I wasn't joking last April 7

I post this one an advice section.. I think I would post it here too :)


I started school late (January 23, 2006) and saw a guy. He's in my 4th period class. He is a good friend and kind. It just when I run a mile for my test (About 5 days later), I look back and I saw him looking at me smiling, so I'm in love to him (I don't really know why..).. Everyday, I saw him, talking to his friend, buying lunch, and waiting for his brother to fetch him home from school.. Everyday I look sad. I am actually in love to someone wrong... I know it's wrong but I still did... I can't just prevent my self to love him. I can't sleep at night well.. Sometimes, I just wake up at night and think what is the perfect happiness for me, maybe it just being with him. But all are impossible... He's an understanding person. He don't discriminate anyone... (So you know we both have the same gender)...

So everyday, except Weekend, I saw him, yes, I didn't make any sign that I am in love to him. Until the day of April 7, while we walk back to our locker's room and he asks me
"Who do you like?"

I was shock when he asks me, but you know, I can't tell... I don't why...

"I don't like anyone and I don't hate anyone" I said

"Seriously, who do you like?" He asks me again

"It's a secret" I reply

"So, what period is that person in?" He asks

"Umh, this period, this class, 4th period class, and the only person I think" I reply

"Really? Huh? So who is it? Please tell me.. PLease..." He said..

"I would rather tell it to someone else than you" I said

"Huh? So, you like me huh?" He's wondering asking me

"...Nope? No!" then I run quickly.. I feel so sorry, I was lying to him.. I don't know why I am lying..

I run quickly to my locker, I didn't notice that he runs after me, when I stop at my locker, he start to asks again, (annoying)

"Please tell me, I wouldn't tell anyone else.." He said

"Okay, go to back to your locker and change first" I said

"Okay" He said

He runs back to his locker and change.. I torn a piece of paper and write: What if that is you?

When we leave the locker room, I pass him and he start to asks again:

"Hey, please tell me" He said

"Okay, here's the paper, Just ignor the first 2 words and a symbol, then that's the person I really like" I said

I run quickly when I gave the paper, I don't know what he did to the paper...

I can't sleep at night, the whole night, I just think what he did to the paper I gave to him... I am really wrong to love him I know. I think a lot of ways how to make me happy, but all are impossible...

the day after, I saw him again, he's the one who talk to me first..

"Hey [My name]!" He shout

I am scared I don't know why.. But at that time, I am talking to someone else, so I ignor his shout.. It's my mistake again, why should I ignor his shout?

So we have a spring break after that day, I don't see him in a week.. So when school starts again, I saw him again, but we're nothing... Just like normal.. I don't talk to him anymore..

until April 27, I heard someone say "Happy birthday [His Name]!"

So April 27 is his birthday, I am older than him 2 years. But it doesn't matter anyway..

I aproach him and about to greet his birthday, but he talk to me first.

"Sup [My Name]!" While he look somewhere else, not me...

"Hey! Happy Birthday! You have the same birthday as my friend!" I said

*He smiles at me*

I am really scared...

So Everything going fine again, one of my friend told me to talk to him and don't go far away from him.. So I did, We just like a normal friends.. We always together. We have swimming. He's always with me and I am always with him... Yes, I am happy, I know, I am happy because I am with him, I don't really know if he knows that I am in love to him or not.. I don't know if he understand what I wrote on a piece of paper last April 7... Anyway, he cares me like a good friend do.. He often asks me if I am OK.. I also asks him the same way.. I teach him sometimes to swim, He's a good swimmer now.

So, until the day that I know it's the last day for our class... I am so sad.. I am with him.. Still sad..

"Are you still here next school year?"
"YES!" He reply immediately and I smile..

I was about to asks him again about the paper I gave to him last April 7. But I can't.....

I'm scared that I might not see him again after the day tomorrow, which is today, when I post this.

I am planning to tell him the truth after the swimming..
When we are about to take a shower.


He gave me back my goggles, which he borrowed it everytime we swim, I never used it..

