ADVICE PLEASE...story enclosed
I had such low self-esteem as an adolescent, that a comparison between me now, and me then would seem impossible. I didnt love myself. I would question God - when I believed in God - like, "why did you make me like this? Why am I ugly and why do I have to be gay?"
I remember entering high school. I was 14 years old in the 9th grade. This was a time, indeed, where it seemed as if my luck was changing. I had a bunch of little girlfriends, of course, but straight guys would talk to me as if they accepted me for who I was and I was quite feminine at the age of 14. Even back in elementary school when I was called "faggot" and "sissie," I was quite a stylish individual. I think that being stylish and knowing how to wear clothes and capturing the essence of the clothing through self-perception allowed me to step outside of the mold. Yes, I may have been feminine, but my confidence level and style, provided me with an edge that other boys like me did not possess. And there were quite a few gay guys strolling around my high school at the time but none quite like me.
There was this one guy in particular to whom I secretly fell so deeply in love with. His style, his look, his masculinity and charisma were the things that drew me to him. I can vividly recall my first day of high school in which we had ELP, Economics, Legal and Political Sytem class together. He sat like right behind me and he said something to me and I turned around and I nearly melted as if the sunlight caught me out as a vampire. It was magical, and from then on I believed in love at first sight because undoubtedly I fell in love with him at first sight. He would secretly flirt with me and I did not know this at the time but me and him could have been together just as I had imagined. I would walk past him just so that he would speak to me, and he did and we would engage in many a conversations with each other. If there was any "straight" guy who accepted me for who I was it was him. And as mentioned earlier, as feminine as I was, for him to accept me as I was made me love him more.
And so against all odds we actually became quite close. I think that the relationship we endured was that we probably felt the same way about each other. I would see him talking to girls and become so mad and jealous because in my eyes he was my man, whether he knew or not how deeply in love I was with him.
By the time 10th grade rolled around, my high school was undergoing renovations and therefore we had to temporarily relocate to another school just until renovations were complete. And at this time we had become even closer. We bought each other food and he would bring me weed to school for free and it was just lovely. My only complaint at the time was that I really wanted to be with him but I didnt know how to go about approaching him. I didnt want to mess up what we had so I just kept my silence, because truly I was satisfied for just being acquainted with the man I loved.
I went through a dramatic transition over the summer of 10th grade, to being in the eleventh grade. I had therefore dropped my soft, sweet, feminine persona and traded for a more masculine type of persona. Truly, during this transition, all I could think of was him. Thinking of how much he was going to be proud of me and embrace me. It turned out to be the complete and utter opposite. It back fired on me. In retrospect, I realize now that he loved me for who I was. He did not like the dramatic and abrupt change and if I could go back and change anything that happened in the past it would be that. I would not attemp to change any aspect of myself just to impress someone. That was my downfall, changing my persona, because afterwhich things would never be the same. He started to treat me differently as compared to just one year prior. It seems as if he put a wall up between us. I hated him for that but I was still in love with him. And I'm still in love with him to this very day. One of the most horrible things happened during that school year. I was forced to change schools. And when I changed schools I was left with a negative impression of him. But I never stopped loving him. And I didnt know why he treated me as such at the time but now I know; he pointed me to myself. I have seen him numerous occasions since we left high school and everytime we see eachother we immediately acknowledge eachother's presence. We know what we had. I like to think that maybe there lies a chance that we could be together in the future. He's not as attractive as he was, or as I remember, but just the mere fact that I love him is enough for me to want to be with him.
I just wish there was a way in which I could confess my love to him. My thanks, my gratititude. I want to let him know that he made me into the person I am. That because of him I know who I am and I love the person I discovered in the process. He was the one who made it clear to me that it was okay to be myself. And though the message he taught me was subliminal, one that it took 8 years for me to recognize, the point is I finally recognized. This man is one of my soul mates. I want him to know that he impacted my life like no one else I had ever came into contact with. If it wasnt for my dramatic transition, he would not have treated me badly because of it, and if he would not have treated me ever so badly, I would still be lost. But because these things occured, I was able to find myself and I was able to perceive the hidden messages underlying our relationship, even if it took me nearly 8 years to gain this insight. Lately ive been crying and longing for him, which is weird. What should i do???
