I decided to open up a new thread for this and let the "black heart thread" die as I feel this is deserving of it's own topic title.
I finally got to talk to Amy today after 2 weeks.
We almost hit 3 hours, that's a new record.
Anyway, as the regs know, my relationship with Amy has been a big ?
To tell the truth, it still kind of is.
But maybe not as big anymore.
For the second time, something I did...well in this case, somethin' I said ('cause we're on the phone) prompted Amy to "get down to business".
I had mentioned that I was looking to spending time alone with her down in New Orleans which I knew would be difficult.
"Alright Choi, let's just get this out of the way..."
My heart almost stopped in fear of what was to come. I couldn't help but assume the worst, I was waiting for "Choi, I just don't like you anymore and your hopes to be with me are crushed."
The overall summary of this discussion alone (which lasted about an hour in itself) was that Amy still and I quote "I still really really really like you.". And I her. However the question at hand was "can this be anything? is it worth persuing? we're such different people and that could have an adverse effect on us down the line." All of which are legitmate concerns. I may be a hopeless at heart, but I'm still quite capable of rational thought.
However, there's one thing I must acknowledge about an aspect of the "hopeless" mindset, and that is that if one can ever expect a relationship to work out, one must be enthusiastic about it, both must be enthusiastic, and both must work at it. I've learned how easy it is to pass up a good thing when you acknowledge all the reasons why should. I don't want to do that anymore. I considered all those options before I kissed her, I still consider all those options after I kissed her. Damn it, I'm gonna work as hard as I can to make this work as much as it can, as far as it can. 'Cause if I just let it go now I'm gonna regret it like a mother****er later and I can tell you that now.
If we both decide in a week, a month, a year that this is not for one of, or both of us, so be it. But I will not give up before hand.
She brought up the issue of "if you really looked at it, we don't really know eachother that well, in fact I'm more Christian than you probably think and I think there are things about me down the road that you might hate."
Possibly, but possibly not. How the hell am I gonna know unless I get there, hmm?
One of the "many" concerns she had, was the physical aspect of our relationship. "Now I'm not trying to stereotype you..."
"Buuuut you're going to, so just do it, I can take it."
"Right, but I'm going to so, I know 20 year old boys---"
Basically one of her concerns was I was in this whole thing just to get in her pants, because "that's just how 20 year olds are". I did not deny I was open to the idea, but my expectations from the start were never "alright, I'm gonna try to get in this girl's pants!"
Would I? If I could?
Probably.
Not without some serious consideration of course, of the consequences, but it's now been clarified that that's not something I'd ever have to worry about.
See, that little conversation alone, about physical forms of affection...I learned more about her...us...in that 10 minute topic than I did that past many 2 hour phone calls I've had since we've been away from eachother.
To tell the truth, I think that's what we need. We've both been so afraid to address the issue that we've been on hiatus for the past 2 months on what's goin' on with us.
I just wanna get to know this girl better. I like her alot. I stressed this during the conversation, and the feelings are mutual. Right now we're at "let's just see where this goes." But my opinion is, if we just "see how it goes" it ain't really gonna go anywhere. There's nothing convenient about this relationship that's for sure, but I am willing to commit to it if she is. I just think she's afraid to.
I wish I could just know y'know?
