Why I cant deal with this girl anymore...

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19-01-07, 10:26 PM
deeb

Why I cant deal with this girl anymore...

I was in a long distance relationship when my girlfriend and her family moved to Florida and I went off to go to college in NY.

She became very sketchy while in Florida. She would at times bring up how she slept over guys houses after drinking with them. She promised me she wasn't doing anything and that she loved me. These new guys were just friends, she'd insist, and they weren't sleeping in the same bed or anything. I tried to bite my tongue a lot and not be an obsessive boyfriend but we'd end up getting in arguments sometimes. Not even arguments really...only me getting angry and then her taking it in and saying "sorry." This would always make me feel guilty so I'd always have to be the last to apologize.

When she visited me in NY in December she had brought up, casually, to her friends (while I was sitting right next to her) that her new necklace she had received from this guy Mike.

Of course, I had to voice my concern. Why is this guy giving her (my girl) gifts? Keep in mind this is the same guy who she's drank with and slept over his house.

She didn't understand my concern. She honestly made me feel like a fool for worrying about some guy giving her gifts. I mean certaintly she is allowed to receive gifts from other people, right?

I'm not sure. She didn't tell me about Mike giving her this gift until much later after the fact. Am I wrong for being so upset over this? Why would this guy want to give her gifts if he didn't think he was getting any? Or am I suppose to believe this is just a genuine friend (which although is possibly seems quite unlikely).
19-01-07, 11:20 PM
vashti

Either your girlfriend is playing you for a fool, or she is incredibly stupid in believing that guys just hand over gifts like this for pleasure, or that they just want to sleep when a girl spends the night.

Long distance relationships rarely work out. Now you see why. Protect yourself.
19-01-07, 11:56 PM
deeb

Ha, I know. This is my second one. But I really thought it could work cause we spent so much "real-life" time together and we had incredible chemistry. When she's good, she is seriously the best. When she's bad, I can't help but feel heart-broken. :(
20-01-07, 01:18 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by deeb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ha, I know. This is my second one. But I really thought it could work cause we spent so much "real-life" time together and we had incredible chemistry. When she's good, she is seriously the best. When she's bad, I can't help but feel heart-broken.

Add to that grossed-out and appalled. Ugh!
21-01-07, 01:33 AM
michaelmorgan

You state your personal boundaries my friend. Right here and right now.

Let me translate this for you:

You're going to tell your hot little "innocent" girlfriend that you feel uncomfortable with her sleeping at other guy's houses, drinking, or at least getting gifts from guys, especially necklaces.
And especially when you find out about these kinds of gifts only in a casual conversation, in front of her friends. She disrespects you on some level.
The least you could do is ask her to stop having gifts, and/or wear them near you..."Hey...you are my girlfriend or his (future) girlfriend?"

If she refuses to respect you in at least one of these ways, may I remind you that chemistry minus respect equals a broken heart.
21-01-07, 03:38 AM
lesser

it has nothing to do with long distance relationships.. if the girl wants she'll just wait till you're gone for a couple of days...

anyway what can i say to you - keep her close, but not too closer.. and still if you are together so rarely haven't you thought of being with someone else?
22-01-07, 12:26 AM
deeb

Actually, we're not going out anymore. I've attempted to show nothing but disinterest and disgust ever since the new year began. I didn't bother mentioning this in my original post 'cause I thought it would be too long a story to tell, but now I'll give it a shot. Bare with me.

I should first probably introduce some characters (made up names as to keep my identity hidden):

Sof (girl which I adored, lover, etc)

Sister (Sof's sister, older, just turned 21)

Fos ( "family" friend of Sof and Sister. 24 years old. Said to be a brotherly type figure but Sister has always had a crush on him and I've seen Sof and Sister always talk about how cute he is. In reality he's a psuedo pimp with his nice Porsche, Justin timberlake records, and boring personality. But that's just my opinion, haha).

