Anger and humiliation consumed me....HELP!!!
If only I could control what I've been feeling these couple of weeks, I probably wouldn't feel this bad. I really need some suggestions to release this very uncomfortable feeling.
I am a 30 years woman with a 5 years old daughter. For 4 years I've been living seperately with the father of my daughter and until early of 2006 I still hope that we could be together again. But, lack of effort from him made me think again. Somehow I just feel that he's not trying hard enough to make that happend (yeah...for sure ...it's made me waiting for 4 years). That's why....I've decided that I can't wait forever....after 4 years the loneliness and needs for comfort really overwhelmed me. Sometimes....friendly touch from male friends can make me feel....you know....and it'd got worse in the last couple of months....but I always can control myself ....because I am also not naughty kind of a woman...if you know what I mean....
Anyway....the problem really appeared last month....I've been working with my brother and childhood friends in export and import business. Because of the job, we're dealing with people from all around the world an done of our partner is a company situated in South America (the place where my ex lives). I've been knowing him for 2 years, well since we're starting our patnership with his company of course. Our office is his company's sales representative for SE ASIA. He is the sales director (when first I met him, he was the sales manager). All these years I always act professionally toward him....sometimes we're joking around to ease the tension (it's just normal working relationship)....not until last month....as usual together with my collagues we went to a dinner....we're joking around....and started teasing me (since I was the only woman in the crowd) and they all know my current situation with my guy....and I told them all that ....I am a single now and I am opening my market....while joking (but it's really true....I've decided that I need to move on)....and he who's sitting next to me.....just wraped his arm around me....and said good! so...we can start biding!...as I said it's been a long time since a man do that to me....I know maybe I sound pathetic....but in my situation...it was.....like being struck by lightning....oh yeah...I forgot to mention that he's an attractive guy...tall, smart, and has a very lovely smile....
I've never thought about him in romantic way (yeah because it'd be wrong, he's married and so do I...sort of!)....but after more teasing...and teasing...also teasing about swimming together in lightless pool and invitation to his hotel room....I was shocked...I was thinking ....he was drunk and he was too much joking!!!!
When we dropped him at the hotel...we shaked hands and he hold my hand firmly and looked into my eyes and said he'd like to have a chat with me another time....I just smiled because I think he's just joking around....like a lot of guys like to do to me. But...I have to admit...I was starting to think about in different way....how much I want him to hold my hand again....how much I want him to put his arm around me again...and so on...so on....yeah basically....that night I was starting loose control.....my unstable emotion....my loneliness and my desperation....really ate me....but a part of also don't feel comfortable but all of that....because if I lost control....it's going to be a very big problem....it's wrong!!
But I just couldn't help myself.....and also he's acting like a teenage boy....teasing me still....gave me his stupid smile....poking me on my back....annoying...but I did enjoy the stupid game we're playing at each other....
And there's time when we all went to a gala dinner. At first we sat at a different table....after the dinner, one of his friend....which is also my friend too....moved to sit me and my collagues....after having 2 full glasses of red wine mixed with lack of sleeping and fatigue and desperation.....I was a little bit off...sleppy...and drunk (maybe)....he moved a chair next to me (I didn't know why he chose that spot) and started talking about business....and then started teasing me ....again....teasing me for willing to give me comfort and starting rub my back....and that was making me shaking and I almost cry...oh God....I almost lost it!!! And because I was little bit drunk and pissed off....because his teasing....I kind said something to him and dared him.....and looked him in the eyes.....not even blinking.....and there's only few inches between my face and his....and he's kind of lost words....he looked me and just looked....and I started to have a dirty thought (i just couldn't help it....naughty me!!)...if only....there're not a lot of our collagues and friends sitting around us....he or I would've kissed!!!! Somehow....I could see the same desire that I had in his eyes....but the situation made us realise that we had to break out our eyes contact. And be silent for a while....and then I said.....you give me comfort....that'll be very dangerous and big problem....and he replied....no...no...but then changed his answer....ah...yes...problem with your hubby....and I said yeah...right my hubby....I don't even know where he's right now and what he's been up to.....(my mind was like yeah...right...my hubby...it's you...being married is my main problem)....
Well....I've never wanted to think about him that way....I don't even dare...you know.....but because of my desperation.....I just couldn't help it....I am always be able to supress my desire....but...after what he did to me....by soft touching...and seducing words....has awaken my desire....and leave me feeling miserable.......wanting so badly to be touched....to be hugged....to be cuddled....and I can't stop thinking about him!!!!! I did almost lose my control.....the last day before he flied back, I almost called him and asked him about his offer to comfort me....but....I didn't have nerve to do it.....it's wrong!!!!!I told myself....trying to control myself...
But...he's just being a guy....seducing a very desperate and lonely woman......
and I hate him for making me this way.....he didn't even say goodbye to me....and when my collagues asked me to send a thank letter to him....I said that to him...i was sorry for not thank him and say proper good bye, also said that I had a good time....he replied that he's sorry for poking on me and he meant it for good.....
I was angry.....because I felt he's using my desperation for a joke..... and for good??? I don't feel good....I feel miserable even more!!!! And because of my anger...I sent him an email....i told him about his joke was not funny in my side...because i felt he's using my desperation for fun....and I hate that! I know I was being stupid, immature....but I couldn't help it.....and...he didn't reply my email......and even I tried not to be angry....I am very angry and humiliated.....I don't even know what would be happening next time he comes to visit.....
I am so confused.....a part of me want a payback.....I want to dare him....to make him play my game....to push him to his limit...how far he would go???? I know it's evil....but I just want to know that....next time....not him...who's going to have fun....but I am......
But.....I am open for suggestion right now.....what do you think??????
Tell me!!!
Let me tell you....replying to him business email is not easy....coz I always want to stragle him and scream at him....:evil:
