To You;
My confession to you.
I wish you knew how much listening to you talk about him kills me. Actually kills me. It’s like you’re reaching into me, squeezing all my insides and then leaving me there to die. My heart beats so hard that I feel like it’s going to burst out of my chest and throw itself down on the ground in front of you. For you. It actually kills me. I get sick to my stomach helping the two of you work things out. All I want to do is sabotage everything so that you’ll never even want to look at each other again. But I love you too much. I can’t bear the thought of betraying you like that. I can’t stand thinking about hurting you and I hate myself for even thinking it.
I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish more than anything that I could tell you and have you love me back. I wish I had the courage to put myself out there- to tell you that you’re everything to me, and that all I want to do is hold you and kiss you and squeeze you and love you and have you love me back. I’d give anything for that.
I would do anything for you. Anything. You have to know that- that I am absolutely and completely devoted to you, and will always be there for you no matter what. I’d drop anything and come running if you ever needed me- you’ll always be more important to me than anything else. I’d live to make you happy. I already do. There’s nothing in the world that I wouldn’t do for you.
I promise I want to be happy for you for this. I hate that there’s something that makes you smile that I can’t stand. I wish it didn’t hurt this much but it does. I can’t stand the thought of him touching you (or anyone else touching you). Of you letting him. I just want to hold you and lay with you. To snuggle together and be happy. We could be so happy. I’d keep you warm and take care of you and never let anything bad happen to you. I promise.
I won’t believe that you don’t love me back. There’s no way that I can be this in love with you and you feel nothing. We’re perfect. We’re like two peas in a pod. You’re my best friend in the whole world. Don’t tell me you don’t feel anything.
You and I both know that this could work. **** what people would say. I don’t care, and I know that you’d need some time but eventually you wouldn’t care either. Our parents would get over it. Then think of how happy we’d be- we already know everything about each other, we know how well we get along and that we can live together and spend every waking moment together and still be as close as were are without getting on each other’s nerves. You are my best friend. The best friend I’ve ever had and ever will have. You know all of my dark and scary secrets- you’re the only person I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to tell. I trust you absolutely and you know that you could trust me with anything. I’d never hurt you. I love you.
Remember how amazing last year was? We could have that forever, only it would be better because we would be together- totally honestly. Remember how much it hurt when I had to leave? The thought of never living together again, of not being with you all the time broke my heart, and I know it hurt you too. I hated leaving you, and if you let me I’ll never do it again. It was the best year of both of our lives- don’t tell me you don’t miss it. Don’t tell me you don’t miss me.
Part of me hates you for doing this to me. For torturing me like this. Part of me never wants to see you again because I hate seeing you and not being able to kiss you, and because I can’t stand hearing you talk about him. But I can’t bear not seeing you; not being there for you, so instead I sit there and listen and it tears my heart into pieces. But I’m happy to do it because I would do anything for you.
I love you as much as a person can love anything- you have my whole heart. Give me yours and I promise you’ll never regret it. Today when we saw that couple together you told me that that was what you wanted. I could give you that. Let me give it to you; all I want to do is give it to you.
I know you so well. I know your moods and all your great little quirks and I absolutely love every single one of them. I love everything about you. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. You’re sweet and funny and beautiful and smart and weird, and you’re just so good and so loving- I can’t imagine my life without you. I can read you like a book- I could make you so happy if you’d just let me.
Sometimes I get the feeling that you’re hinting that you feel the same way. Like when you lie in my lap or get me to play with your hair or rub your back (which I love doing. It makes me so happy to do), or the way you sometimes wrap your leg around me when we hug, or when you get changed in front of me (which you never used to do). I try to hint too, but I’m just so afraid that if I go too far and you don’t feel the same it’ll ruin our friendship- you’re the best thing in my life right now and I know I’d die if I lost you as a friend. You’re the outgoing one, you know that- say something, make an obvious move, KISS ME! Do something, just so I know. And you know that even if I didn’t feel this way and you made a move I wouldn’t let it ruin our friendship- I love you too much, so take a chance.
And even if we were to do this now we wouldn’t have to live like this for the rest of our lives. I know we both want to eventually have a family, and we wouldn’t have to do that together (unless we decided later that we did want to). Let’s just try this, and even if we agree right off the bat that nothing long-term can come of it, wouldn’t you love to have that intimacy, that closeness, that love even just for a little while? I know that’s all I want- just a chance to see if we could do it. Just let me love you and please love me back.
I’m yours, Baby. Now and for the rest of our lives. All yours. That won’t change. I’m giving you my heart and soul; throwing myself and your feet and bearing everything, giving you everything I have. Please, please, PLEASE just say you love me back. Please.
Love you forever and ever and ever;
Me
