How should I deal with him and my situation?
It took me many years to regain my confidence and hope after being sick. I thought that men should be with other women who were perfectly healthy. Nobody knew from my appearance that anything was wrong whatsoever. I was told over the years how great I looked and that I could have any man I wanted…I just never did anything about it for lack of confidence. I'm now in my late 30s and have regained my health. I find myself deeply attracted to someone I have seen around for about 5 years…but I had refused to let him be a part of my life…beyond "Hi/How are you". (I never outright rejected him...I just kept things as acquaintances). We have commuted on the same train day after day (live and work in the same cities). Unfortunately, he has seen me look sad and be unapproachable, yet at times (occasionally in the past, but especially lately) he has seen me as more confident and friendly…able to laugh and be sweet/innocent. I recently approached him in a friendly way and he flirted with me and seemed to enjoy it a lot. At this point, I'm sure he knows I'm interested, but I still don't make a point of sitting with him (I have a few times only)…sometimes I say Hi but I still carry on my way. I know he is not married and has had quite a few "disappointing relationships". He is often quiet and I find that difficult to deal with. He seems to like it when I talk and he smiles like I have made his day. But I would like for him to initiate a conversation or approach me. After successfully flirting with him recently (I told him I had more time to myself now that I did not have to study anymore) … which he repeated (so I know he listened/heard)… I lost the momentum of the situation since he had forgotten a bag and had to rush off. The next time I saw him, he was following behind me (I guess he was watching me walk)... I mentioned that I had not seen him in a while and he just responded "that's 'cause I haven't been around in a while"…then he went and sat further on. (I have to admit I've done this to him). I am not discouraged and I don't want to base everything on this one reaction, because I feel like I now look and feel confident/hopeful and I've seen the smile I have put on his face numerous times. I'm open to meeting other people and I don't want to focus too much on one individual, but I want to follow my heart and not avoid him -- since really he's done nothing wrong -- I'm just not sure how to proceed.
A little more background... He has been friendly, but I think the problem is that I give mixed signals. If I were him I probably would not want to approach me either...since a few times we have been in the middle of a conversation and he has indicated that it is ok for me to stick around and then I basically run off. He just doesn't know I was trying to spare any man the grief of getting too close and going out with a sick girl. Well now I'm actually better (I didn't bank on that happening) and I am full of regrets...one being that I ran away from him and shut him out. I'm sure he thinks I'm the one to be avoided. I just don't know if there's a way to change this situation or is it better to forget about it.
