break up tears

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28-07-08, 09:45 PM
moonriverlove

break up tears

I am very very sad right now, tears coming down from cheeks. I've dated this guy for 5 months, having great time together. He is not ready for a relationship right now, but he treats me very well. So I decided to give it a try and he also wants to continue date with me and work on it to get things serious. However, we just got break up because of MONEY! I still cant believe our good relationship end up with this.. kinda of long story. sorry!

So, he almost paid all the expense when we hang out in the first 3 months. After that, we kinda of getting a habit to regular dating, meeting once or twice every week. I don't want him to pay everytime and want to make him feel comfortable about our dating, so I offer to pay(Although I am a student, he is a working professional), after that I always paid myself dinner, etc. Everything goes fine then.

However, at this weekend, we drive to a beach 2 hours away, we had good time. I paid for myself lunch, admission pass. The parking fee is 10 dollars, and I didn't pay. After we left the town, we went to Macdonald's, I am in the line behind him waiting to order and pay for myself. After he finished order his, he turned to me ask what do you want? So, I suppose he want to pay, and said Thank you. After that, we drive to the gas station for gas, where he added more 40 dollars gas. When he got back to the car, he looked kinda of unhappy, and said, 40 bulks gas, so expensive nowadays. I didn't say anything and not prepared to pay his gas. After a while of both silence, he is like" Can you help me to share the gas" I was very surprised, but not showing it, saying how much you want? He said 10 dollars, so I gave him without hesitation.

After that, I am kinda of bothered by this thing, and I didn't say any word to him in the whole 2 hour drive. We had a argument when got back. He asked why I am unhappy, I said I am not comfortable with the gas. He said he was not very comfortable too he felt like I take grated to let him pay everything, the parking, the gas, the Macdonald's. He felt shocked that I even didn't offer to share. And felt shocked that the gas thing bothered me so much, no conversation the whole drive.

But I have my reason why bothering me:

1. The gas thing: I am from a different country, although I know it's very common to share gas here, it's just very short distance, 10 bulks, not very long distance. I never experience this before, kinda shocked emotionally.

2. I don't believe in a relationship, couple need to equal everything. It's so common for man to pay a little more than the woman. Besides, we are in a different financial situation, I am a student with little income, however, to make him comfortable, I've tried my best to pay myself dinner, etc, previously. The only thing I didn't pay is just the parking, and Macdonald's, the gas, which total is just 20 bulks! I still can't believe that I didn't pay this small amount bothers him and he actually asked me to share the gas just for 10 bulks!!!

3. In my culture, it's so embarrassing to make everything so clear in terms of money, if I really care someone I wouldn't think so much in terms of money. In the beach, when he is surfering, i took my camera, went far into the water, wanting to take good pics for him. Then the camera got some water inside and cannt work immediately. However, when I told him, he just said Oh no, that's bad. When I asked, is this gonna serious? He just said" I don't know", even didn't show any concern. Although it's my careless, it's because I wanna take good pics for him that the camera got into water, at least he should show some more concern. Furthermore, although I know fix the camera will take certainly quite amount of money, I didn't even think of to ask him to share money!!

He said I even didn't show interest to share bother him, and shocked by I was so upset by the gas. I asked him do he believe couple need to equal everything? He said of course not. I said, but your action shows YES! otherwise, why you care whether I show interest to offer share?? Then he was like: we are not equalize, in the beginning of our dating, he paid everything. And unequal can be happy when he take me out. I was sooo shocked: he even didn't take me out once after we regular dating, then I just didn't pay the parking and the gas, he is so upset.

That's basically the story, kinda of messed up. Is this normal? I still cannt believe we break up because of money. I feel embarrassed, frustrated, and sad.. We had such a good time, and I even think him as my soulmate.. I still kinda wantting him back.. Does this worth try? Thank you.. I need help!
28-07-08, 09:59 PM
shh!

I think the camera is a non-issue. You took your own camera in the water and ruined it - that is not his financial responsibility.

