Sometimes I get a different perspective
From just thinking about the same thing in a different way. As in, something I've known for a long time, but suddenly it changes meaning for me. I couldn't fall asleep a couple nights ago and just thought "Why do I like girls so much if I've never even 'had' one?". Something that simple, but I thought about it for a while, and it just became such a strange thought. I know what the reasoning is, I'm pre-programmed to feel this way. But still, it is so weird to just think of it like that for a little.. It's like an addiction but I've never done anything to deserve this addiction, I was born with it.
And then it becomes so hard to do school work. I sit down and realize I wasted an hour thinking about this stupid shit, and I can't concentrate on my school work because I can't feed my addiction. In the last 3 years or so, I don't know how much time I've wasted because a huge part of my mind is being consumed by these nagging thoughts. And I can't shake it and won't be able to until I die.
Which makes it so much worse than any physical or "psychological" addiction. When you snort shit up your nose, it changes your brain chemistry to something unnatural and takes your brain chemistry out of equilibrium. Over time this will change and revert back to a state of normalcy. Unless you really fried yourself good. For love, lust, addiction is the natural state.
And it keeps me up at night. Every time I go to bed, I start wishing I didn't have to go to bed alone EVERY single night of my life. But then I think.. Why? What's wrong with that?
...And it doesn't help.
But when it hit me, it seemed really profound. I guess it was just at the moment when I really saw the light. WHY do I feel this way?
