This is long.
I am at a 5 hour drive distance from my boyfriend of one and a half years; we met online before we met in person. The time that we knew each other before meeting each other was about six months. He was extremely attentive to the point of wanting to know the most minute details of my day, my feelings, my past, etc. We would talk for hours at night, laughing and having serious talks and discussions and what have you. I was thoroughly, deeply explored and never felt so understood in all my life.
I am a bit needy. (it's something that I'm aware of and work on -- but it is also something I take into consideration when it comes to choosing who I want to be with in my life.) His extreme attentiveness for the span of so many months was something that I really loved about him -- and I earnestly believed that it was him being him in a comfortable and natural state. It's not something that I forced on him or guilted him into doing. People should be themselves, and if it works, it works.
When we met each other for the first time -- think what you will of me, and yes, it does influence me -- we made love, and it was my first time. After that, I bonded to him even more, emotionally. My love was as strong as ever. We fit very well together in person; we enjoy the same things -- cooking together, watching movies, spending a day at the park. Throughout our relationship, our meetings have always been a lot of fun and arguement-free.
He would do very considerate things and remember very considerate and odd things -- like an obscure brand of apple juice that we discovered and that I liked. He would have a bottle for me every time after. He compliments me and makes me feel good about myself.
After our first meeting (and despite the pleasant nature of all the meetings that came after it) -- the attentiveness came to a sudden halt. Two hour conversations dwindled down to 30 minutes right before bed -- sometimes skipped a day of calling entirely; he began to stop noticing certain things and he also began to forget things. I do not expect him to be inhuman; the concern that I am expressing here is that it was a very, very distinctive change from a behavior that lasted for an unwavering span of months.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I waited for some time -- thinking perhaps he was just having a hard time at his job (mortgage can be a serious pain) -- thinking maybe he was just tired and needed some space. It did not go back to the way that it was. So I approached the topic tentatively - I described how things used to be and how they were now. I asked him if he could see what I meant, and I asked him if there was anything wrong, I asked him what prompted the change..
He told me that he loved me and loved talking to me and that absolutely nothing was wrong. He said that he just gets tired of the phone itself, not me. I told him that the communication was really important to me in between our meetings. It wasn't an attack. I waited to see how things panned out after that. It was a good talk, I felt.
Once again, nothing changed.
Some weeks later, I addressed it again. This time, he told me that before we met each other in person, he'd been afraid that we weren't going to meet each other and so he'd been behaving in an obsessed, unhealthy manner, worrying all of the time and trying to ensure things. He told me that he would never be that way again, because it wasn't good for him -- because he couldn't do it to himself.
I do not want him to hurt or do things that are unhealthy, and I feel very dirty for this mistrust that's lurking in my gut. We meet every month and have fun and I do whatever he pleases, because I love to please.
I know in my mind that the in-between time is just as important, though, and are two or even one and a half hour conversations really that bad on a nightly basis? Especially when I know that he goes home from work and plays games and watches movies and little else from 5 until midnight. I know the answer: it depends on the person.
If he is being completely honest and it's not disinterest, and he really is just tired of the phone -- and I actually, completely, utterly believed it in my heart and soul and mind -- I would be okay.
But since we are not right in each other's faces and I am separated from the ' happy cloud' of being right there, all the time, I look at things from a great distance. I see that he talked to me a great deal, scored, now does not talk to me as much or pay so much attention during the times of distance, and continues to have those benefits.
Anything can be made to look bad, though.
I am honestly at a loss. I haven't given up, but it weighs on me very heavily, and any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated -- even if you just think I'm being an idiot!
