overcome by absolute JOY and TERROR!
OMG!! im SO ExcITed!!!!!!!!!
i seriously dont know how to express myself, there seems no words or actions strong enough to really reflect how im feeling on the inside.
its a CLASH of pure excitement and joy and absolute terror.
you see tomorrow im leaving to fly to canada to see the love of my life for the first time in 2283 days (4 years and a bit). i cannot wait to see him again, laugh with him again, see if he really is taller than me!! and smell that familiar smell and just gaze into his eyes again (he has beautiful eyes). even if things dont go the way i fantasized they do i will still love that i get to SEE him again, it hurts so much not seeing him when i want. its pure agony unlike anything i could ever imagine. im just so HAPPY...i dont know what to say really. i cant beleive i started counting down at 18 weeks and now its tomorrow, its really here. i just cant beleive it!
heres my back story so u understand. i posted this weeks ago.
well my story goes something like this.
six years ago (i was 11) i met the most amazing person i have ever met and i fell in love and he loved me back. it was pretty instantaneous i dont know how but i just knew i loved him and he told me everyday that he adored me through amazing poems and love letters. he can write so well! no 11 year old should be able to write that well!
anyway... we were together for over a year but then we went to different high schools and i dont have a good reason but i ended it. it was the hardest thing ive ever done and i cried for weeks because i was so scared as to whether i did the right thing or not. somehow i convinced myself that it was the right thing and at the time i believed that i had moved on.
in hindsight i can see that he wasnt coping well. he still called me at least once a week, we caught up occasionally, usually with a group of friends as well though.
as time went by i began to struggle with moving on too. ive had one boyfriend and several crushes since but each of them i always compared to him. i didnt realise just how much i really loved him until i had been with someone else who just did not compare.
about a year after we broke up he moved to canada with his family (i live in australia).my heart broke that day, i cried, he cried, my mum cried, it was horrible even though we weren't actually together we were still like best mates.
Thankfully we still kept in contact, (its been almost 5 years since he moved) talking online for hours whenever we could. ive always still had very strong feelings for him but i buried them very deep inside, i tried to ignore them, hoping they would go away - i didnt even tell my best friend in the whole wide world about how i was really feeling because i really wanted to move on. i never knew that while i was going through this, He was too, i fantasized about it but i just thought it would be too good to be true so i never said anything.
i think about a year and a half ago we had a really deep conversation about us. we were flirting and seriously teasing and talking about things like what it would be like if we were still together. he got getting a bit 'teary' and was 'holding on to all those years ago'. then he sent me a song and sed it would explain everything. it did but i didnt realise it until recently because i never actually got to listen to the song until this year! it made me realise that at the time he sent it he was still in love with me, like i was with him!! now that i know this i am in absolute agony because i still love him but i dont know if he does???
ive given up on trying to move on, there is no point, i can't deny my feelings any longer because he is ALWAYS in my thoughts. i've come to the conclusion that the only way i can ever move on is if i hear, straight from him that he will never love me again.
this isn't the sort of thing that i can just ask over the phone/internet because so many things can get misinterpreted so i've decided to fly over to him and tell him how i feel. we've always talked about one of us somehow getting to the other, i've always thought it would be him cos he had help money-wise and more opportunity. but i've beaten him to it. this summer just gone i worked my ass off to pay for a ticket and now in just 4 weeks, 4 days i will see him again!!!!
i am absolutely terrified, this is the scariest thing i know i will ever do but at the same time i am more excited than words can say!! the fact is i am struggling without him and frankly i would love to grow old with him. (he did once say to me that he wanted to marry me - but we were young, very young)
i realise i am risking my whole heart but i know that i will be better for it no matter what the outcome is. i am preparing my self for every outcome, no matter how bad it is i will still be broken hearted but i think i will finally be able to heal for good, so not only is this something i want to do but i NEED to so much.
thankyou for reading it
xox
