how to re-open heart

Hi

I ended a relationship about 5 years ago. The relationship was both exhilarating and terrifying. It was the first time I was in love. I felt we were really soul mates. However, there were also issues in the relationship that were quite bad. I am very introverted, and she often emotionally overwhelmed me and she could not help it. In retrospect, I realized that I had a co-dependence problem.. the relationship was all-absorbing and I could not draw a line and assert what I needed.

To make a long story short, the relationship came to an ugly end, after about a year and a half. Even though I felt pretty strongly we should break up, I regretted it. She started dating someone else right away. I was insanely jelaous and begged her to take me back. This all transpired about a month or two before 9/11. It felt like my world and the world around me were collapsing at once. Looking back on it it feels like what followed was an extended state of shock.

The reason that I'm writing this post however, is because I have not had a healthy relationship since then. I have not been able to open my heart. I have tried several times, but each time it did not feel right. I think I also picked the wrong women. After hurting a couple women, I feel like I don't even want to try, unless my heart feels open to it. I got over the relationship.. the disappointment, jealousy and sadness. But along the way I feel I lost my innocence, and I feel became more judgmental. I don't feel the person who I really am.. I can't get back my sense of wonder, confidence, and purpose in life.

I feel that so much more is possible but I can't seem to open my heart to it. Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the desert of apathy.

I would really appreciate and thoughts.. suggestions. Thanks.

Know what that feels like... I think many of us do. It seems as if we lose a part of ourselves with every relationship that passes by... but in fact we grow. You are a stronger person because of what happened; the first relationship and even the ones you don't see as worthwhile that came afterwards.

You mentioned a co-dependance issue... I assume you have taken significant time off between relationships just to really get in touch with yourself and look yourself in the face and come to terms with who you are and what you need in life? If not, well, its scary, but you gotta do it sooner or later:) Honestly, be open to things inside yourself that you may not want to know about; why are you dependant on others? Is there some sort of insecurity you have about yourself? Maybe some other issues that come into play here?

As for your other relationships since then, well, yes, the choice of women makes a HUGE deal! Please don't beat yourself up over losing some no-win scenarios... they are tough to go through, but they do make us stronger. Take your time... now don't go live under a rock, but eventually the right person will come to you. Believe in that. Don't go for quantity and play the statistics game in this case. Find a nice girl and learn to love and respect her for who she is. The opening of the heart is a natural phenomenon... you cannot rehearse or analyze how to get it to work... it will happen at the right time. Just be true to yourself and follow your heart and I'm sure you will meet some great women who will inspire you.

Thinker, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I think you are right. And I have taken a lot of time off between relationships.. I have tried to get in look inside myself but still haven't found a good answer other than being aware of family/childhood issues. But I don't want to dwell on the past (I've been to therapists though.. not sure if it would be helpful to go again?)

You're right, sometimes it's easy to beat myself up over losing no-win scenarios. I do believe the right person will show up in my life... but it's hard to keep the faith on a daily basis... after years of waiting.

Anyway, thanks for your support :) By the way, I love that quote from Corinthians.

Your relationship with your SO isn't the only relationship you have. You can also open your heart to friends, co-workers, family. (Well, maybe not your family).

You need practice. Open up to others in non-intimate ways, like making eye contact or saying hello to strangers, and maybe finding The One won't seem as important.

Hey braveheart I sort of feel like you right now and as Gigabitch says you should go out and expand your circle of friends. Meet more people and your heart should heal :)

Try new activities and join clubs. You're likely to find someone you really like by doing the things you love. Good luck man, but most importantly don't give up hope in yourself!!

Yeah, just expand yourself and you will find you will NEED to open up at one point! Just try not to make things too dramatic... just re-read the part about 9/11... maybe a bit much, dontcha think? It was a breakup, and trust me, they ALL suck (except for the rare case of a mutual understanding, which I still think is a Greek myth...) and will likely happen again. And we can either waste our lives away in seclusion and never gain andy joy in return for never being hurt... I don't think this is how we are meant to live. Sure, its' a gamble and a risk, but that is how we grow and learn and experience the life we have been given. Don't stress out over it so much! You will be surprised at what comes to you, just be ready:)

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Originally Posted by SeventhStar

Hey braveheart I sort of feel like you right now and as Gigabitch says you should go out and expand your circle of friends. Meet more people and your heart should heal :)

Try new activities and join clubs. You're likely to find someone you really like by doing the things you love. Good luck man, but most importantly don't give up hope in yourself!!

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Yes, you are right.. I haven't done enough lately. Thanks SeventhStar and Gigabitch.. it's obvious, but sometimes it takes someone else to remind me and then I think "oh yeah.."

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Originally Posted by thinker

Yeah, just expand yourself and you will find you will NEED to open up at one point! Just try not to make things too dramatic... just re-read the part about 9/11... maybe a bit much, dontcha think?

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ok, maybe you're right about being too dramatic. There was just a lot of tension and uncertainty back then... and because I had a lot of anxiety since then.. and someone said to me something about PTSD. So I mentioned it in case it was relevant.

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Originally Posted by thinker

It was a breakup, and trust me, they ALL suck (except for the rare case of a mutual understanding, which I still think is a Greek myth...) and will likely happen again. And we can either waste our lives away in seclusion and never gain andy joy in return for never being hurt... I don't think this is how we are meant to live. Sure, its' a gamble and a risk, but that is how we grow and learn and experience the life we have been given. Don't stress out over it so much! You will be surprised at what comes to you, just be ready:)

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Ok :)

Everything in your initial post sounds typical. It sounds like the stages everyone goes through in the process of growing up and learning about love.

About your more recent attempts at relationships: Why should you open your heart up to the wrong person?