Mak and Trak (old friends of Sofs, generally nice people)

Jus and Paul (friends of mine)

OKAY SO NOW,

It's New Years Eve. Sof's last night up in NY before she goes back to Florida with her Sister and spends her last week of vacation, before both of them go back to college (Sister goes up in Massachussets for school). Sof only stayed up for a week. We spend a couple nights going into the city, one of which, was with Fos. Sof knows I don't like him, I couldn't help telling her, Fos bothers me so much, I think he's so fake and he always talks down on me and calls me "Stevie." He always treats me like I'm a little baby or something. Sheesh.

Also, the first night she was up she spend a couple hours with me in her old home (it's not yet sold) and then went over to Fos' (partly because thats where her parents wanted her to stay while up and partly because he seems like a controlling douche bag - I don't know why he's so obsessed with his "Lil sis.") So again, this is another night where she's spending time with this brotherly figure. And she slept there at least one other night, if not two, before spending the rest of the nights at her old place (for no particular reason I guess except that it's much closer to where I live).

SO ANYWAY - back to New Years Eve. I'm sitting with her that evening. And she's getting on her nice New Years Eve dress and she's really excited to go to the city. This all was beginning to make me feel really guilty 'cause she never asked me to go to the city (she'd just assume I was going) and I KNEW I was not going to be having a fun time with her, Sister, and especially Fos.

I wanted to be with some of my friends tonight. We hadn't spend one night yet with any of my friends. I've always followed her around and dealt with her friends, both the couple nights we spent with Mak and Trak, and, of course, the one's I mentioned with her family + Fos (who's not really family, and who i don't really consider family because Sister has always had a crush on him. He's just a "trusted" family friend, though I don't trust him).

So I tell Sof, I say, "I don't know if I'm going to the city. I promised Jus and Paul that I'd spend New Years with them. Why do we have to go to the city? Can we just stay home - where it would be a lot more relaxing?" She thought about it a bit, she was getting a little upset with the idea but eventually she said, "Okay, I want to spend the night with you. I'll come with you and your friends." I'm thinking great, this is good, I'd much rather just chill at my place and have a good time with my friends than have to deal with the artificial New Years cheer in the city where it's crowded as **** and drinks are expensive as all hell.

Then. She gets a text from Fos, I assume she told him she wouldn't be coming along for the night. Well he was pissed. Sof excused herself, went into the other room and was telling her sister, "Ive never seen Fos so upset before. He's really pissed off...." I didn't bother listening to the rest of the conversation cause I already knew where this was heading...

She comes out of the room and says, "Sorry, I have to go the city." Although I expected the words, I still couldn't believe them. She's 18 now, she doesn't HAVE to do anything she doesn't want. She's an adult. But this Fos person has some very strange priority over me, and it makes no sense. I got up off my chair and said, "Well...I'm certaintly not happy about this. I'm going to go." We did a short hug/kiss goodbye (this would inevitably be the last time we see each other during the trip, giving us both another at least 2 months before we'd ever meet again). I drove home, picked up my friends, and had the worst new years ever. I couldn't believe she would ****ing do that on our last night.
22-01-07, 12:51 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by deeb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She comes out of the room and says, "Sorry, I have to go the city." Although I expected the words, I still couldn't believe them. She's 18 now, she doesn't HAVE to do anything she doesn't want. She's an adult. But this Fos person has some very strange priority over me, and it makes no sense. I got up off my chair and said, "Well...I'm certaintly not happy about this. I'm going to go." We did a short hug/kiss goodbye (this would inevitably be the last time we see each other during the trip, giving us both another at least 2 months before we'd ever meet again). I drove home, picked up my friends, and had the worst new years ever. I couldn't believe she would ****ing do that on our last night.

She doesn't HAVE to do what you tell her to, either.

You're shooting yourself in the foot. Regardless of the situation with Fos et al, you're being a controlling asshole boyfriend. There are better ways to get what you want, and sometimes you have to accept that to be with her, she's going to get what she wants, which clearly includes her family.

