Childhood friend, bad history.
This thread is kind of long, sorry about that, and my english might not be the best since it's not my first language, so bare with me please.
I don't know whether this belongs here or not since I don't really know if I'm in love. Anyways this is my story.
First of all, I'm a 20 years old, and so is she.
I don't really know how to start.. uhm, well I've known this girl for my whole life. We were neighbours and so we grew up together. I've been attracted to this girl since I was a kid but never had the guts to tell her. (Suppose that's normal when you're a couple of kids). We spent most of our childhood together, except for a few years when I had to move away (still saw her during vacations though). Uhm, a time line might be helpful, since I think our ages are an important factor. I've lived next to her since we were born until I was 5, I moved away and returned when I was 9, and we kept our friendship until I was 11-12.
That's when things began to change.
See, she was the type of girl who would always get good marks at school, she was liked by everyone, a very cheerful person. But from that time on we started losing contact, even though we lived next to each other. I don't know why that happened, but I suppose it was because she was growing up, she wanted to meet guys, her hormones took over her, you know. I, on the other hand, was still getting 'aroused' by videogames and stuff, like any other kid.
Well, this kept going from days to months, from months to years and she was getting further and further away from me. I completely lost contact with her, and never did anything about it either.. that was pretty stupid of me, but since I still liked her it was hard for me. (I'm a REALLY shy, self-conscious person, so I never told her what I felt)
Well, I was barely seeing her (just seeing her, not talking) until she changed to my school, and to my class. To me it was a dream come true, I would finally have the chance to talk to her again and befriend her once again, but what I saw was a totally different person (I should note we never talked in class either). We were 14 at that time. She would hang out with these guys who were the epitome of shit, always smoking, getting drunk, doing drugs. I couldn't believe it. To top it off, I was the nerdy kid who got beat up (only occasionaly, thankfully) by these ****ing morons in front of her, and I never stood up for myself. She did.. this one time. For no apparent reason these assholes came to me and started hitting me, and they stopped when she said something like 'aww live the poor thing alone'. I assure you I never felt more ashamed in my ****ing life. There I was, getting beaten up and not doing anything about it, and she pitying me.
That kept going for 2-3 more years until I moved away again. During my time away (in another country), I found out that she got into drugs too, and that she tried to kill herself TWICE. Of course, this time I couldn't really do anything since I didn't know how to contact her. I moved away when I was 16, and returned at 18. (This new experience in another country really changed me, I no longer let anyone **** with me and I have obtained a lot of self-confidence).
When I returned, I went back to where I used to live for a few months, so I got to see her a few times. And then again, she was like a complete different person. She would approach me and say 'hi, how are you?' , kiss me in the chick, like when we were friends. I didn't know what the hell was going on. And then these feelings I had for her came back to me, and I didn't know what to do so I chose to do nothing. It's been almost two years now that I don't see her, even though we don't live that far away. I've been told that even though she's doing better than before she still doesn't know what to do with her life. Moreover, her parents had just divorced, and I'm worried she would try to do something stupid again.
This may sound childish and stupid, but I have this feeling that I should be there for her, because I still have feelings for her and because I feel like I should make up for all those years I wasn't there for her.
But whenever I put too much thought into it, it seems like it's not such a good idea because there's no reason for her to be thinking of me as a friend anymore, and I don't have the right to get into her life with the excuse that we used to best friends. But then again, the feeling does not go away. (Don't think she's the only one I think about all the time. It's not like I haven't been able to get over her. I did, but still get this feeling from time to time.)
I don't know, what do you guys think?
If anything was not clear, please do say so.
Thanks.
