conflict resolution - this should be interesting
Hello ladies!
Im fresh (2 weeks) off a 2 year relationship that didn't end the best. The short of it is she was the most intense gf i have ever had. When things were great they were GREEEEAT! and when things where bad... it got ugly. She had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder midway through the relationship, and one of the symptoms was that she would twist things i said or pickout a few words, piece them together and take what i was saying extremely out of context.
As I am sure that i am not completely innocent here... I want to pose a question to the ladies of this forum to see where i can improve for the next time i fall in love.
Michelle and i would have conflicts ocassionally. The biggest problems wasn't necessarily the issue, but the way in which we handled the issue. Having a consulting background, I guess i could say that i THINK i have a pretty good grasp on conflict management, but i never could seem to get through to her.
I would try to bring up the issue ever so delicately in a mindful way to give her many opportunities to save face. If she brought up the issue i made it a point to listen carefully and clarify and isolate the conflict. By clarify not only do i mean understand (empathy) but to see it as if it were through my her eyes (sympathy). I wanted to talk it through to understand any underlying emotions and/or causes. I know this sounds extremely analytical, but i guess my ideal process is:
1. see the prob thru her eyes
2. isolate to make sure that's all and nothing else
3. reassure her that i understand where she was coming from
4. let her know where my head and heart was at (hoping she could in turn see my perspective) at the time
5. gain a general understanding of the big picture problem
6. discuss and commit to doing things different to avoid the problem in the future.
7. follow through
I always got stuck at 4, not getting any reciprocation.
So , ladies, is it that the typical process doesn't work on women in general? Does it need to be tweaked or thrown out all together? Or quite possibly could i have been on the right track with the wrong person (this i already know for other reasons).
Please give me some feedback! I don't want this to be an issue in the future, and i am will to do whatever it takes to gently manage conflicts... as long as i don't end up like my older apathetic married friends "yes dear, whatever you say dear"