As for the rest of it, I don't really understand what's up with him, and I am inclined to think you are better off letting him go. He sounds like a cheap bastard (either that, or he is about 16 years old). I mean really: gas money?

I am not of the generation of tit-for-tat expenses for dating. Whomever does the inviting should pay in full, and one should never invite someone to do something they can't comfortably afford. The other person should reciprocate in whatever way they feel comfortable and can afford. For example, if he invites you to a movie and dinner, he should pay. You could reciprocate by making him dinner, if that's what you can afford and are comfortable with.

I'd let this one go, and look for someone a bit more mature to date. He sounds like a kid.
28-07-08, 10:03 PM
n2u4reelguy

it's only been 5-months but I know you must feel bad about all this; men are embarassed about not having enough money to treat his lady right; u guys should let this blow over a have a very candid talk about not only who pay for what and when but more inmportantly what are your expectations in this relationship; you guys have seemed to skip that part and you see the problems it's caused; give it time and be open about the money topic; if everything else is good u two should be fine
28-07-08, 10:05 PM
Aegis

I think the biggest problem here is the cultural differences, communication, and the resulting misunderstandings. Or maybe he's just starting fights like these as a precursor to a break-up.

Perhaps don't allow him to pay for anything for you anymore?
28-07-08, 10:16 PM
lesa

I think the cause of the breakup was stated by all three posters above me. He doesn't seem like any man I would want to date. You are a student, plus the person who does the inviting does the paying...or else find free things to do.

If this occurred after 5 months of dating, I would be glad to end this relationship. Are you hoping to marry him and spend your life with him? If no, then cheer up and look on the bright side. This is a time for celebrating :).
28-07-08, 10:42 PM
Kromat

Money is always the main reason why relationships fall apart.
It is sad that he had a problem with you not sharing.
Your still going to school, so he should appreciate to have you in his life and you be can be more equal later.
His loss and your gain to find someone that is deserving.
29-07-08, 12:07 AM
lastwish

I agree with you...that in a relationship, money shouldn't be an issue. If someone wants to give something like a gift, they should offer it freely without expecting anything back. But as for going out...both people should offer to pay equally. If he is so bothered about gas money, he should have asked you...not to stay quiet and then fret about it. This guy is probably struggling financially. If you really like him...the next time you guys go out...tell him "hey honey...if you need some help paying for gas or lunch, whatever, just say so. Don't let these small things get between us. Ok?".

On the other hand, I do find him kind of inconsiderate to expect so much from you when you're a student. Do you work part time?
29-07-08, 01:12 AM
lesa

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastwish [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with you...that in a relationship, money shouldn't be an issue. If someone wants to give something like a gift, they should offer it freely without expecting anything back. But as for going out...both people should offer to pay equally. If he is so bothered about gas money, he should have asked you...not to stay quiet and then fret about it. This guy is probably struggling financially. If you really like him...the next time you guys go out...tell him "hey honey...if you need some help paying for gas or lunch, whatever, just say so. Don't let these small things get between us. Ok?".

On the other hand, I do find him kind of inconsiderate to expect so much from you when you're a student. Do you work part time?

That's a huge flag to me and I would be celebrating the breakup (and of course disappointed). His 'attitude' on the matter tells me he is not someone I would want long term and it's good to see his true colors in 5 months. Think about it....what good will come of this man. It's true that he may have had financial difficulties but he shouldn't put his stresses on her and that is the red flag...not the money but how he reacts and feels about it. He would probably drop her credit score in seconds of marrying. (I am playing a little but he is not a gentleman).
29-07-08, 07:42 AM
moonriverlove

Yes, I work part time with small income. He emailed me today, apologize for the camera and gas. He said he shouldn't have asked me for the gas and that was a mistake. He said our disagreement is minor compared to what we have and continue to have in common. The thing is he will leave for a another town for several months and don't want this to be our last memories and feel hurt about each other.
29-07-08, 09:48 AM
moonriverlove

he also emailed me an email apologizing for not understand my culture. He also explained his financial situation thoroughly, saying although he works full time, he is moving to a time when his budget will be very tight. He will go to help the president champion for several months, which pay is very small, and after that may not having a full time job several month. Then he will go to law school, which means more expense. That's why he wasn't as generous as he could have and should have been to me.

