My mind, my soul, everything is messy..
First off all, i hope i'm posting this in the right part of this message board.
Since most of my threads start with a rather long post (I need to express what i feel, to open my self. Funny tough, my mom working in a company "help phone" - they listen to people problems and yet I cannot talk to her about my personal love problems...kinda feels like she is not my mom but some kind of a shrink and it is wierd..) i'll try to make this one as short as possible.
In my lifetime i hade one really serious relationship a while ago (i had a thread about it here) and currently i'm having my second serious relationship as we speak,
Recently i was cleaning my room, throwing useless stuff away and just simply making more space in it and i came across a box. I tought it was a box full of installation cds and manuals for my sister's pc since i have been looking for it for a long time and it was the same kinda box but it turned out it wasn't.
It was "all my life with my ex is in here" box. As soon as I opened it, i remembered that inside were a couple of small blocks of paper that we used to write to eachother when we were appart, lots of picutres and her last couple of mails to me, when all was already gone and she tried to get me back.
Stupid as I am, I re-read most of the mails, looked at the pictures but didn't really mind about the block papers (as i know it's mostly borring bullshit in them). I had to take a peek (it was a rather long research than a peek) before I trash good 2 years of my life (to make it clear, that happened about 2 weeks ago, I checked it only on that occasion and than closed it and put it in the garbage box which was later that week taken to the big garbage where we throw all of our garbage away).
Before I continue with this, I must write something else.
Those who read my first threads on this message board know what happend with my ex and all (a short "remembering" for the rest... i was happy in love for abouth 20 months, than found out things are not as they seem...stayed with her but was suspicios...tried to break up twice or so but couldn't be without her so i took her back...a month or so later found out she did cheat on me and dumped her..and i almost forgot, for a good year we were engaged...we were 21years old when we broke up, now i'm almost 25...
Approximatly 2 good years right after we broke up i mostly hated her, than felt sorry for her (in a way how could people be so bad/stupid/etc)..pretty much random shit mood just to make by. But she did cross my mind from time to time. Sometimes that made me sad, sometimes I remembered how sad and depressed I was when I found out about cheating. Overall, I "survived" the first hard year with a lot of working so I had my mind occupied.
Lately, for the last year, she is on my mind more often. Probably also because this year all of the schoolmates got together (most of us came, she did to) for the 5th anniversary of our class...than we went to a drink once durring this year (i was in the naighbourhood and since we said we'll at least be kindof friends when we broke up, i called her for a drink) and I also got to see her on some other occasions (a couple of funerals, etc.. nothing planned or anything, just something we both had to or wished to attend because of the "event").
In those mailes she wrote all kind of stuff...like she really is sorry for what she did (altough even today she insists that she did not cheat on me....did she or didn't, i don't care anymore nowdays but if i'd have to choose one, i'd say she did)...how she will do anything to make me happy, a happyhusband, how she wants to be with me for the rest of my life, be the best wife, the best mother, etc...
One mail even said something like that i, even if we break up (we were still kinda together at the time of writing the mail) that she will allways love me and that I was the love of her life. I re-read my posts here on this message board and I seemed to tell her/wrote her that even if broke up (that was about 2weeks after we broke up and when i got weak again and wanted her back, but she suddenly completly changed her mind and only wanted to be friends) that she will always have a special place in my hearth.
All this years later I realize something. Maybe it is couse i re-read the mails, saw the pictures, saw her more often this year or even cause i re-read all that i wrote on this message board (tough here i wrote mostly the ugly things that happen). I realized that all this years later...i still ..i don't know..love her? I cannot say love her since that is just a big to big word to express what i feel... but i defenitly feel something.
She is currently in a relationship that started (as i am aware of it) approximatly 1/2 - 1 year after we broke up... How is her relationship is something that i don't know (tough from the personal message line in msn messenger i can see that lately it's not working out that well...tough nothing really serious i suppose...)... The guy she is with is the opposite of me from what I could see (she came to my workplace with him once since my line of work was something she needed help with)... somehwat "wannabe" player, doesn't really look anything special (like really beautiful or sth), but seems like a lazy guy who finds effort with even when he has to talk (my impression but than again who am i to judge or to care who she is with).
