I've got to talk about this to someone
Time for me to tell you the story that happened at my office that I referred to in my introduction thread. Ok, as you know or may not know, I'm a medical record clerk in a doctors office. In this story I'm going to refer to one of my female coworkers as X. From when I first started working at the office, X was very friendly with me. She is a very nice person. She was very affectionate towards me. I began to wonder if she had feelings toward me. I found it difficult to believe, but maybe it was possible. I started to have feelings for her as well. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. She has been having difficulties with this boyfriend. She has come close to breaking up with him multiple times. However I did not want make things more difficult for her. Also, I didn't think it would be right of me to take advantage of what is for her, a very difficult situation. Therefore, I didn't tell her how I felt about her and never planned to.
After that, our office manager left and X was promoted and became the new office manager. So now X became my boss. I knew then I could never tell her how I felt about her. But I guess I my emotions are easy to read cause one day (after X had left for the day) one of my other coworkers was able to guess that I had feelings for X. Anyway, I unwisely confessed that it was true. I had everyone promise not to tell her anything, and I thought that was that.
However, things got more complicated. The office began to have problems. People were fighting with each other. Fortunately, I myself wasn't involved in the fighting. X was having alot of difficulty dealing with the problems. One of the reasons was that she was friends with these people awhile before she became the office manager, the other was that she was a rookie office manager. She decided to ask the upper managers for help. They all decided to have a meeting and let everyone try and talk the issues out.
What a meeting it was. There was alot of crying and yelling but some issues were cleared up. Finally, X spoke up. She made it clear that she could no longer be friends with the others and that she could only be their manager. I could see they were very hurt by this. She had been really close friends with some of them. Feeling sorry for them, I tried to argue that maybe some sort of middle ground could be found that she didn't have to stop being their friends. That was a big mistake. One coworker(who had not been her friend) tried to argue the point with me. She said that I wasn't really concerned about the other's friendships with X, but I was really just concerned about my own "friendship" with X and then blurted out the fact that I had feeling for X!
What an embarrassing, humiliating situation. In front of the upper managers, X, and everyone else, my feeling for X had come out. X made it clear that she did not share those feeling. I could tell she was very upset that I had let my feeling come known and had talked about them behind her back. I felt very bad about it as well. I apologized and I promised that I would stop feeling that way about her and never talk to anyone about my feelings for her. What an experience. For the first time in my life, a female found out I had feeling for her and it had to happen like that.
I have tried and am trying my best to get over the situation and forget the way I felt about her. But it is not easy. I feel sad,angry, embarrassed, and guilty all the time. I can't get it out of my head. I feel angry because I feel like my privacy was violated. I feel embarrassed that it happened the way it happened and that I actually thought there was a chance she might have feeling for me. How could I have been that stupid? I feel guilty because I have caused hurt and embarrassment for her. I violated her privacy when I told others about my feelings for her. I embarrassed her in front of upper management. Even though I didn't intend to, I took advantage of the bad situation between her and her boyfriend. What a jerk I am. I also feel heartbroken
I don't know if the feelings I have/had for her were love or not. I know I never felt for any other girl the way I felt about her. She was and is very nice, affectionate and caring. She's a very special person. Very few people could forgive what I did to her and she did. I know I have to get over my feelings. I know she is my boss and only my boss. That is the way it should be. My brain knows this. But my heart doesn't want to accept it. I wish I could go back to the time when we were just coworkers. Not a day goes by since that meeting, that my feelings of embarrassment, guilt and heartbreak don't resurface. It usually ends with me slamming my fist in frustration on a wall or some other hard surface. Its been very difficult on me. It has caused me to realize just how lonely and empty my life is. It has lost me whatever little self confidence I had left and has put me in a funk. I don't know what else to do but try my best to forget how I felt about her and get over it. But I'm afraid its going to be very difficult for me to do.
Thoughts? Comments? Advice?
