Just a Problem

Heh, not even sure what I'm doing here. In a way, I want to rant, but I also want comments and advice. I'm not even sure what the problem is, but neh.

Me and the one I love have already made up after a fight. The relationship I have right now is an internet one, we were friends for a year talking through MSN and eventually became more over time. I visited her this last christmas during break and she came out here during spring break. I'm male and I'm 16, and I hope that doesn't make you think I don't love this person, because I do. The fight we had (though she refuses to call them that, and in a way, they aren't. They're more like she gets sad/I comfort sessions) isn't really the problem, as it's over and done with, I know I screwed up badly, and I don't deserve the forgiveness she showed me.

(This doesn't really have to be read, I guess. Consider it me needing to get my thoughts about this out of my system, and skip down a bit if you don't care.)

If you want to know what the fight was about, I'll tell suppose. She introduced me to a website that had a strange belief, one of those minor religion websites. She thought it was cool and believed in it, but I had to be an idiot and be skeptical. I asked her for help in understanding what exactly she found interesting about it, but she got sad.

(She does this often, and I comfot her always. I don't dislike comforting her, but I wish I could be able to talk to her about a problem we have instead of getting sad. I guess that's insensitive though, neh?)

With the above thought in mind. I decided to send an e-mail, as it's easier to say what I mean I guess. Just don't feel I can talk to her about something that could hurt her, which I guess is a rather bad thing. Well, she was hurt by what I sent in the e-mail, beyond hurt really.

She said that in that e-mail "...you denounced my beliefs...you waved away what little faith i had left...it may have been a childish wish...but it meant something to me..."

Heh, in a way, I had, actually. I had no idea that she could become so attached to a belief within an hour, and I had no intention of hurting her when I said what I did, but she took it that way, and that's all that matters. She said that she didn't believe in anymore when I said "I love you" to her and the fact that she wouldn't "touch" me (hugs and comfort, perverts :p). She has been suicidal in the past, and when I asked if she was going to kill herself (It was truly a worry I had. She seemed so sad and depressed that it seemed like a possibility to me, so I had to ask just in case I had to call someone to help her.) she responded. "No... I wouldn't do that to mom." That hurt me a lot, really. She didn't seem to care that it would do anything to me, but heh. That's basically the fight. It came down to me telling her that I was an idiot, I didn't deserve any forgiveness (both of which, I felt and still feel are true), and me asking her to consider giving me another chance. She did, and I guess it's over in a way, but I know she's crying herself to sleep right now, and I hate that fact.

(Start reading again here if you didn't care)

As I said, I'm not sure exactly what I plan to ask or what I really mean by all of this, but it's led to me bringing up another point, though I'm sure you're already tired of reading this (if you have). I can't get sad in this relationship. She had made me one of the only reasons for happiness in her life, and when she says something to hurt me that makes me sad, I eventually end up comforting her. That bothers me quite a bit, both the fact that she relies on me so much and the fact that I can't get sad. I brought that fact up a while ago, and she said she had never had someone rely on her, had never comforted someone else (though I hadn't either when I came into the relationship), and that if I wanted her to change, she would. I immidiately felt guilty about even suggesting that she change who she was, and dropped it.

I can't really mention things that I have problems with about the relationship, because she'll get sad. It bothers me, but I don't feel I can do much about it. I managed to bring up the topic of her relying on me for happiness too much, She asked why it was a problem, and I can't explain why I thought it was. I'm not even sure it is a problem anymore, and probably won't bring it up again.

I don't know what you can glean from that, or what advice you could give me and on what subject, but any comments, whether on my stupidity or not, would be welcomed. I guess this whole post is just a big question of "Is there something wrong?" "If there is, what can I do about it?"