Memories hurt more than death sometimes...

Have you ever looked back at a point in your life where you were happier than you are now ? It hurts doesn't it ? Well I felt the worst pain I have ever felt in my life this weekend.

I was just sitting outside thinking, as usual, and was thinking, as usual yet again, and I started to replay my past in my head. Bad thing to do, I know, but I just started to think about all the good moments I ever had in my life. I came across a lot more than I thought I had which made me smile. I have lived a pretty happy life, despite all the bad things and hard times I have gone thru.

Then I came across the memory that will never leave me. It has got to be the happiest moment I have ever experienced. It was a moment with more love and happiness than I have ever seen in my entire life.

I was watching tv with my ex, Destine, and then I had to go to the restroom. So I went upstairs and did my thing, and when I came out I walked up to my son's crib. This was late at night, prolly 2 am or somethin, and I just stood there smiling and staring at him. I watched him sleep for maybe 15 minutes. He looked so peaceful. He was, and still is, so perfect. He was the sum of two of the strogest loves I've ever known. Then I turned to go back downstairs and I saw Destine standing at the top stair watching me watch my son. She had tears flowing down her face, yet was not crying. I dont think I had ever seen her so happy. Those big beautiful blue eyes with that cute little smile. She stood there with one arm on the wall and she was resting her head on that arm, wtih one leg crossed over the other. I motioned my hand for her to come over to the crib with me. I then wrapped my arms around her while she stood in front of me with her head now resting on my right arm. We both just stood there, in silence, holding each other, watching our son sleep. We were standing there and time just stopped. Nothing else in the whole world mattered. This right here is the happiness that I had been waiting for for my entire life. The happiness that could make me cry. The happiness thats once its reached could hurt you more than anything known to man kind if lost.

Not 2 weeks later she left me and our son. But this memory in my mind will stay there for all enternity. And everytime I replay it, it hurts me more and more. For that was the perfect family. My son had the perfect family and that bitch had to screw up his life. She has given my son a broken home to grow up in. No woman can ever replace Destine to my son. She is his only mother. She will always be his only mother. And she left.

I know what its like growing up with out a mother. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. And I saw my mom maybe once or twice a year until I started driving at 16. I fear my son will grow up with a mother like this. I fear alot of things. But no one knows. I keep them all bottled up inside, where they are safe from tampering. I release the pressure when it becomes to great for me to handle - this is why I started this thread. This is a place that I am dedicating to everyone to be able to vent the pressure of all the bottled up feelings they have inside when they feel like they cant take it any longer.

Maybe one day I will be able to vent all the pressure and begin to start over with new feelings... But these good memories I want to hold on to for as long as I can. And when I vent out the bad, the good goes with it.

Thank you all for listi=ening to me babble on about my feelings. And please, if you dont have anything nice or positive to say to me (dont poke fun at me in other words) then dont say anything at all. I hardly ever have a place where I can let out whats inside where I can trust everyone to not make fun of me. Dont take this place away from me.