Sorry guys, I’m really pissed, I had this very well detailed entry all lined up to be posted, and just was I was finishing the last few sentences my computer turned off by itself. Sorry but I don’t have the patience to type it all up and full detail. But I’ll do my best.
11/23/06
Thanksgiving came around and Amy’s family had arrive. Her mom, dad, both sisters with her brother-in-laws and her two nieces.
I still hadn’t seen her at all and I knew I wasn’t going to see her much that day either.
Any time she’d come around to talk to the team I’d just kind of clam up and ignore her. Especially considering we had yet to discuss what I was there to discuss with her.
The day was pretty fun, all the staff and volunteers had off that day and we got to just hang out at a local park (Ames was with her family).
But later that night I sent her a text.
Quote:
Me: Hey, where ya at?
Her: Im headed back to my apt if you want to come hang out for a bit.
Me: Any privacy?
Her: As much as you get in this place. Everybodys sleeping.
11/24/06
It was about 12AM when I headed over.
I knocked and she let me in and we sat on the couch, her cross-legged facing me.
We had a some small talk and she apologized for not being around ‘cause she was still busy with work and with her family.
All of which I already understood, but down to business.
I told her how I was feeling frustrated, that I still liked her and wanted to pursue something. But she kept saying how she can’t see how anything could work out. If there’s one thing I learned about this girl, it’s that she has commitment issues.
I pretty much left her with an “all or nothing” ultimatum (though I didn't put it that bluntly). I know that's not a good way to go about things but it was all I had left. Which she told me was completely irrational. But I explained to her that there’s no way I could just go back to being friends with her if I still liked her.
Quote:
“So, when would this start? Couldn’t we just be friends for like a few more hours or somethin’, or is this it…?”
Quote:
“Sorry Ames, but the only way I could ever get over you at this point is to straight up cut you off…If there is no “we”, then the only person I can worry about is me…”
She got teary eyed, which is out of her normal character, as she’s quite the tough cookie. But neither of us were budgin’ from our dispositions and after the hour or so conversation. I had told her everything there was to tell.
I simply couldn’t understand how she could let something potentially so special just slip through her fingers. How often do two people show mutual fondness of eachother? How can you just give up before even trying?
Quote:
“But that’s life right?”
One of the hardest decisions I ever made…I got up and walked to the door, took one last glance at her. Shouldn't have looked at her...threw open the door and walked out. Every bit of me wanted to stay and be with her, but it was so painful.
What did I do? What did I just do? I kept thinking to myself.
The hurt started to swell up in me. I had never hurt so bad from a girl before, but it was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced.
I tried to sleep.
I lied there staring into space. I just threw away the most special girl I had ever known. I hurt myself through her. That’s when I realized just how thick our layer of friendship was. I was so blind to it.
Hell, even Giga was able to recognize it better than I was ever able to up to that point.
Quote:
She cares about you more than most girlfriends care for their boyfriends. She pays attention to what's going on with you. She's invested in you. Amy's more than just "some girl", and it's not like she's some impossible crush you hardly know. You have history, and clearly, it means a lot to her.
I kept hearing a “buzzing” sound from a cell phone. Every time I heard it I’d pathetically scramble to my bag and check my phone. But it was never her. It was never my phone.
Sad, pathetic, desperate, hurt. I couldn’t sleep.
I managed about half an hour sleep. And I awoke around 2:30AM. For a brief moment I had forgotten everything that happened. For an all too brief moment…And suddenly in my waking it all came back. I wanted to scream at the top of lungs. I came so close to crying it was ridiculous.
It wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad.
I never thought past the part I’d cut it off.
I cared for her more than I knew. How could I hurt a friend so badly? If I truly cared for this girl, really cared for her well being, I wouldn’t have done such a thing. Here she is working day in day out, sick of all things and trying to entertain at least a dozen people. What kind of guy am I to throw this on her plate too?
I pulled out all I had to write with, a 3x6 notepad and a blunt pencil and began to scribble an apology asking for her forgiveness and telling her how sorry I was. I wish I knew everything I wrote but I think she still has the note…but as I was finishing the last sentence I heard a buzzing sound. And just as desperate as before I checked my phone.
And for once, it was my phone that buzzed.
Quote:
From: Amy Allen
This is agony. Maybe I’m wrong about this whole thing…Can we talk tomorrow or is it too late for that?
3:07AM 11/24/06
I read it and re-read it. Finished the note and texted her back:
Quote:
I have a note for you, I’ll drop it off tonight, you don’t have to see me if you don’t want to.
With that I took my note and my phone and in my pajamas stepped out into the frigid air outside across the street to her apartment. I knocked on the door to drop the note off but before I could even put the note on the porch step, she opened the door wrapped up in a quilt and stepped out with me.
I handed her the note then crossed my arms as I began to shiver in a futile attempt to protect myself from the cold.
She glanced at it and looked up at me.
Quote:
“Is this something bad? If this is something bad I don’t want to read it, I’d rather have you read it…”
“No, it’s not bad, it’s…just read it.”
She just looked at me with those pretty eyes.
“C’mon Choi, you’re shakin’ either from the cold or nervousness I don’t know but lets go inside.”
We went inside and sat back down on the couch. Her still wrapped up in her quilt. She read the note.
Quote:
“I still can’t see where this can go…”
I didn’t care at this point, I mean I did but as much as I wanted to resolve it, I didn’t want to keep her up, as we both were goin’ on demolding crews the next day, me with Will and her with her family. We talked a bit more and then I went back to the bunkhouse.
We agreed to discuss it the next day (technically later that day).
But we never did get around to meeting up later that day though...
