You broke up with me at the end of August just after I returned from holiday, we had been going out for almost three years, your 18 and Im 21, I had just graduated and you were just going to University in London. Why did this have to happen?
We had the best time during the two and a half years we were happy together, I loved you with everything I had, you supported me through hard times as a result of my sport, you were awesome, my best friend, girlfriend, rock, companion, lover. We were one. I realise now that this was naive and short sighted, I was so in love with you, I would have done anything for you, and I think for a lot of that time you would have done almost anything for me, you loved me. Part of me also thinks I’m hurting so much more than you, there isn't fifteen minutes that goes in a day that I don't think of you....it makes me unbelievably angry.
I no you said you wouldn't have time but you could have made time if you had wanted to, sometimes I think you were too weak to just tell me you didn't love me anymore. I no that I was always asking you what was wrong but why didn't you just tell me? Part of me also thinks that you were very selfish, ending us once before two days before my final exams in June, I no it wasn't just you but I would have held us together for you if I had been in the same position. I don't think that you realise this. Also even after this I supported you during you A levels even when we weren't going out, I replied to your texts, tried to stop you worrying, was there for you. Then when you had done your exams I had surpassed my use, and you just went out with your friends, don’t get me wrong I have no problem with you seeing your friends….it’s healthy but its bloody selfish when you have been on at me whining about your exams and University to me for hours on end in the past weeks. I couldn’t make you happy anymore, you just kept me where you wanted me, there for when you were upset down, nothing better to do and your friends for everything else. I feel devastated and used by you, I tried to end it three weeks before you did, you cried and pleaded with me not to do it, I really thought you wanted me, then you stuck the knife in, after I thought we were ok after making love, please, please….someone help me comprehend this behaviour, I will never understand this, what was going through your head?
However after seeing you at the party after racing and learning that you had been with other people since me I realise I am no longer important to you, even though you say I am. The thought of you with other guys kills me, I feel like I'm being choked to death, I realise now you want everything; me to be there for you when you are feeling low and lonely and also have your fun. I'm sorry I see it this way even after more than two months, it has been the most testing and depressing few months of my life…you have no idea.
Equally I hope that you are happy, you should be, you have everything you wanted and all that you went on about during your exam period so just shut up and enjoy it. I hope one day I will be able to talk to you without feeling utterly devastated, heartbroken and angry, but I think it will be a while.
Platypus, I will never be so open and loving to anybody else because of this pain, you hurt me more than anything I could have imagined and more. Why? Why? Why?
