I told my friend I liked her and now I feel horrible!
Well, it sure has been a while since I posted here, but I’ve never felt this shitty since… well, about the last time I posted here. This might be a little long, but I need it off my chest:
The last love-interest I talked about, the one that hooked up with my old roommate (and ex-friend) and I fell into the “friends zone” with, well, a lot’s happened since then. Fast forward over a year and the friendship between me and her grows and grows, while her relationship with my old roommate rots. They eventually break up (my old roomie blames me because he knew I like her, but I never did anything; he’s simply insecure. She agrees with me). Around that point in a MySpace message she lets me know that, next to her female best friend who lives a state away, that I’m one of the only people she talks to about stuff, and that she sees me as a brother (awww).
Well I’m completely touched by how she feels for me, though I’ll admit I’ve never felt she was like a sister to me; simply a good friend that I try to take care of and make happy and happen to be very attracted to. Either way, we've gotten very close, close enough for her to reveal to me she's interested in another guy as a "friends with benefits," and for me to reveal to her that 1, I'm a virgin, and 2, I know she's not one. We initiate a cute little game where we see who's the first to get laid.
Anyway, here’s where the real problem starts… for a little while now some of my friends have noticed that I have feelings for her. My new roommate, on seeing how she calls me almost every night and talks to me for an hour at a time, commented that, “you love her, dude,” and I couldn’t really deny it. I was at a party with some friends when one (a girl) made the same comment. Again, I couldn’t deny it. Well, she made me promise that I’d at least make some sort of joke to my interest hinting at my feelings. My new roomie also told me that I really oughta just tell her straight out how I feel.
That’s what I did. A couple of nights ago, at the end of one of our phone conversations, I said that I had something to tell her. I told her that with talking to her like this all the time, I sometimes feel like her boyfriend. I then said that I still liked her, was still falling for her. She said, “awwww,” and “I’m flattered” (I’ve heard that from a girl who rejected me once, what a coincidence), and she said that she wouldn’t tell me about her friends-with-benefits guy anymore because she felt bad. I said it was okay and that it was just something I wanted her to know. She was tired and the conversation didn’t go much further. She went to bed.
The next day when I saw her, the topic never came up, and her “friend with benefits” came by to hang out and I just felt like shit. That was the only time I saw her that day. She didn’t call that night like she usually does.
Yesterday I had class with her and things seemed normal, but as we ran our errands after class, she seemed like she was getting annoyed at me while I talked and kinda tried to ditch me for a little bit. I went about my own business.
She had mentioned before that she wanted me to cash a check for her later that day (her bank is too far away). When I called her later and said I was ready to come over to her place to pick up the check, she said I didn’t have to come over, as she was coming back on campus later, and would call me. I quickly apologized for being annoying in the morning, and she seemed to accept (said maybe she was just annoyed by stuff piling up lately). So when I had to go to the bank to take care of some of my stuff, I called her about her check, and she quickly said, “I’ll give it to you tomorrow,” and hurriedly ended our quick conversation; she had told me earlier she needed the check cashed that day!
I called her later that night and she said she was off to some Bible study thing with one of our friends, and I told her to call me when she got back, and she said, “Oh, I will,” in a tone that sort of sounded like, “yah right, I won’t.” That’s the last I’ve spoke to her. Haven’t got to talk to her today.
Last night I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up. Feeling tumultuous and shittier than ever before, I got out of bed and sent her a MySpace message apologizing for telling her I liked her, explaining that my hopes were sort of raised by my friends and their advice, and that I felt foolish for listening to that advice.
I’ve checked my inbox a million times today for her to respond to it. She hasn’t even logged on to MySpace today, and never called me about her check that she needed cashed.
So, what the hell’s going on? I really feel like I should never have told her what I did, as I felt fine before compared to how I do now. I’m worried I’ve just distanced her from me and that she’ll no longer see me even as a brother, and I don’t want that; One of the advice-giving friends said they were sure we’d hook up in the end and I sure hope that’s true; it would probably make this pain worth it eventually. But if it’s for naught… I really don’t want to lose her. I lost my old roommate as a friend because he thought I was between them, and now I can’t lose her, too. I love her.