"I'll get this okay, no, just kidding!" he said while he's trying to give me back the goggles
"Don't want to get it?" I ask with a smile

"Are you serious? I would take it if you want!" He said

"Yep, I never used it before, and also, I bought it because of you, you learning swimming right?" I said

"Oh thanks! This is as a gift from you [My Name]!" He said

I just smile, he go take a shower.. I also take a shower.. I am taking a shower with him!!! The same way we did everytime.. but this is different... Since this is the last day of our 4th period class.. I will not be his classmate anymore tomorrow... we still have school tomorrow, but we don't have 4th period class anymore...

there are many people taking shower together.. when I am taking my shower, my tears fall, I don't know why... Yes, maybe I just loving him so much and I will not have a chance to see him again... He didn't notice it I know because of the water... He's just beside me.. My tears keep falling, I know he don't know it.. No one knows it...

I talk in my imagination like this.. I still remember...
[His name], I don't really know if you know about it already or not. I am really scare that I might not see you again... Yes, forgive me [His name], because I am loving you.. I know I am wrong... But I can't just force my self to stop.. You are so special [His name]!

When our shower done.. I change my clothes, and when I go out to look for him.. I don't see him anymore, I often see him waiting his brother to fetch him home.. But this time, I don't see him.. I waiting about 30 minutes... I think he's still here..

But everyone get home already.. Just a few people staying here.. I think he's home already... Ghosh... I really want to let him know.. Tomorrow is the last day.. The only chance that I can see him for the last time of this school year is by the parking lot, where he often wait for his brother to fetch him...

I can't sleep last night, it doesn't matter.. I am think.. why my tears fall again... No one know it because it's midnight..

OK this is the day which is today, which I post this thread..
Today is the last day of school (June 8, 2006)

While I am in my 5th Period class.. wrote this in an index card:

"[His name], do you still remember what I wrote on a piece of paper last April 7? I wasn't joking to you last April 7. I am so sorry at that time, I can't just answer your quester properly... Actually, I am really tried to say [His name] last April 7..
Well, I didn't tell anyone yet... And you, you also promise to me that you wont...
Well, Enjoy your Summer!
I really like the way you call me,
anybody else call me in different way,... Hopefully, we will be classmate again..."

After our 5th Period class and it's Lunch, I see him, but I can't give the index card...

So the bell rang and we have our 6th period Class.. After the 6th Period class, is time to go home.. I run quickly to the parking lot, where there are many people waiting for someone to fetch them home...

I hold the Index Card in my hand with many of other blank index cards...

I don't really know what's happening to me a while ago.. I miss our swimming, I miss his first sentence to me "I ain't speak the language you speak"
I miss the time when I look back and he smile to I am in love to him... I know, whatever, yes, my tears is about to fall again, but I dont want to, because many of other people arround me at that time.. I don't see him for a while... Maybe yesterday is the last day I think...

I am talking to him in an imagination way again:

"[His name], yesterday, you leave me after the shower, now, are you going to leave me again? I am right here, waiting for you, I will give you something not so special, but please don't mad at me if I gave this to you ok.."

Then, I saw him, he just pass me, ignore him, he ignore me too.. He don't really know what's happening to me.. I really love him.. He's with his friend... I can't give the index card to him because of his friend.. Still anymore chance just to give the index card?

finally, he leave his friend from a group.. He's alone now, I trying to come near to him. I hold a lot of index cards... i am scare.. why I would just waste this last chance? OK I stand beside him and he look at me...

"Hey [His name], I have something to show you, this is the last magic trick, because we leave the school" I said
"okay" He said

I just simply get the index card and count until I reach the number of the card that I wrote the note on it.

"Here's for you, put it into your pocket, it only works on you, open it until you reach home, I don't have time for the last magic trick, I have to go home now [His Name]

Actually, I just want to give the index card, also, my tears is about to fall, so I would rather say I am going home.. He hold the index card and look confusing..

I walk home, Yes of course, this is my last time seeing him, and finally I gave him a what I want to give him. My tears fall..

Here is my imagination while walking home, some tears fall again...

"[His Name], I am so sorry, I can't even show you the last magic trick. Please forgive me, I am always wrong... If you can forget me, then just do it.. I am just in love to you.. and It hurts a lot, I know, you don't know, but who cares? [His Name], I learn a lot from you... You know.. It's hard to love the same gender as I am... Hope to see you again..."

In fact, today is the last time I see him maybe, I am not sure if I will be in that school again, I know he will be there too.. I don't even have anything to communicate him... That's bad for me...

Now, I post this thread is just want to asks if I am right to give the index card?

Edited:

What???! I am so sorry, I am double posting..