He also said he wasn't noticing how I have paid for my equal share, otherwise he couldn't worried when we are not equal. Also, that day some other factors like traffic etc bothered him which made him less patient and caring when split the bill.

At this point, honestly, I don't really know what should I do. Should I give us another chance ? I feel I like him a lot, whenever thinking about breakup makes me feel so bad.
29-07-08, 09:54 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by moonriverlove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He said he was not very comfortable too he felt like I take grated to let him pay everything, the parking, the gas, the Macdonald's. He felt shocked that I even didn't offer to share. And felt shocked that the gas thing bothered me so much, no conversation the whole drive.

But I have my reason why bothering me:

1. The gas thing: I am from a different country, although I know it's very common to share gas here, it's just very short distance, 10 bulks, not very long distance. I never experience this before, kinda shocked emotionally.

From what I understand it wasn't just the gas, it was also the parking fee and the food. It sounds like it wasn't so much the money, but your attitude about sharing some of the expenses. It sounds like he was concerned about your attitude and felt like you were taking him for a ride a little.

Quote:

Originally Posted by moonriverlove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

2. I don't believe in a relationship, couple need to equal everything. It's so common for man to pay a little more than the woman.

I understand that you are in different financial situations. I guess you should have discussed these differences first hand. Maybe you could have worked something out that would benefit both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by moonriverlove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

3. In my culture, it's so embarrassing to make everything so clear in terms of money, if I really care someone I wouldn't think so much in terms of money.

From what I see here you are making it all about the money as well. If it's embarrasing in your culture to make money such an issue then why are you doing it? If you don't know and want to save any embarrasment just pay for yourself and share any uncertain expenses, don't expect someone else to pay for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by moonriverlove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Although it's my careless, it's because I wanna take good pics for him that the camera got into water, at least he should show some more concern. Furthermore, although I know fix the camera will take certainly quite amount of money, I didn't even think of to ask him to share money!!

It was your carelessness that caused damage to the camera, therefore your duty to fix it. If he crashed the car I don't think he would be asking you to throw in for the repairs.
29-07-08, 10:23 AM
shh!

Well, you said he's not ready for a relationship right now, and that you have been having a great time with him to this point. Since he apologized for his boorish behavior and decided to come clean about his financial issues, I don't see any reason you shouldn't continue to date him if you are enjoying his company. It's your choice at this point, now that he layed all his cards on the table.
29-07-08, 12:01 PM
lesa

I agree with shh! It's up to you to decide whether to continue to enjoy dating him. He explained his situation so it's up to you on whether you want and can deal with them.
31-07-08, 01:15 AM
Citycat

I couldn't agree more with Mishanya!
31-07-08, 02:25 AM
lastwish

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's a huge flag to me and I would be celebrating the breakup (and of course disappointed). His 'attitude' on the matter tells me he is not someone I would want long term and it's good to see his true colors in 5 months. Think about it....what good will come of this man. It's true that he may have had financial difficulties but he shouldn't put his stresses on her and that is the red flag...not the money but how he reacts and feels about it. He would probably drop her credit score in seconds of marrying. (I am playing a little but he is not a gentleman).

I think its all about compatibility. If a girl prefer that everything is equal...including financial matters...then there's no problem. But like you lesa, I wouldn't think a relationship has long term potential if a guy is that stingy. If he has huge financial problem...I would let it slide but other than that...he should be generous with his girl.

Not being generous is a negative quality in a guy. But if he has other things to make up for it then I would personally reconsider. But this guy seems like he has communication problems as well since he didn't discuss it with you beforehand and instead was mad at you.