I need to take a decision

Hi there!

This is my very first post in the forum. I'm here because I feel that I'm currently living a very important phase of my life, emotionally speaking.

I'm 29 years old and not a man of many women. To tell the truth, I can count the girlfriends I've had in my entire life with my left hand. And only two of them were important.

I've met Hera when I was 19 and she was the first woman I made love with. I felt different from the first instant we looked at each other. A couple years later we started living together and stayed like that for 7 years more. Our relation was always based on trust and common goals. I always admired her intelligence and we wanted to build a family. That never happened, though. We crashed a lot, with very emotional discussions and sometimes even physical contact. I never wanted to bring children to the world in such an environment, like it happened to me when I was a child.

Two years ago I went into a severe depression and Hera never gave me the support I needed. When I came out of it, I've met another woman, Freya. We've met in the most beautiful way and felt in love even before we saw each other. When we physically met, I knew that I couldn't continue my relation with Hera and so, we separated.

Me and Freya started living together in a difficult situation for her, because she had to abandon significant things in her life. That was the best option for us to start and we both agreed with it. We soon started to have some problems, mainly because she never got out of her way to make me happy, while I was constantly doing it for her. When the way to my happiness was also her way, everything was good; when not, she never moved a single inch.

I always considered that for a relationship to work, both elements of the couple need to have some degree of flexibility. People are different, they have different tastes and different needs. When you're sharing your life with someone, you cannot simply freeze when things don't run the way you like, because that's just unfair. But Hera was never flexible and so, I invested a lot of tolerance in the relationship and things started to get better.

She always managed to let my know, although not directly, that she never felt happy with the things she left behind. That is, she made concessions but never made them with conviction, and for me that wasn't a good sign. So, I decided to give her another change: a few months ago, I abandon my life and gave her old life back to her.

I abandoned the work I always enjoyed, my place, some of my family (I never had much family...) and moved on. With conviction, because when I make important decisions I invest all my energy in them. Freya got everything back into her life and I noticed that she became a more happier person.

But she continued to be inflexible, even got a bit worst. She also made some things that hurt the trust I had in her. A couple times, I saw a cold woman that didn't have any consideration for me, even knowing that I was in the most fragile situation of my life.

We talked about it, like we always did, and Freya promised that she would be more considerate, that she would start thinking more about me. But in my mind, I started to form the idea that perhaps she was like she was, not because she left things behind, but because she's simply egocentric. What other reason can explain it, if she even got worst when she got her life back?

I started to feel sadder and sadder. In the last couple weeks, I noticed that she's making some effort, but in an artificial way. It's not something that comes from her heart, she's just acting like that because she knows that the situation is serious. I feel that we're getting apart.

At the same time, I started to think more about Hera. I still have contact with her, from time to time. In my mind, I know that we clashed a lot, and that she didn't help me when I needed most. But she never did anything that hurt my trust in her and she always thought about me, not just about her. She made concessions, the same way I did, and we always lived with them, without regretting.

So, this is the state of my life. I know that I'm in a very important crossroad and that decisions need to be taken. Here I am, in an effort to get a better insight into my situation, an external look. That's what I ask from you, promising that I will do the same to others.

Sorry for the long text, but I can't express my story in fewer words! Thank you very much for reading and thank you in advance for all the comments.

Why not just shuffle the deck of life and...well, pursue someone new, someone fresh. A new person will perhaps encourage you to have a new frame of mind

I know, I've been thinking about that. But the problem is that I cannot find anyone minimally appealing... I feel physical attraction, for example, but I never feel that "thing". That feeling that makes you like floating, that tells you that the other is someone that stands out.

You need someone new. The current girl isn't suitable for you.

You say you can't find anyone, but what is it you have been doing to make this happen?

It's everything so complicated... Women like the ones I had don't come into your life everyday... Hey, in mine that only happened twice!

So, I'm afraid. I invested so much dedication, so many personal changes and efforts in this relationship, that it scares me to abandon everything and start again. Sometimes I think: if only I had given just a little of what I gave to my current relationship, to the relationship I had with Hera, is it possible that things could have worked better? If only I was more present, more gentle, more helpful, could things worked better?

I'm also dislocated from my "world". I have a new life in the last couple months and the idea of being alone, even more alone than I was in the past, gives me the creeps. What if my mind "fails" again, and I get into another depression?

But something needs to happen, because I don't feel right. And I know that no one can live like this for a long time. Because you're mind starts to play you tricks...