Need help with learning how to trust my girlfriend

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22-11-07, 10:57 AM
Gridlock

Need help with learning how to trust my girlfriend

4 months ago this woman started talking to me, I was not initially attracted to her but somehow we became friends and ended up falling in love pretty quickly, and now she is the most special person in the world. Part of why I love her is how honest she is (ironic huh?) to give a relevant example here are two things she has told me about her past:
A) She has been sexual with 20-30 people since she was 20 (shes 25 now)
B) She has cheated on every person she has ever been with.

Most people would think "Then why the hell are you getting involved with her!!??"

Well I will tell you why I made the descision to give her a chance (besides for that shes brilliant), for one, she was a speed junkie for years (we both have drug addled pasts) and I can understand the kind of selfish and depraved things that can take place when you are really loaded all the time (or wanting to be). Secondly, she was molested and introduced to sex at an EXTREMELY young age, and I know it warped her views even further. She has told me several times that she has changed, that she won't go back to being like that, but it STILL bothers me. Through all my problems with dependancy in the past my views on sex were never anything like hers, I've been with 4 women my entire life
and only one of them was someone I didn't care about and I deeply regreted it the next day, but I was also never molested and had a healthier upbringing than her, as you can see I am trying my best to understand.

Right now she is out of town visiting her family and friends for a week, including an ex-wife, and other people she has slept with in the past. I should also mention that she lives with an old "sex-buddy" as well. It's not that I don't believe people can change, I KNOW people change, I have changed a great deal, but to admit that you've cheated on every - single - partner you've ever had? Isn't that extreme? She does claim that those relationships were so abusive and crazy that they weren't even in the same league as ours, which does make sense considering her past...but I just can't seem to make up my mind. They say habitual cheaters never stop. It's really starting to make me depressed and I just want to get past it, I can't take another heart break. I should also say that my last relationship ended partly due to infedility so I'm conditioned to be less trusting than normal.

Thank you so much for any advice..
22-11-07, 11:02 AM
DoesntMatter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

A) She has been sexual with 20-30 people since she was 20 (shes 25 now)

Given the crowd she used to belong to, she has got to have all sorts of STDs....
22-11-07, 11:09 AM
Gridlock

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoesntMatter [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Given the crowd she used to belong to, she has got to have all sorts of STDs....

No. But thanks...?
22-11-07, 11:13 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I should also say that my last relationship ended partly due to infedility so I'm conditioned to be less trusting than normal.

Thank you so much for any advice..

I don't think it's out of the ordinary that you are having trust issues with this girl, given her history. My advice is to take things slowly and be sensitive to any red flags or signs. If there aren't any, your trust will slowly grow for this girl (The key here is time). Treat her well, but don't jump into a really serious relationship until you have tested the water a little and know more about what she's like. Is she the kind of person with firm bounds or someone who could let things happen? You will soon find out.
22-11-07, 11:22 AM
vashti

Quite honestly, I don't know why she DESERVES to be trusted, and you'd be a fool if you did.

Now, rather than worrying about how you can trust her, maybe you should be focusing on what compels you to seek out relationships with obviously untrustworthy people with promiscuous sexual histories. Do you have some deep-seated need to "rescue" broken people?

Generally, I think people like you gain a certain amount of self-esteem by associating yourself with people like her. If you can get her to "reform" herself, you get to look like a hero and her savior. If she behaves badly, you get to look like a victim and the "good" guy, while she gets to be the "bad" guy.
22-11-07, 11:35 AM
Gigabitch

I agree with the above that your mistrust is not misplaced.

Only you can determine if it will poison your relationship. If so, you need to get out. If you think you can do it, I suggest you be just as honest as she's been. Tell her about your concerns. Maybe she'll learn that there is such a thing as "need to know" information, and you didn't really need to know all that.
22-11-07, 11:36 AM
Gridlock

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Quite honestly, I don't know why she DESERVES to be trusted, and you'd be a fool if you did.

Now, rather than worrying about how you can trust her, maybe you should be focusing on what compels you to seek out relationships with obviously untrustworthy people with promiscuous sexual histories. Do you have some deep-seated need to "rescue" broken people?

Generally, I think people like you gain a certain amount of self-esteem by associating yourself with people like her. If you can get her to "reform" herself, you get to look like a hero and her savior. If she behaves badly, you get to look like a victim and the "good" guy, while she gets to be the "bad" guy.

I see where you're coming from, however she doesn't need to be changed if she's being honest, all this behaviour took place while she was running on meth (she's already "reformed").
22-11-07, 11:37 AM
vashti

Well, if you genuinely believed she has been reformed, then you why would you be worried?
22-11-07, 11:45 AM
Gridlock

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, if you genuinely believed she has been reformed, then you why would you be worried?

Well that's primarily the issue, I go back and forth (not convinced either way that she has truly become a different person).
22-11-07, 11:47 AM
Gigabitch

Commit, one way or the other. Either you give this relationship the best shot you've got, or you walk away. You're riding he fence.
23-11-07, 01:06 AM
IndiReloaded

She sounds very charismatic. Consider that's the real reason you find her attractive.

Sorry, but unless someone's undergone some kind of life epiphany (unlikely at 25) I think that its still a 'past performance predicts future behaviour' type thing.

But you sound like you're sucked in, so prbly can't walk away from it. Go slow & keep your expectations low. Good luck.

PS-contrary to what many ppl think, honesty by itself is not a virtue. It can be the complete opposite & denote a complete lack of self-control.
23-11-07, 11:09 PM
misombra

this is why child molesters are tortured in prison.

anyway it sounds like you'll be staying with her. i would convince her to get therapy. a lot of therapy. she has many things to deal with and if you stay with her, you'll be taking the long, hard road along with her.

i think if this is the road you go down, you'll have to be prepared to lose her/ let her go in order to help her.

whether she decides to continue her past behavior or make a change for the better, you will be going through hell for her. are you ready for that?
24-11-07, 09:28 AM
DarkDwarf

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Quite honestly, I don't know why she DESERVES to be trusted, and you'd be a fool if you did.

Bingo. She doesn't deserve your trust. "She may deserve your love, but defiantly not your trust. As Mish said, that will come with time.