Don't try to make someone choose between you and her family. You will never win that one.
22-01-07, 01:03 AM
deeb

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She doesn't HAVE to do what you tell her to, either.

You're shooting yourself in the foot. Regardless of the situation with Fos et al, you're being a controlling asshole boyfriend. There are better ways to get what you want, and sometimes you have to accept that to be with her, she's going to get what she wants, which clearly includes her family.

Don't try to make someone choose between you and her family. You will never win that one.

Okay, so then are my feelings/friends/morals/thoughts, do those matter? It takes compromise from both ends. If she's going to choose to hang out with Fos over me, controlling asshole boyfriend or not, I want nothing to do with her.
22-01-07, 01:51 AM
Gigabitch

Then you have to be ready to walk away from that. The simple fact is, he was there first. look, most girls absolutely hate being bossed around. We like to be cajoled, won over. She wants you to make it worth her while to choose you, and you haven't worked yourself into a position where you can ask her to make that choice.

Why don't you work the "let's give Fos and your sister some alone time" angle?

Quit stomping your foot in anger. That's not attractive. Do you want her or not?
22-01-07, 02:18 AM
deeb

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then you have to be ready to walk away from that. The simple fact is, he was there first. look, most girls absolutely hate being bossed around. We like to be cajoled, won over. She wants you to make it worth her while to choose you, and you haven't worked yourself into a position where you can ask her to make that choice.

Why don't you work the "let's give Fos and your sister some alone time" angle?

Quit stomping your foot in anger. That's not attractive. Do you want her or not?

You don't understand that I didn't just come into the relationship stomping my foot in anger. This New Years Eve was just the "straw that broke the camels back." Obviously I don't want her anymore, hence the topic title "I can't deal with this girl anymore."

The problem with the story is that I jumped right into the end, and you missed a lot of back story here. That's my fault, but it's something that had to be done if anyone was going to care long enough to read my posts.

She has a problem with letting people down. But she thinks its alright to let me down because we are closer and she always expects forgiveness from me.

Before coming to NY, she promised her ex that they would hang out together. However, she knew full well that she wasn't going to do it, she's not interested in him anymore, not as a relationship and not as a friend. She has told me this. He called a lot over the week and she never picked up or she would pick up and tell him "oh sorry, im in the city." Then when she got home she apologized to him and said she was sorry she was so busy. She went out of her way to apologize. That's just dumb. If she keeps doing that then he'll NEVER get the hint that things are over.

Well I haven't accepted her apologies since the last incident. i'm not falling for this. It is WAY too convenient, and a luxury for her to apologize to me so that we're on "good terms" when she is all the way in florida with her drunk, gift-giving friends.

She doesn't know how to tell people no. She doesn't know how to let people go. So, I'm making this easy and doing it for her. Steven is out. I'm not going to be a part of this juggling act any longer. If she feels that I'm worth it then she should stop playing games with everyone and start working on her real friendships.

EVEN her best friend, she basically ditched while in NY. I saw her receive a text from this best friend and she just ignored it. And she also originally had plans to hang out with Mak and Trak on New Years. She promised them she'd go over there house to hang out. But no, she went to the city with Fos and just ignored Mak and Trak (who I'm sure later, stupidly forgave her).

She makes promises with everyone, and then, with whatever strange reasoning, chooses a plan that night and then just apologizes to everyone later.

Sometimes you just have to be there. She plays innocent girl all day long, being so kind and cute with everyone and then she ditches people in the weirdest ways.

You know what? It was pretty wrong of me to do something like that on New Years. To stand outside her door and making her make a decision between her family and me. But you also know what? i've had it wiht a lot of things. I want to know if this shit is real. She hangs out wiht me a lot when I'm around and thats great but immediately when Fos gets in the picture she has NEVER stuck her head out for me. Its ALWAYS what Fos wants. So this time I did a "my way or the highway."

I don't care if this makes me sound like an asshole. At least I'm sincere and I know what I want. if someone is going to play games all day i don't care how nice you are, you're a moron.