He has feelings for me, but doesn't want to get into a relationhip

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23-03-08, 02:32 AM
lostandalone

He has feelings for me, but doesn't want to get into a relationhip

My ex and I went out for a month, but he broke up with me because I think I was being a little clingy and he felt like he had to emotionally support me all the time -.-;. But after a few days, he said he regretted it and that he misses having that connection with me. He really wants to be friends cause I'm still very important to him.

The thing is, after we're friends, he told me he started to think more sexually about me. And we began to talk more about sexual stuff more than we ever did while in a relationship. He said he still has feelings for me too, but can't get into a relationship. Since I am a horny girl and I still love him a lot, I didn't mind being friends with benefits with him.

But I don't get it. Is he lying when he said he has feelings for me? He's a really good guy, so I don't think he's trying to use me. And like in class when he sat next to me, he held my hand, and that just brought me back to the days when we were together. But can you really have feelings for a girl but not willing to get in a relationship with her?
23-03-08, 07:49 AM
IndiReloaded

He's just not that into you.

But won't say no to no-strings sex.
23-03-08, 09:34 AM
GrkScorp

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandalone [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But can you really have feelings for a girl but not willing to get in a relationship with her?

Umm.. yeah..

Imagine a girl who periodically goes off on tangents about her ex-bf and how he left her, and how it means that good things leave her life and how she'll never be happy, isn't destined to be happy, and how she wants to kill herself, and how the only way for her to be happy is to be in an alternate universe, and so her spirit can be free.. etc

Exactly..

Nobody wants to deal with that.. dealing with it from time to time is fine.. but nobody wants to feel obligated to deal with that constantly, and one can only imagine how much more there is to deal with if you're in a relationship with someone like that..

But that doesn't mean that someone can't have feelings for that person (or else they'd stop talking to them)

The cost just exceeds the benefit, so there's no way in hell a guy in their right mind would lock himself into that kind of situation..

The wrong way to go about it is remove the benefit.. because then there's all cost, no benefit.. all he has to do is walk away.. and that's exactly what's going to happen..

The right way to go about it is to remove or reduce the "cost".. when you keep that emotional mumbo-jumbo under control, land your fantasy plane down to reality.. and speak his language (logic).. he'll no longer view you as a bait with hooks on it.. no fish wants to bite that.. they may nibble on the bait.. and that's because it tastes good.. but they don't want to deal with any hooks..

No! i'm not telling you to HIDE your hooks.. be honest to him, but above all, to yourself.. Work on any issue(s) you have..

As you start to feel more emotionally stable.. and as he starts to see you that way.. his perceived "cost" of being in a relationship with you is going to fall.. (he wants to be in a relationship with someone where the benefit of being in that relationship is greater than the cost of being in that relationship; and he can reasonably expect things to stay that way in the long-run)

So if you want a relationship with this guy, that's what you have to do..

P.S. Stop being too clingy, it's not cute before a relationship! And right now you're NOT in a relationship with him, so don't be clingy..

Best,

GrkScorp
23-03-08, 09:57 AM
FoxyLaydee

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandalone [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My ex and I went out for a month, but he broke up with me because I think I was being a little clingy and he felt like he had to emotionally support me all the time -.-;. But after a few days, he said he regretted it and that he misses having that connection with me. He really wants to be friends cause I'm still very important to him.

The thing is, after we're friends, he told me he started to think more sexually about me. And we began to talk more about sexual stuff more than we ever did while in a relationship. He said he still has feelings for me too, but can't get into a relationship. Since I am a horny girl and I still love him a lot, I didn't mind being friends with benefits with him.

But I don't get it. Is he lying when he said he has feelings for me? He's a really good guy, so I don't think he's trying to use me. And like in class when he sat next to me, he held my hand, and that just brought me back to the days when we were together. But can you really have feelings for a girl but not willing to get in a relationship with her?

The part that I bold - you didn't mind being FWB with him cause you still love him, that means you're emotionally attached to him, still and he isn't. A guy can compartmentalize, a girl can't. They can have sex without having any feeling for a girl.

You guys dated for a month - that is too short of a time to have real feelings for someone.
23-03-08, 09:58 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's just not that into you.

But won't say no to no-strings sex.

I agree with this. A guy who is crazy about you will want to be in a relationship because he will want you to himself.