Fight or Flight?

Hi,
Some of you may know about my sitaution heres a quick break down:
-Me and girlfriend were going out for about 4.5 years on and off.

-We had a break but got back together last year (oct ish i think)

-She broke up with me in January because she thought we were just like brother and sister but changed her mind and everything was going well

-We moved in together April (renting)

-She said to me afew weeks ago she didnt know if she felt the same about me, spark had gone etc.

-I was really upset and pleaded with her etc. Then realised it would be better to just get on with it because that would drive her away

-I moved all my stuff out about 3 weeks ago.

-She came over to get me to sign the joint account closure notice and it was really nice. We both then said we missed each other and that we really want to spend time together etc.

Edited out everything else for now

Does anyone have any ideas what she is thinking or what to do next?

She's just more emotionally messed up than you are. She'll either grow or not- it's not really your responsibility any more, is it? Sounds like you're being kind, not feeding the drama but not cutting her off, either.

She will probably always regret her decision, but I think it's the right thing to do to hold her to it. I know you want to be with her, but she sounds like kind of a mess. maybe you should tell her to pull it together and you'll see where it goes then. Somebody needs to draw a line, and you're the one who's willing to do it.

In the future: don't co-mingle funds again. It's a mistake.

Thanks for reply. she sent me a text yesterday saying she doesnt think it would be best to meet up today (friday) because it will make it worse for her. She also said she just wants us both to be happy and its horrible but she realised that cant happen with us together. She said she is really confused because she doesnt know how we are going to play a role in each others life when its so hard to talk to each other. But she still cares for me, misses me and wants to see me.

So i sent a text saying I dont really understand why we cant be together still when its so hard and we both really want to see each other but im not going to sit around waiting for her to love me. I said i would do anything to change the fact that we are not together but i understand why she cant be with me and i want her to be happy so i hope she finds someone who does this. I said we should meet up for drinks just to see if we can play any part in each others lives - either nothing or a little bit.

So she just replied saying thanks for the supportive text, she misses my company and our little jokes we have and she will see today how she feels about meeting up tonight. I dont hold much hope for this but I think if she says no ill just say ok and stop contacting her again.

I think by being so supportive she probably feels good again now and validated because she thought i was just going out all the time and getting on with my life. I doubt she will be upset about us again after this. So I think your right im going to have to draw boundaries here I have plenty things going on but i do just really miss her and want to be with her still. But im not having my heart broke again!

P.S we just had a joint account for bills, it was easy to shut down no arguing over money or anything which was a relief!

Here's the thing. I had this situation going on a long time ago with someone I was madly in love with. I broke up with him and to this day, I still think it was a huge mistake. I acted pretty much like your ex, and the guy acted pretty much like you. He stayed in contact with me for years, while we both went through other relationships.

I'm still in love with this guy. I am trying to get him back now. It might work.

I'm not trying to hi-jack your thread. I just want to give you an example of what might be if you treat her gently but firmly. Protect yourself, but do it with love. You have no idea what the future might hold, and you may end up back together sometime down the line.

Hey, thanks for that it is nice to know. She did say today she cant see me right now but really misses me and that she cant wait for the day that she is ready to hang out with her best buddy again! Im just leaving it now. I just dont know how we are really going to stay in contact from this now though.

How did you and your ex stay in contact and what did you talk about (without me prying)? Did both of you make an effort or meet up regulary etc. I actually do feel we are not finished, I have always thought we met each other a bit early (18 and 17) because if we started our relationship for the first time now, i swear we would be married etc within the same 4.5 years. And she has said the same.

And what advice would you give me then in how to deal with this, because i dont want to keep chasing her, i want to get over her but also want to be there for her and see what happens, because something always brings us back together somehow.

p.s. i have added to your rep points because you always seem to give me advice! thanks

Thanks for the rep. Maybe now in my user CP, the comment that said, "DIE!" will have fallen off the log.

We stayed in touch through Christmas & birthday cards and through e-mail. I didn't speak to him on the phone much while I was married for years because it was just inappropriate, but the occasional update e-mail would be sent back and forth. We never spoke of getting back together or longings or anything like that- like I said, I was married, but the tone was always friendly, and now it's more than friendly.

Make sure you never forget her birthday. Find a frequency of contact you're both comfortable with (once a month?) and drop her an e-mail or give her a call, just to check in and catch up. Just don't lose touch with her completely. Get her mom's phone number too, just in case she does lose touch.

Don't feel guilty about moving on with your life, either. It was her choice.

Thanks for the help. Yeah its going to be really hard, to be honest I was doing alright when I hadn't seen her for a few weeks but as soon as i saw her and felt something and we thought about meeting up i was anxious all week again and I wasn't happy about that. I felt i went back a few steps.

So i think ill just leave it for now and see of she was serious about maintaining contact. I said at first im not being her friend and she wont see me again but then i thought that was a bit selfish of me because she has been going through a lot of stuff recently (parent splitting up, us splitting up, health problems) and she doesnt have hardly any people around her so I feel I need to at least show her im there for her because it must be hard going through things on your own. And i do love her still.

And even though i dont really expect her to talk to me about her problems etc anytime soon I suppose it's nice to know you can talk to someone who your close too if it does get really bad.

So ill just see how it goes and go out a lot like i have been doing. Who knows what will happen.

Thanks for the help