Its over again for Journ..

Hey everyone. OK I know this post is kind of long but please bear with me. I met this girl online about 8 months ago. Things were great for a long time. Then I began to feel kind of choked. I told her I needed a bit more space and that we were going to fast, and she agreed, but not really. Examples:
* I saw her every weekend, and when my Mom was sick on Friday night and I wanted to stay with her, she got upset because Friday was "our night".

* One day just a couple weeks ago I checked out another girl walking down the street and she asked me to pull over. She stormed out of the car saying "this is bull shit", "I can't take this crap".

* At my company dinner dance I danced with another co-worker. It was salsa dancing, but she stormed out and wanted to leave immediately. First the silent treatment, then I heard about it in the car later.

* We talked alot on the phone alot during the week at night - almost as if she was keeping an eye out.

There were times when I did feel trapped, but overall it was great. Then she asked me whether I was conversing with anyone else. I said no.

But actually, I had decided to go back online and set up my profile about a week prior to that. I met two girls but only e-mailed them a couple times each. I somehow felt releived to be back online – getting confirmation that there were plenty of fish in the sea. At the gym when I had time, it also felt good to be in the company of other single guys who were obviously playing the field.

I was afraid to tell her the truth about going back online because I knew it would end it. I feel like shit ok? I even went to a councellor today to talk about it. ANYWAYS..

I told her that I thought it was best to say good bye. I said I didn’t think I was the settling down type, and that I just wanted my space. I said she needed someone who could satisfy her requirements to always be there for her, and that I wasn’t that guy. She still wanted to work it out.

I physically tried to leave and when I was at the door she pulled me back and would’nt let me go. She wanted to talk some more.

She then asked me about my exes and whether they were e-mailing me. I said yes – just a couple emails. She then demanded to see my emails. I said no, but she kept drilling me, so I thought to myself what the hell.

So there she is, going through my e-mails like a lawyer trying to find evidence, and boy did she ever. She saw e-mails from my exes who were 'just saying hi and telling me how much they think about me' and from the two girls that I recently met online (only two or three emails). She went ballistic. She threw all of my stuff in the middle of the living room and told me to get the **** out. So I did.

OK fine, but right now I feel like shit. I lied about not emailing or conversing with anyone. I should have told her from the start that I was back into dating again. I wasn’t open – I was hiding these things because I was scared to lose her. Shit. I should have just told her and been honest. Maybe she would have let go a bit and given me more space. She always wanted to work things out.

Now she thinks I’m just not to be trusted at all – that I’m the type to do stuff behind her back. I never cheated, and I never would, but she thinks the potential is there because I was secretive about it. I feel so bad everyone. I lied and was not open and truthful. It never happened to me like this before. And its not like I'm 18. I'm 31 and should know better.

Wow, you sound like a kid. No offense ofcourse. What I do not understand is how you can break up with her, she pulls you back in, and then goes ballastic on you...umm...kick you out? didn't you just tell her that it isn't working? ....anyways, I thought you were going to marry some girl and have her sign some prenup?

Yes. Thats the pre-nup girl. She agreed to one day signing one if it ever lead to that.

To answer the first question .. yes, thats exactly how it happened. I explained to her that I wanted to end it because I needed more space. She dragged me back in and tried to work it out. Thats why I'm choked about the whole thing. Maybe the relationship could have become alot better over time.

But then she demanded to see the emails .. and there's no workin that out..

yeah but i mean, you did play her so you can't expect her to not be upset. anyway at least it's done now and you can move on. luckily 8 months isn't long.

hang in there journ.

Thanks Misombra. I have actually sought professional help - not like you arent - youre awesome. You've always been there for me. Journey songs and all.. I just need to talk to someone face to face other than my Mom.

Somehow this hurts so much - unlike my other break-ups where I was the dumpee. This hurts me deep down - like who I am. I should have just told her everything as it happened and our relationship would be so much stronger now.
I remember when I even got pissed off when her ex boyfriend was calling. She called him in front of me to tell him to bugger off. And that was the end of that. I didn't even do the same for her.

MAn this sucks so bad..

You know what else... After we broke up I went back on the dating website. I cancelled my profile but I saw her there! All set up with a new profile.

She knows I saw her too. I instant messaged her. I said "please understand". She said "don't ask me to do that" Then I just said that I was cancelling my profile.. that it was a waste of my time. She said have a good life.. and thats it.

She's been on there every night since the break-up. I notice as a "guest" with no profile set up.

I have e-mailed her a couple times saying that I'm sorry... but she hasn't responded. For all I know she's probably spamed my e-mail address.

You are a man. You have the right to make mistakes. :)
Stupid people always make the same mistake. Smart people make different mistakes everytime.

Yes, it wasn't your best choice to hide things from her. But you kept secret some stuff because 1) you were afraid of her reaction (anger mostly, and less hurt) and 2) you felt guilty somehow. I KNOW that even if you told her some of the things you did, all that could come up was a great fight.

You asked for space, she didn't actually give you space.

I am surprised she didn't pretend to be sick that Friday too, and take you towards emotional sabotage.

Man, I hope you learned your lessons from this. Now it's in the past. You have paid your dues regarding honesty, apologies; she hasn't paid her dues regarding emotional maturity and she learned from this that man are pigs, instead of understanding there has been something WRONG in her relationship patterns.

Enjoy your opportunies and wisdom!

im not going to read other's opinions about this before my own

but

These are the cases that evolve into domestic violence. she has too much control over you because you let her. I usually stand up for the women since they play the shy and helpless card, but in this case, you need to stand up...

Bullet dodged. Congratulations.

Learn your lesson and don't do things that make you feel shitty. Next time, break up first.

All of you have given me great insight. Thanks so much.
Quite timely I notice.. with that other thread about the definition of dating.