Need an Objective Opinion
Hello all. I'm hoping that someone can give me some insight into a challenge I'm facing, or perhaps advice based on experience.
I'm a very successful 26 year old female. I own my own home, I own my car, I have a post-secondary education from a highly accredited university and I'm a manager at a top oil and gas company. In mid-June of this year I met a guy online who is nearly 4 years younger than me, but wise beyond his years. Our relationship has moved very quickly but it has felt completely natural. We've said the "L" word, discussed our views on moving in together, marriage, children, etc. We've been planning our future. Here's the challenge:
Shortly after we made a commitment to be exclusive with each other, I discovered through a close friend that he was still frequenting the online dating site in which we met. I confronted him about it and while he admitted to it, he claimed that he was just bored one day and wasn't planning on pursuing any other relationship. He deleted his profile and I forgave him (although initially he was upset thinking that I had set up him and attempted to turn the situation around and blame me). For a few days he became very distant. When I approached him about it, he said he felt the spark was gone because of this issue and needed time to get it back. After a week or so, things were back to normal and we moved on.
Or, I thought I had moved on. On Tuesday of this week he spent the night at my house (which is common - he sleeps here 2 to 3 nights a week). In the morning while he was in the shower and I was making the bed, I picked up his iPhone. I was going to search for his alarm clock and leave an alarm for his 9:30am break with a nice message, but I came upon his text message history. I honestly don't know what compelled me to do that, as I've always been very respectful of other people's privacy, but in it was a series of messages from the previous day between him and a girl that I had never heard him mention before. The messages started out with her saying, "Hey babe" and him responding with "Hi beautiful". He then went on to comment on how drunk she was the night before and asked her how long it took her to fall asleep after they had hung up the phone with each other.
Seeing this, I immediately stomped into the bathroom with the phone in my hand, pulled back the shower curtain, confronted him with the phone and asked him to leave. He didn't say anything. He just left. On the way to work I sent him a text message and asked him how he could've done such a thing to me. He said that this girl was a friend from back home (he moved here 3 years ago) who he has never been anything more than friends with and that he could prove it. He said she was well aware of his relationship with me and that "hey babe" and "hi beautiful" are just ways that he and his female friends speak to each other. He then got upset that I had invaded his privacy (fair enough) and noted that I obviously had no trust in him.
Throughout the day we sent text messages back and forth. At first, his messages begged me not to leave him, claimed he had done nothing wrong and explained that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Towards the end of the day, the messages took on a more righteous tone. He told me that I needed to take time out to decide whether or not I trusted him because he couldn't be with someone who doesn't (again, fair enough). He demanded an apology for invading his privacy, which I did numerous times. All the while, never acknolwleding the fact that I was extremely upset by the way he and this girl were referring to one another. He continued to claim that this is just how he speaks to his friends and did not apologize. I offered to meet up with him to talk about it after work, at which time he said he didn't think he wanted to see me right now.
The next day we texted in the evening. I apologized again. He said he would stop referring to his female friends by using pet names. We said I miss you, I love you and agreed to move forward.
It's now Saturday and I've been the one to contact him. He no longer texts me to say good morning at 6:30 am like he always does, and he hasn't sent texts saying goodnight at 10:00 pm like he always does. He hasn't referred to me as babe, baby, sweetie, beautiful or any of the things he usually calls me. His messages are short and to the point. They're formal. It seems to me like he's pulling away once again.
The biggest part of me wants my boyfriend back. The one that makes me laugh, holds me all night, tells me how much he loves me and who I feel completely comfortable with when we just sit on the couch for hours in silence reading books.
The rational part of me is angry. I apologized. He said he forgave me, but I'm still being punished (nevermind that he has never admitted to his own wrong doing). I want someone who can weather the storm. Who understands that relationships aren't always rainbows and sunshine. Who realizes that I'm an imperfect human who makes mistakes and will love me anyway. Who can handle conflict instead of bailing out at the first sign of trouble.
I think I already know what the answer to this problem is, but maybe I need to hear it from objective people: is this over? Should I keep trying? I feel like he's making a mountain out of a mole hill and that the whole situation has been manupulated and turned around to make me the bad guy (although I fully admit that going through his phone was wrong). I also feel like he's holding this huge grudge against me when I've always been forgiving of him. What would you do?
Thanks in advance and sorry for writing a novel!!
A.
