Deep depression over this girl, do I love her?
Hi I'm new here and I seriously need some guidance. I just can't seem to come up with a solution and my friends aren't the easiest to talk to about it either. (I hope you don't mind but I need to get this all out, it's a long post)
I've known this girl for about nearly 2 years now, her name is Z (not saying her real name) and she seemed to blossom into this beautiful girl as I got to know her. When we first started to get to know each other we we're both in the 11th grade of highschool and I was quite shy but started to get a bit more confident and made her laugh as we got to know each other. We eventually started flirting a bit everyday and I started to really get some feelings for this girl, it got to a point where I could not concentrate in class at all (she was in my math class) and all I could see in the classroom was her, it was as if nothing else existed. I had a feeling that she liked me too, otherwise she wouldn't flirt so much with me or laugh at my lame jokes all the time, right? I got her phone number off one of her friends and txted her one night, and we continued to txt every now and again even while at school. I didn't know what to do, my feelings were growing and growing and I thought I'd ask one of her friends to see if she likes me or not. That night I got a message from her friend and she said to me that she only likes me as a friend. Naturally I was pretty upset but hey I moved on, well, I tried. A couple of months past and I started talking to her like I used to again, flirting came into play like normal and I thought to myself "man, she has to like me! she's gotta be lying or maybe she's just the type to flirt with every guy and like a ton of guys" I found out later that year that this other guy liked her too, and she liked him aswell, which made me angry and jealous and I finally gave up hope when I heard that they were together.
Okay so now it's a new year of school, year 12 now. Last senior year. First day back I see her, she comes running up to me and latches onto me and gives me a big hug. Right at that moment the feelings came back. She later on explained to me that the guy was a bastard and she hates him now. So I kinda felt like I was the good guy now. The year progressed and we continued our flirty ways and I continued to make her laugh everyday. One time in class I made her laugh, then we stopped and we gazed into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity and I got this great sensation in my body, her eyes spoke to me, it was if they were saying "I love you, can't you see?" and she smiled and then it soon stopped, she just flirted with me a bit more to get out of the trance we were in.
Many more similar moments occurred throughout the year, each moment getting more tense but something inside of me stopped myself from telling her everything I've been meaning to say.
About mid-way through the year she came online on msn messenger, and out of nowhere she asked me "do you think I like you? as more than a friend?" I replied with "Hmm, it's hard to tell" she then replied with a heartbreaking "well no I don't" as I tried to find out why she just said "I used to.." it seemed so wrong, it didn't fit in, something was out of place here, it just didn't seem right at all. I cried the next morning when I woke up cause it really hit me, those words she said, even though it was said via the internet.
The next day I arrived at school and I acted all cut around her in class, wouldn't hardly say more than a word at times, if I did speak it would be a simple yes or no, but I just sat in class playing the acoustic guitar to myself, trying to zone out (i brang my guitar to school often). The school bell rang for the end of the day and she tried to get my final attention but I just ignored her and headed home.
Later on in the week I was talking to one of her friends in person and she told me something secretive. Her friend told me that she does in fact like me as more than a friend, it's just she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. I was a bit happy but couldn't understand how that is a legitimate reason. Maybe it was because I wasn't confident enough to ever go that step forward and kissing her, only because I never felt like I had a moment to do it, or probably because I was just too scared to as I hadn't felt this way about anyone, ever.
So I go back to normal with the girl I like, we're sorta flirting more again like normal but it always depressed me after school, knowing nothing happened like I wanted it to happen each day.
I get invited to a friends 18th b'day party a couple of months later and also get invited to another party on the same day, which the girl of my dreams was attending. Her friends wanted me to go to it but I stuck true to the first invite and went to the 18th because my other group of friends wanted me their more it seemed, plus I didn't want to be depressed if I saw Z at the other party, possibly being chased by other guys.
So I'm at the 18th party, it's going all fine, having a good time and then I get a phone call from Z's best friend, she's said "hey man where are you at? we wanna come down and see you!" the parties weren't too far away from each other at all, a couple of streets away really. So I said "yeah I'm at such and such are you bringing Z over too?" and shes like "nah she had to go home, her mum is sick" I was kinda disappointed, mind you I was drunk and so was everyone else.
Her best friend arrived shortly after and she brang a few friends with her. We all sat down inside the house just chilling having a good time, and suddenly a couple starts making out with each other. Z's best friend is sitting right next to me and I said to her "I haven't kissed a girl in a looooong time" and right then she grabbed me and started pashing the hell out of me, I didn't push her off I actually went along with it. I thought I might aswell since Z doesn't like me. Nothing else happened that night, just alot of drunk pashing.
It's the next week of school and it's first period of the day, Math class with Z. Usually she sits next to me, but no, not today, she decides to sit with her other friend and not with me and she ignores me all lesson. Now I'm thinking to myself "okay, if she didn't like me as more than a friend she wouldn't of moved somewhere else and ignore me" Right, so I was confused as hell. Lunch time came around and she most likely realized what she has done and she tries to pull me aside to talk to me as we walk past each other but I kept walking. I get a txt message about 5 minutes later saying "I'm so sorry!" I didn't reply, I just acted all cut like I usually would.
We had a talk about it the next day and I was trying to get her to fess up that she liked me. I explained to her she wouldn't of reacted that way if she didn't like me and I asked what's the go? She just said in a confused/angry sort of way "I don't know!" every answer I got from her was basically "I don't know!" and she said she would tell me when she found out, that was probably her way of getting out of it all.
It's near the end of the year now, a month or so before graduation and I don't sit with her in math or hardly talk to her at all! Even though I felt like I loved her and I still got nervous every time I saw her and I could tell she wanted to talk to me or something, it's just we never did. We eventually talked on the phone and we discussed why we didn't talk to eachother at all, we had a nice chat, it felt good to hear her voice and I could tell it felt good for her too but our conversation was quite pointless as we still didn't talk to eachother after the next day for some reason.
Graduation time. We have officially graduated, everyone will most likely never see eachother again. It's a sad day. Myself and Z hugged for atleast a minute, I didn't want to let go and she asked me if we would stay in contact and doubted me that I didn't want to speak to her but I said I wanted to and I really do want to.
Graduation was 2 and half months ago and I haven't seen or heard from Z since and I am really depressed. I keep dreaming about her atleast every night, I always end up kissing her in my dreams and I wake up and I get even more sad. I want to talk to her but whenever I think of doing it I get butterflies and they stop me from doing so. I feel as if she doesn't want to talk to me, like I don't mean anything to her. I've been waiting for a sign or something, I've tried to move on, I've met a few different girls but none give me the same feeling. I just want to talk to her, I want to know the truth, everything but at the same time I can't do it, I don't know why!
Thankyou for listening to my very long story but I really needed to tell people and get some advice. Please help.
