Hi everyone,
I'm in a relationship with this guy for almost two years, lets call him "tom". And well, we're serious and if all goes well we want to spend our lives together.
The issue is me, i'm very insecure, my first relationship was a abusive one(not physically but emotionally) I got into it when I was 16 and was in it for 3 years. The timing was awful, and I never got to enjoy anything, he always made me feel useless and worthless, he claimed he loved me but he sure had a funny way of showing, during this time I spoke to noone but him, and never got to party or get drunk, flirt with random ppl in clubs, hookups, all that stuff. A lot of ppl think i should be thankful I didn't do those things cuz u end up regretting it half the time, but I guess it goes the other way too :/ Finally I broke up with him, I suppose it was the built up rage that helped me take that step! as you can imagine I came out of it, with low self esteem, and insecurities.
Ok so back to tom, I'm crazy about him, but he's really smart and i constantly feel worthles around him, so I try to bring him down, he is a very secure person, and I dunno i'm jealous of that. Also in hs he got to a lot of fooling around, and he thinks that stuff is stupid and like i have moments when I want to just leave go to a club get wasted and sleep with random ppl. Of course I would never do this, but it makes me feel as if i'll better be able to deal with his past that way. Intellectually, I constantly feel inferior, and I feel liek he knows everything, so I try to pick an field where I could specialize, but he finds just that interesting, and does that in addition to everything else he is doing. I need my own specialty which will make me feel equal to him. Frustrated I just bring him down. I feel horrible and always apologize later.
Besides "get a therapist" is there anything i can do? Has anyone ever felt thsi way?
I know this was long and thanks for your input.