for a good while.

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Originally Posted by too_far

I know that some would think this is nothing, but it is to me. Before I met him, I wouldn't stand it. He was my exception.

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NEVER EVER SETTLE. i feel very strongly about this and have said those same words many times in these forums even though i have not been around here that long. never ever settle. that was your mistake. you should have cut ties as soon as you learned he did pot.

so many times i see people fall in "love" with someone with some trait that they really do not like. and they try to overlook it. it NEVER works. they ALWAYS break up. and many times it's just awful, heartbreaking, soul destroying sort of thing...cuz the person was so close to what they wanted. see...that was the mistake...settling for someone that's "so close"...screw that, close isn't good enough.

there's someone out there that will fulfill EVERYTHING that he fulfills in your life but without the pot. who knows...maybe if you're lucky, it's actually this guy when he quits. or maybe it's someone else. point is, do NOT compromise when looking for someone to have a future with. there's serious NO reason to.

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Originally Posted by funsounds

NEVER EVER SETTLE. i feel very strongly about this and have said those same words many times in these forums even though i have not been around here that long. never ever settle. that was your mistake. you should have cut ties as soon as you learned he did pot.

so many times i see people fall in "love" with someone with some trait that they really do not like. and they try to overlook it. it NEVER works. they ALWAYS break up. and many times it's just awful, heartbreaking, soul destroying sort of thing...cuz the person was so close to what they wanted. see...that was the mistake...settling for someone that's "so close"...screw that, close isn't good enough.

there's someone out there that will fulfill EVERYTHING that he fulfills in your life but without the pot. who knows...maybe if you're lucky, it's actually this guy when he quits. or maybe it's someone else. point is, do NOT compromise when looking for someone to have a future with. there's serious NO reason to.

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This attitude can be either incredibly admirable or incredibly destructive. For the uninitiated to this idea, you better be sure which end you're coming from before adopting this as a general philosophy.

I think everyone should have a list of "deal breakers". Many things can be negotiated, but there are certain characteristics that (for me) are deal breakers. For example, I was very certain I would never be able to live with a man who complained about having to work because I can't stand laziness, and so I was sure to put on my list that I require a man who enjoys his profession. I was also unwilling to settle for anyone who had trouble with drugs or alcohol or who was frivolous with money on a regular basis, or one who could not be trusted. These things were requirements. I was more negotiable about looks, hobbies, taste in music, etc. Yeah, my husband listens to rotten music, likes crappy movies and even bowling. :horror:

When you are young, you may not have a clearly defined idea of what your boundaries are, which is part of the purpose of dating. You should use this as a learning experience to help you define what you will and won't put up with in a future boyfriend, and eventually a husband.

I would personally steer clear until he has demonstrated that he has left this part of his life behind for quite some time before I would consider dating him again, and I wouldn't abstain from dating other people in the meantime.

that's what i was talking about..."deal breakers".

i mean, our original poster did not stand for pot smokers until this guy. it was a deal breaker for her...until this guy. MISTAKE. and i've seen other people do that...they have self-professed "deal breakers" but end up falling in "love" and overlook what they had previously professed to be a "deal breaker." does not seem to work...every instance in my life or the lives of my friends that has happened, it ends in separation.

you gotta stick FIRM to your deal breakers no matter how wonderful the person seems otherwise...

yeah..."deal breakers" was what i was talking about. i mean, i don't give a rats ass that my gf actually likes soap operas, reality tv, and mariah carey!

pot isn't adictive.. if he wont give it up for you he dont love ya

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Originally Posted by cheazypeaz

pot isn't adictive.. if he wont give it up for you he dont love ya

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marijuana isn't as addictive as alcohol or tobacco or cocaine...but i don't think it's accurate to say marijuana isn't addictive at all. animal and human studies show physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, including irritability, restlessness, insomnia, nausea, etc. many people each year seek out help for marijuana addiction.

hrmm... for anyone around the forums that knows me, believe it or not, i was ready to give up a huge part of my drinking for the past girl that i was with. and when i say huge, i'm a hard liquor drinker and being that i love crown roal the most, i was ready to give up this whiskey.

now with that out of the way, i think that if you care for someone truely, you can give up or sacrifice almost anything with an exception. you should be able to control any vice first of all. secondly, if it's not controlable, then you might need some help.

as for your problem, you didn't do anything wrong. you were looking out for your own ass first because obviously your bf didn't care enough to think about you. give it time and if he doesnt change, you probably might want to start making plans to move out.

raverboy

ahh woman , come on , its only a little grass ...

NOT

i used to be a HUGEE weed smoker , it ruined some pretty important things in my life i tell ya , wtv , if he doesnt want to listen there is NO WAY he will change , only HE can change this . if he doesnt learn now with you , then he will learn the rough way and then he will regret it deeply .thats IF he really did care about you

I just want to thank you all for your inI was basically thinking along the same lines; but it is always good to hear that other people see it the way I do. I am currently looking into moving out to a friends house, but we shall see. I know this is not the topic of the forum, but does anyone know anything I can do to help him quit??

pot may not be an addictive substance but his reaction to it might be. Either way, if it's something that bothers u and goes against your morals and values then u shouldn't put up with it. Not to mention he wasn't fully honest with you and hid this problem from you even though he knew that u didn't approve. You can help him get through quitting but you cant make him quit. One of my exes had a negative change when he drank alcohol. He was verbally and emotionally abusive so I left him and he still wants back with me, but i told him that i can't stand the excessive drinking.And yes, we did live together. He was also the biggest pot smoker ever and would even say that he would quit cigarettes before smoking pot, and although that didn't bother me and much to my surprise, he quit pot, which had nothing to do to me.

And on the topic of moving out- You can either live together and be miserable or live alone and elsewhere and be happy. That's pretty much what it boils down to my dear.

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Originally Posted by too_far

He is addicted to pot. I know that some would think this is nothing, but it is to me. Before I met him, I wouldn't stand it. He was my exception. In the begining, he hid his problem from me; afraid that it would push me away. So I fell in love with him, and then found out. And he changes so much when he is high. He treats me so differently. Like an object, there to do what he wants when he wants. I mean, not all the time, but recently, more often.

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you don't get addicted to pot. you can get addicted to tobacco, nicotine, alcohol or caffeine, but not pot. so he doesn't need to be helped giving it up, he must "only" make up his mind to.
if you don't like the way he treats you when he is high, you ought to show this very clearly to him – leave the room, don't talk to him, whatever. this might make him quit, but it might also just make him hide his habit better in the future – could you live with that?