So, i fell in love with my friend.
Kind of long post here - and also, excuse my semi-bad english.
Ive known this girl - lets call her Lisa - for a little under 5 years. We went to school together a few years back, and really became good friends. Lisa has had a boyfriend all the time up until two weeks ago, and I´ve had 2 different girlfriends in those 5 years (I´m single now.).
In the past 6 months we`ve really become a lot closer, and I consider her one of my best friends. We have been hanging out a lot, often travelling long distances just to meet (she studies in a city a few hours from mine). Slowly, I have realized that I am falling in love with her. I think I could write until my keyboard stopped working about how wonderful I think she is, but ill save it for now;) The problem is, I am very unsecure about how to break this to her (or if I should tell her at all.). Also, I´m not sure how she feels about me. I know I am never going to be able to tell her how I feel, unless I know that she has some sort of feelings for me too.
About 3 months ago, Lisa started telling me she was having trouble with her boyfriend. He had started studying in another city, and they didn`t talk much. She told me she felt like they both had changed a lot during the 5 years they been together.
About 2 months ago, we were at a birthday party in another city. It lasted till late, so we slept over at a mutual friends house. We both got our own rooms, but Lisa stayed in my room, and we stayed up just talking until 8 am. We got a few hours of sleep, but even though she had her own room, she slept in "my" bed. It was nothing sexual at all.
A little over a month ago, we were at another party in another city. It was also very late, and we stayed at a friend of Lisa´s. The friend did not have the biggest apartment, so we got a room together with a big bed. This night we also stayed up talking until late. She was often saying how she was cold (the room was not heated but we had thick and warm sheets). I got the feeling that she wanted me to hold her, but at that time she was still in a relationship with her boyfriend. I didn`t ask her if she wanted me hold her, since I felt it would be kind of inappropriate. (I _really_ wanted to, though).
So, about two weeks ago she broke up with her boyfriend. She was calling and texting me everyday before the breakup, telling me about the situation. I think she found a lot of comfort in telling all about it to someone. The day after the breakup she called me and wanted me to come to her place. Nothing happened, we just talked some more and sat close while watching a movie. To be very honest, I was very disappointed after that day, since I was hoping badly that she would give me some kind of sign that she had feelings for me. Now, I realize it was really good that nothing happened that day - seeing how that would kind of make me the instant rebound guy.
I´m meeting her this weekend. We`ve been a lot on the phone, every day, sometimes two or three hours in a row. Now I´m not an especially shy person, but when it comes to tell a girl about my feelings I am very shy. It´s taken a lot for me to get to the point where I can say "I miss you too" when we are talking on the phone.
We are going to a party on saturday, and she said that she wanted me to come with her to her city on sunday. I am so incredibly nervous about what will happen. Again, I know that I won`t be making the first move.
So my question is:
What expectations should I have?
Do you think she only sees me as a friend?
Is there any way I can "test the waters" to find out a little more about how she feels, without letting her know any of my feelings?
I know its still early.
What I´m writing here may seem kind of "cold" and superficial. I think thats kind of my defense mechanism. I´ve never been in love like this before. Thinking too much about how I feel about her, gets me to the point where I can`t think of anything else and I almost start crying (however stupid that must sound ). I am not usually a very emotional person.
If I found out she doesnt have feelings for me, it would break my heart, but I would be OK eventually. But never finding out how she feels, and always thinking about how wonderful things COULD have been, would be _alot_ worse.
We are both 20 years old.
Thanks.
