Need insights.

Hey,

This is probably a pretty common story, but I just need some insight and advice on this as I am not all at all experianced enough in relationships to even comprehend what is going on.

I met this girl online a couple of weeks ago and we get along incrediably well, so we decide to meet like with a few days of talking. We've only seen each other 4 or 5 times(I guess they are dates) and it seems like the "relationship" just escalates everytime and almost feels self destructive.

"Date" 1: Basically agreed to meet at a club and listen to the local bands, after they were done we just talked until the place shut down and just started walking around talking more, it was great.

"Date" 2: This happened to be like 3 days after the first meeting, we went to this art gallery thing and then, again, walked around talking, ended up in a pub, talked some more, they closed, so we walked around finding another place to talk, there wasn't one. So we ended up at my apartment and just talked more until morning. And I don't know if taking a girl to your apartment is some sort of act that you want to get physical or anything, because it wasn't ment like that, but yeah, we did start kissing (I think we also cuddled in bed, since by this time it was like 5am and we both had work, so it was just resting, nothing sexual)

"Date" 3: Went to see a movie, walked around talking, went for food, again by this point it's like 2am, and we are a long way from my apartment so at this point you'd probably call it an evening, but I guess she wanted to watch a movie or something so we go back, and then once again start kissing and a lot more touching this time.

"Date" 4: Ok it's this tuesday(valentines day, but we didn't see each other because of it, we don't really believe in the bs around it, what happened would have happened on every day) She wants to come over, watch a movie and make some sort of desert. So she does and we talk for maybe 30 minutes, it wasn't very long at all, and we are all over each other. It basically gets way out of control and we cover everything from a-z of sexual acts(well probably not, but I'm a naive farm boy, so it was pretty extensive to me) While it was surreal and felt great, I think both of us felt a bit unnerved in the morning, it wasn't like we were drunk and had sex, this was like consciouss decision making; basically we rushed it I think.


So anyway, yeah we rushed it, yeah it's a bit embarressing, but it's also great too that we feel so strongly. But this is where it gets weird and I get confused...

A day passes, I don't hear from her, she finally sends me an email and I think I literally shuttered at how cold it was. It wasn't blatent, but she had always had this really poetic form of writing, but this was different, this was sterile and unnerving.

Within the same day or the day after she is on msn and we talk and this doesn't sound good at all, I am getting the distinct impression of a "break up" here. She's talking about just being friends and how she needs to talk to me in person on Saturday(today)

I think after that, it's night and we're both on msn, I went out and got drunk I didn't need to think about this, she apparently did the same but maybe for different reasons, and we just have this vicisious fight(yeah over msn, we're geeks) I don't even know what the hell happened or why she is acting this way, it also questioned how I was acting and what I might have done?

Anyway, the next day,(4am on Friday), so it basically ends with her logging out, I send a smide remark back and that was that. Though apparently her computer just died and she didn't just run out of the conversation, that and we were both under the influence of something so I think we realized the conversation was pointless. I send her an email just describing how I feel and what is going on(though msn doesn't save it in history so at this point I can't even remember what I said in detail) but I get an email later in the day of her apologizing and it seems more like normal from the person I know. We talk some more through out the day on msn and last night, and it seems like things are getting back to normal, but she still wants to talk tonight(saturday).

Why such a specific day/time? What's going to happen here? Why break up with me when we had such a wonderful time? Where do you think this relationship might actually go?

Can anyone offer insight, I know it could be anything depending on who this person is, but if it sounds familiar, please, I'd like to know what I might be getting into today.

Also one last thing, as I am completely aware my emotions might be effecting judgement and perception, this was actually my first time with sex and the closest thing I have come to a relationship since my highschool days(5 years ago) She was aware of all this as well. So I might be getting myself too emotional attached over that fact.

I know this is short notice post, but I have 2 hours before I have to see her; what do I do? Pretend it isn't happening? Just listen? How do I respond? It's going to be "lets be friends" talk, I am 99% sure of this right now, do people remain friends after this? It's only been two weeks, I don't want her as a friend, it's not what I feel, I like her, but if I have to go through life as a friend to her I'd rather never talk with her again. Why the hell would anyone do this, could the sex be that bad, maybe that's what she was after all alone? I don't hear of women using men for sex that often, but I guess it could happen.

If its the "lets just be friends" talk, then tell her exactly what you think about that...that you can't just be friends w/her. You should just tell her how you feel, since she's telling you how she feels. And don't hesitate to ask her why she would just want to be friends. And if she just wants to be friends and you don't think you can talk to her anymore as a result, then just tell her you can't talk to her anymore if that's the case, because you don't want to be just friends.

