Impending breakup, We moved too fast now its complicated to end it, any help?
This is going to going to be a long message, so I appoligize in advance. Well, I don't know exactly where to start except that I went through a breakup about six months ago, not more then a month after that I met someone else, she had just been through a relationship where her EX put a knife to his stomach in front of her two children, one 4, and the other a baby.
She had no Job, money, anything, her mom moved her into a trailer and got her a car. I met this woman on the internet and had been talking to her before all this happened with her boyfriend at the time. She lived about an hour away from me and I went over there to visit occasionally, I think it might have been a rebound but I started dating her.
Unfortuently her mom (maybe knowing she makes rash decisions) had told her that no one was to stay at the place, well to make a long story short it in only three weeks I convinced her to come stay with me at my apartment (this happened after a huge blowout with her mom telling her she wasn't allowed to see me). After that she moved in here with her two children and things went well for a while, but things have started to bother me, I'm not the cleanest person in the world but she doesn't clean up after herself at all, except after I'm made to feel bad for saying something about it.
I'm not used to children at all as well, They are good kids, but i'm not sure I can handle all the noise and the responsibility of raising them in the future. I'm pretty much living in the basement now and I realize that I made a brash horrible decision to rush into living with her but I'm starting to feel like I'm not sure I'm in love with her anymore, we don't really talk a whole lot about anything, I don't care to spend much time with her, and since she doesn't have a car anymore (her mother took that from her when she left) she isn't working and has no income of her own.
We've been together about six months now and I'm sure that I don't want to be with her romantically but I have no idea what to do, I'm going to get her a car soon so she can work but I feel so horrible about this, she doesn't have an income, i'm not sure about how she'll deal with daycare while she works (govt subsidized maybe?) and housing, subsidized as well? Being homeless is an issue obviously, I care for her and worry about these things, but I don't really want to continue the relationship.
Even with all these issues its tearing me up to pretend everything is ok until she can get on her feet. If I were to break up today I would have to live with an EX for perhaps months before she could possibly move to a place, her relationship with her mom is not so good, her mom picks up the kids to spend time with them but other then that they don't really bond so her mom may not help at all. I'm really not sure what to do, should I just stay with her and pretend everythings ok until she gets a job so that if I finally break up with her she'll have at least for some prospect of independance or should I say something.
If I did, I would tell her that she can stay here until she figures something out, but its going to be heartbreaking and tough on both of us, especially her, and with no idea when she can get out on her own it will be even tougher. I feel so guilty for bringing her here when its not working out, taking her from a place where she had a prospect.... and then this happening. I'm also a little worried about how motivated she is to be independent even though we are together, I have mentioned getting her a car so she can work and she doesn't seem the least bit excited about being able to get out of the house or do anything on her own.
Its really a horrible situation, I hope someone can shed some light on what would be the right course of action in something like this, should I say something now, or should I wait and hope she gets it together enough to be able to get out on her own before I say anything. Sorry for the long message, but I have so much anxiety about this whole thing. I would appreciate so much any advice.
Mike
Sorry, should have put more thought into that.
Sorry for the huge blurb. Unfortuently its a really big story so I have to write alot but I'll try to organize it better.
Ok, to start I got with a woman with two children (one 4 and the other a baby) about a month after getting being broken up with. She got out of an abusive relationship and her mom set her up with a trailer and car. Her mom had some strict rules that she was not to have anyone stay over there, we did it anyway and eventually it got to the point where I was sneaking in.
Eventually there was a blowout and I told her she could come live with me, a huge step that I wasn't prepared for but I was so infatuated that I did it anyways.
So, now, its been about 6 months, she doesn't have a car, or a job and I cannot support her children without help from my family, to add to this, I'm not sure that i'm in love with her anymore and have been avoiding being around her more and more, I'm practically living in my basement now.
I've decided that I can't be with her but I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. She has no way to just move out and i've offered to get her a car so she can work and I have been looking for one but she doesn't seem all that interested in it (hasn't asked me after looking how that went or anything)
So right now, i'm stuck in a situation where I don't know how long it will be before she can get out on her own or how to go about helping her to do this. Its going to be really hard to live with someone that i'm not with right after a breakup and with no sense of when it will be resolved its even harder.
I still care about her very much, and worry for her, I've hoped that if I got her a car that she would get on the ball and find subsized daycare and then I could drop the bomb that its not working out but that could be a long time and its tearing me up to pretend everythings ok.
Any advice on how I should handle this? Especially the emotional time after the breakup, I've been broken up with before but it feels just as bad to me right now doing it, especially with her not having any prospects and with what happened with her mom it doesn't seem like she'd help, but with the kids involved it is a possibility, but it feels so distant.
thank you all in advance
Mike
