From insecure to secure, my story ..
I used to have an inner voice, who critizised me and everything I did. I still have it, yet not as strong as before. Previously, it could make me feel helpless, in any situation. If i met new people, it could make me believe they looked down on me, before we even said hello. To be comfortable in a queue, a diner or a cafe was really, really hard. I could feel eyes all over me, disgust in peoples eyes, and grins on their faces. It made me tremble, and I always looked down when I felt I got attention. "Who do you think you are?", was probably the most common thing "I" asked myself.
I realised that I had bad confidence last autumn, when my girlfriend broke up with me after little more than a year. It was like a punch in the face, I always believed I was strong inside. I thought everyone had those thoughts, and I even believed that it was good for me. That it was my common sense speaking to me. I realised, that during my entire life, I had never been confident in myself. During my later years in school (secondary school), I often imitated those who I admired, and I never saw -any- good sides with myself. What I saw in me, I dispised. Always something to change, something bad in me to get rid off. If I accomplished something, it wasn't thanks to me, it was just a number of coincidenses, pure luck. So easy that anyone could have done it.
Afterwards I've noticed what insecurity can do. Everything takes an extra effort, "is this really the right way to do it? I'm probably wrong..", you hesitate or fumble. When you speak to people, you dont say what you really want, but try to walk around it instead of getting straight to the point, because you are afraid of how people will react.
That is something that has changed dramatically during the last few months. Earlier, I could barely think when I was under pressure, when a crowd watched me, or when I was competing against time or other people. The memory and reflexes lacks, and people cant tell that you are insecure.
Other things that affected me was what kind of people that we're IN the crowd, what their feelings towards me were, and what they were expecting. If I was in a familiar place, I felt more secure, otherwise.. disastrous.
I still am a bit insecure, but I can feel a vital difference. I believe in myself, that I have worth and that I will endure. The inner voice is getting weaker and weaker, as i replace it with positive thoughts. I have no problems at all when I meet new people, on the contrary, It's easy and it makes me really happy. I know that one day, I can be the man I am inside, I can feel it.
Thanks a lot for reading.