Why did you sit around waiting for her to contact YOU after having sex with her? It probably freaked her out a little, thinking that she rushed it and you weren't really in to her.

That's my best guess.

Anyway, I agree with the no friend thing. If you want her as a lover and she wants to "demote" you, I would tell her to call you when she wants to date, although really, it is too soon for an exclusive relationship.

be open and honest. You dont want that stuff to bottle up. If she really isn't interested then you can always deal with that later. If you dont play your cards open, you know already you're gonna have to deal with that, so just tell her and see where it goes from there

alright, I guess thats the only thing I can do, thanks everyone; we'll see how it goes.

ps: I did send off an email first, but it was just saying she forgot something at my place

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Anything

alright, I guess thats the only thing I can do, thanks everyone; we'll see how it goes.

ps: I did send off an email first, but it was just saying she forgot something at my place

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I'm with sssh on this one. As the guy, it is always nice to call a girl up the next day and say thank you, I had a nice night. We like the reassurance. Your email probably felt cold to her. So, if she was feeling a bit insecure (as we are want to do)....then her next communication to you was also cold.

Which is why rushing into sex can cause problems. Doesn't mean it is all lost - not at all. Just shows how you now have communication difficulties, without the tools to deal with them. You're human, though - so don't feel bad about it. ALSO - I wouldn't just chalk it up to the sex as much as the intense period of time you were spending together. It is wonderful, but then when people come back to earth, it can be shattering...and quite a thud!!!!

If I were you...I would maybe try to stay friends just to make sure that this doesn't leave you with a real painful sting. I don't think it HAS to end badly. Of course, if it does....and you've tried to communicate your respect for her, etc.....then maybe she is just shallow. In which case, you're better than that.

Thanks Clynn for more insight.

I might as well update the situation if anyone was interested(lol, who knows)

So we went to this pub and she explained everything and I am still pretty confused about it. As much as I don't want to be shouting this from the rooftops since it could be misinterpreted, I was a little too forceful with the whole thing and have many things to learn.

From what I figure, and I could be wrong, a little more romanticism, just because I see a signal doesn't mean I need to go straight for it... again stuff I need to learn and don't 100% understand right now. The part that confuses me though most is from my perspective I didn't really act apon anything(ok that night, I did start by kissing her) but most of the time we sit around for so long both wanting to make a move until one of us does. And again, the confusing part, that night I was just kissing and she was the one that made the message clear that we were going to do a lot more then just making out.

Also another confusing point, is I can't read women, like at all, ever. But with her I am getting all these signals, which makes me thinks it is an opening for some intimacy... So why would it happen with just this girl? Is that just how she acts and I am totally taking it the wrong way?

I don't really know and no one here can answer those questions, but I think it's a definate possibility in some cases(others, the message is completely clear because she gets really close to acting on instinct but waits for me to actually initiate anything... like she will go to kiss me but just linger around my mouth with out doing it and just waits for me to... strange.

Anyway, yeah, she wants to just go slower(cool, I think so too) but only wants to see me once a week, which I guess is alright, due to our schedules that's how it'd work out anyway without me missing work.

So to continue (sorry to make this too long, I am just spewing thought) we leave the pub because its really annoying to talk and walk around, end up at my place to have some left over desert we made last time, and we're there talking and again she's acting all cute and seems like she is signals everywhere, even minor touching and stuff and bouncing around me in a pleasing way.... Again, this might be part of her personality, though I didn't notice it when she was acting regular and not implying anything.

At this point I am so scared at offending her or disrespecting her that I am completely hands off, so I don't respond in anyway whatsoever to her advances(which I know is cold and mean, but really after the talk I don't know if she is just testing me, playing mind games, or whats going on)

So we go to a movie, she is doing the same things, again, nothing, at all. So we leave and she goes home, hug god bye, I think she tried to do something else, but not 100% sure when we said good bye.

The next day I get a call in the afternoon and she just wants to chat... for 4 hours.... It's not like I don't like hearing from her or talking with her, it's great, but this isn't exactly my idea of distance.... which confuses me even more.

So I guess I have a question at the end of this; any possible thoughts on whats going on with this women? I know it could be anything and if you don't know her there isn't really any definate answer, but is there a general commonality between this and people? or maybe a better question, based off this, what do I do? I'm not just going to hear "distance" and then be available 24/7 to talk or see her... as much as I don't want to do it since I like her a lot, I'm contemplating forcing distance on her just by ignoring her for a couple weeks so we can think.... but that could be interpreted badly and make things worse.