Don't understand women

I have a few questions, any help or insight would be fantastic.


I'm married. 16 years. We've grown apart, she does her thing I do mine. I wan't to leave. She tells me she loves me every once in a while. I don't believe her. I don't really love her. We do this for the kids. I think we both know it.


(1)
Will she be shocked if I tell her I want to leave? Wont she understand that it is because our relationship was never strong and that I am in need of some real love which I feel I am not getting?



I am in love with another woman (shocker) who is also married.
We tell each other that we love one another. It's real. It's great, well it was. We had been working together and now we don't. No excuse to see each other now. We had traveled quite a bit together. We got very close. I learned what love feels like. She told me it had to be all or nothing that she would not be the affair. All or NOTHING.

I'm ready to leave evrything. She is not. She tells me that splitting with her spouse would be big $$$. That she does not want to start over.

(2)
WTF? How can she say " all or nothing" and then not be ready to take me?.

I'm so in love with this woman. She tells me not to worry, that I am the on eshe loves. But I am not the one she is with. She lives 90 miles away..it may as well be a million.

I ramble. I'm sorry.

When she said all or nothing she might have thought you would say nothing and stay with your wife. Why else would she say it and not go through with it? Maybe that was her way of getting out of the affair.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shai`anne

Maybe that was her way of getting out of the affair.

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I think you're right, If she tells you all or nothing but she herself is not willing to leave her partner, then she expected that you wouldn't want it either...

How old are your kids?, that's an important factor in your problem.

Why can't people ever seem to handle leaving one relationship before entering another? Why must they wait until things are this tangled? Talk to your wife, and talk to her soon.

You're ready to leave your kids for this woman? You're ready to effectively burn down the life you have for her?

Go ahead. You deserve what's coming. Your wife deserves to be rid of you. Your kids deserve to know what kind of a man their father really is.

Just know that you can't undo this.

The other people are right. Keep in mind WHY you would leave! Would YOU still leave if this other woman WASN'T in the picture? Just trying to make you see things from different perspectives. Alot of times, people leave ONLY because they feel they have a safety net waiting for them on the other side, and of course because the grass seems greener on the other side! But, Keep in mind you DON'T even have that! This other woman has not even offered to leave her husband for you! She just gave YOU that ultimatum.

You also need to consider your kids. They are the ones who are gonna get hurt the most in this picture. Why do I know this? Because, my dad left my mom for someone else when I was 13. I felt like I must have done something wrong. I knew he wasn't happy, but I felt it was MY fault at first. So, if you do decide to leave, make sure you reassure your kids you still love them. Don't just buy them gifts, but actually spend time with them and care about whats going on with them and how they are feeling. I mean, doing all this can make or break your relationship with your kids in the future. So, tread carefully.

If you want out and are truly unhappy then you need to really think things thru. Have you considered couples therapy? Try to repair things in your marriage? If so, and nothing has worked, then maybe its best to get out. But don't go leaping from one relationship to another. I think you would really do best with time alone for awhile to figure out what you really want. Your affair only seems exciting now, but what do you think it will be 10 yrs down the line? Your gonna be in the same situation. REALLY Think about the people involved in this situation other then you and your mistress. Do you think its worth it? Because, as other people put it, once you do this, it cannot be undone!

I would be thinking about leaving this marriage regrdless of the other relationship.

It has been 16 years of a bad thing. I have done ALL of the changing here. She is the same person I am a completely different man. I am bitter about the way she has insulted and demeaned me.

My two sons of 16 and 12 probably expect it. I know our mutual friends have always wondered how I put up with it. My 6 yr old daughter is tough but I am sure she will blame me as she is to young to see the things that drive me away.

We would have never hung out together. We don't like the same things. We can't think of a single topic to discuss that does not turn into an argument. We have been like this since we met. We are married because of our children. There is no getting around that. Is it worse to leave the situation and be happy when I do see the kids or stay and live downstairs on the futon like I am now?

I have heard and try to live by the saying that life is too short to be unhappy. If you hate your job..change it or blame nobody but yourself. I ask myself why I am still here all of the time. I think it's mostly financial and that's pretty lame.

I'd rather live in a crappy room somewhere and have a chance at happiness than stay here and feel like the roomate nobody likes.

have you tried counseling or trying to get some help somewhere.

i say the least BOTH of you could do is try.

do you even want to try?

Ugh. My least favorite kind of thread.

Listen, Thick. It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. You're talking about abandonment.

Have you considered a divorce without all that drama? Do you know that you're setting a tone, here?

If you want to do this right, get into marriage counseling with your wife. Even if you actually want out of the marriage, if you request that she go for counselling, it will look (to a judge) that you were making an effort. That's a lot better than "Bitch, I never loved you and I'm ditching you for somebody else."

You've made it this long, now work on your exit strategy.

Also, I would like to add, I just ended a marriage without ruining anyone's life. It can be done. You need to value your own opinion of yourself more.

OK. I get it.
I will have a nice little sit down with the wife tonight. I will let her know that I feel like stranger in my own house.

I will let her know that of all the stresses of work, and the kid's issues and all the financial stresses that most housholds endure that I can't figure out why I am unhappy.

I will suggest some counseling. I'm up for it. It can't get worse, been thinking about getting some help solo anyway and may still.

I will explain that even though she rarely yells and screams at me anymore that I don't really believe her when she says she loves me.

I do however believe somebody else. I will not bring this up. I am not out to hurt anyone. Just trying to stop the hurting I am doing myself. Selfish? Probably.

Its alright to be selfish once in a while.

...until you have kids. Then you are obligated to make attempts at selflessness.