In Love but had problems showing emotion!
So heres the basic story. I met my ex wife while in college and after a while, the relationship started to fall apart. I think it was more of a puppy love feeling. Well, after being told she could never become pregnant, she did and we both agreed that we wanted to have our child. We decided a the time against getting married because we didnt think that was right for us at the time. Over the years we went through good times and bad in our relationship. We would be together for a year and then be apart while the entire time caring for our son and doing what we could for him. Eventually we decided to give it one more try and get married. About a year and a half into our marriage we were back in the same cycle we had always been in with our relationship and she started having an affair with a classmate in graduate school. After feeling wierd and getting a gut feeling about it, i confronted her and she denied having been with him and said that she wanted to work on fixing our relationship. Another six months went by and I still didnt feel right about everything. Eventually i found out that the affair had been going on for that long if not longer. Needless to say, that was the end of the emotional relatiosnhip. If an affair isnt enough, she was involved in a BDSM relationship where she liked being hung, chocked, cut., abused..etc etc. None of these desires were ever played out in our relationship. She had never mentioned anything about it. Regardless, she is now remarried to the person in the affair.
This was all pretty devastating for me and i entered into a deep state of depression for a long time. The pain was unbearable at times as some of you if not most of you might know. Its not something that you get over very easily, especially when you have a child involved and have to stay connected to that person because of your son. I tried dealing with all the pain and emotion by drinking and having meaningless sex with other women. This seemed to work for a bit although the pain was still very prevelant and at times i would break down when i was with another woman because of it.
About six months after we officially separated, i met another woman whom i had told that i wasnt looking for an emotional relatiosnhip with as I had told all others prior. I was too hurt and had put up walls resembling fort knox. I was unbelievably scared of the pain i had gone through and as i slowly was able to get away from that i couldnt even think about letting my guard down. Well after a few months of being with this person, lets just call her Amy, i started to develop feelings for her. Amy wanted nothing more in the world for me to drop the walls i had up and love with all my heart. She said she understood my pain and was in love with me. Well, i had a real hard time telling her that I loved her and showing any affection. Intenally i was scared of the feelings I was having. I tried to show her that I did care and had feelings for her in a way that would not comprimise my pain blocking mechanisms. BUt that wasnt enough for her, nor should it have been. She deserved more than I was able to give.
This relationships lasted for a year and 9 months and ended over a month ago. Throughout the whole relatiosnhip, i would push her away whenever i felt like i was getting too close. I hated doing this to her but could not stand the thought of being hurt again like i had been before. We would break up and get back together shortly after over and over. We would get jelous of each other all the time and every thing seemed to be an argument. She had talked of marriage and more kids (she has one of her own...and lives 2 hours from me) quite a bit. She felt that since i was with her, i shouldnt be hurting over my past and i should be able to see what i have in her. I had been bitter over marriage and had told her that i wasnt planning on ever getting married again. I had also said that I didnt want any more kids. Well, there were many times that I had thought of wanting both marriage and kids with Amy but could never let her know that.
So as it played out, we broke up. She was fed up with giving all to me and I was frustrated with feeling like i wasnt understood about needing my time to heal without feeling pressure about marriage. So, now for the past month i feel like i am reliving the pain i went through years ago. I havent been eating and have been depressed and devastated over it. It has made me realize that I infact do love her and want to be with her. BUt she feels like she tried for so long and cant go back to the relatiosnhip we had. I understand this.
I guess what im ultimitely getting at is....has anyone had similiar experiences with love and emotions and not being able to express yourself properly during the relationship but once its over you see it clearly!
Sorry for the long-winded post. If you did take the time to read this, it is much appreciated
Sad Person
