Running out of time, need some advice.
Hi
This is my first post here and is potentially a long one.
I live in a unique situation which makes long term and serious relationships hard. I work on a cruiseship and every 6 months take a break and then go to a new ship. I met a girl after I had been on this ship for 2 months. From the moment I saw her I knew we would hit it off and she is absolutely everything I look for in a woman. We immediately became friends and spent the first couple of weeks hanging out together, mostly after work in the bar, just getting to know each other. Very quickly I was wanting to see her every moment I could. I resisted however until about 3 weeks in I just had to tell her how beautiful I thought she was. It was late in the bar and we were the only 2 people left, we were very cosy on a couch and it just felt right. She was receptive and eventually I walked her home. When we got to her room she invited me in. We sat and talk some more and she told me she had a boyfriend. This was not new news to me and I told her that I understood and although I think she is amazing I would be happy to be her friend, then she kissed me, not just a kiss on the cheek, but a full on passionate kiss that lasted a long time. Then we started fooling around, not much but more of a caressing and exploring than anything overly sexual. Before I knew it,we had fallen asleep together as close as possible, legs intertwined. It was the best sleep I have ever had and the only time I have ever been able to sleep with someone in my arms. Even after many relationships, I have never been able to get past that and have always had to sleep in my own space. The next morning we slept through her alarm. When she finally did wake I had been awake for about 10 mins, just looking at her, still holding her. She rolled in towards me and looked into my eyes, it was a look of contentment and happiness. I kissed her again and then she looked at her clock and she was late for work. She jumped out of bed and I lay there, watching her change and I laughed to myself, she was cute when she was flustered. She ran out and said she would call me in the evening.
Later in the night she did call and she was really unwell, I went over and comforted her until I had to go to work. The next day I called her and went to her room to hang out, she was lying in bed watching tv and we just sat and talked, about nothing, I wanted to tell her how happy I was the morning before but it didn't seem right, I got a vibe off her, a backing away vibe. A couple of days passed and I still hadn't talked to her properly and I felt like the closeness we shared was slipping away very fast, so I spoke to her. I asked her what was up and what the other night meant to her. She told me she likes me, really likes me, but feels she betrayed her boyfriend by kissing me and falling asleep together. She says she doesn't know if they are even 'on' and has been having doubts about him, and that she knows he is not the man she is going to marry. I told her I respected her feelings and what she has going on, and that I would be happy being her friend and nothing more, but I also told her again how amazing I think she is and that it would be hard for me to not think about her in that way.
Over the following few days she stopped calling me, when we were in the bar she would avoid me and I know this is because she has turned me down, she feels bad for that and doesn't want to deal with however I may act around her. Against my better judgment other people start to tell me I should forget it, that she uses people, that she is no good etc etc. I decided a long time ago that I would like who I want for only my own reasons and not let others opinions affect what I thought. On this occasion though I started to get sucked in by the hype and it made me angry, really angry, it almost got to a point where I laughed inside myself at her when she was sitting at the bar by herself. Soon though I realised I was being a prick, a really big prick and the only thing I know and care about is what I know about her, what has happened and was has been said between us. By this point she was getting rather upset at my avoidance of her, although she had not called. I was no longer angry but I wanted her to make the move, I wanted her to re initiate the friendship. She stopped one of my friends in the hall and asked if he knew why I had been avoiding her, he tells her he thinks it's because we had agreed to be friends but I felt like she hadn't made much of an effort. He was right and wrong, I had been avoiding her, but I think for similar reasons to her avoiding me in the first couple of days, I didn't want to deal with her.
She made the contact by calling and casually asking me to the bar. She knew it was all she needed to do, she didn't need to talk anything over or ask whats been going on. She knew that's all I wanted from her. We went to the bar and had a great time, a friendly time and that was fine. Another week or so passed and we had a more meaningful conversation, she told me she missed what we had before she kissed me, missed the excitement and flirtation. I told her I missed it too and have been thinking about her for a long time. Yet another week passes, we talk occasionally on the phone, at work, exchange pleasantries at the bar around our friends, but sit on opposite sides of the table. It's one of things I love about this girl, I seem to be able to look at her and know what she is thinking. All night I knew she had something on her mind and she was not going to get up and go to bed until she had talked to me. I knew this and yet I kept my ground, I hung out with some of my friends who she doesn't know too well. Eventually people drift out and it's me, her and 3 other friends left. I get up to say goodnight to everyone and leave her till last. When I say good night she says she would have killed me if I left the bar without coming over to her. We start talking and talking, and talking, about everything, except us. She tells me about a book she just finished reading and says she will give it to me to read. She says she wants me to look out for a couple of paragraphs she highlighted and says she will give it to me in the morning. She also tells me she has broken up with the greek guy and that what she thought was true, he wasn't worth it and a $500 phone bill later she said she came to her senses. We hug and kiss on the cheeks, like friends do and I head to bed.
The next morning she gives me the book. I was totally into the book, she knew I would be, it deals with a lot of shit I had told her about my family, a lot to do with drug abuse and dealing with personal struggles, finding the strength within to keep going and make your life better. I read it from cover to cover in 24 hrs, I barely slept, I didn't want to. The paragraphs she had highlighted were some of the most beautiful things I have ever read and summerised basically said 'the world stops when I see you, the most beautiful thing etc etc, when your not there, the world seems dull, livable but not like it is when you're there. I stare because I want the world to stop'. It brought me to tears, it made me frustrated, elated, depressed. I didn't know what to feel by reading it. This brings me to today. When i returned the book I left a small note inside thanking her for giving me something which helped me in so many ways. I had knocked on the door and she answered looking more beautiful than ever, although she apologizes for looking like shit as she is sick again. She can't look bad, not even when she has had her head in the toilet bowl spewing up. I wanted to stay and talk and make her feel better, but I couldn't, I had to go to work. I thanked her and left.
The reason I write all this shit out is so I can see it better, for me. I would appreciate people's opinions but it is not necessary. But what is driving me crazy, is me! I know that she likes me, I know that she would be happy, I know that I would be beyond happy, she is single, I'm single and I know that what she needs is time. Unfortunately time is what we don't have. I leave in 2 months and if I don't make something happen from this then I may never see this girl again. We live on opposite sides of the globe, yet our lives are so similar its amazing. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I should just keep being her friend and see if it leads to anything, or if I should tell her again that the feelings haven't gone away, if anything they are stronger now, much much stronger. I know she is thinking about it, she tells me she is driving herself crazy, sitting in her room all day (we have a cushy job, allowing us to sit and think, on our own for a long time) running everything about her life through her head, about all the decisions she has made and needs to make. I tell her I am doing the exact same thing, which I am, I'm not sleeping, I'm depressed and frustrated that we both know whats there but both of us are too weak in our minds to talk to one another. I'm afraid of being rejected again, I'm afraid it's not how it seems and I really don't want to ruin anything by being 'that creepy guy who wont leave a girl alone'. Despite her having tried to make a ship relationship work and it failing for her, I know it can work, I have seen it, people end up aligning their contracts and traveling and working together, being apart for only a couple of months at a time. She has already told me she wants to be on the next ship I am on.
Basically I need to know, do I make a move and hope for the best, or leave it be and hope for the best. If I left here though without her knowing it would tear me apart, and if she isn't able to come to the next ship it would almost certainly mean the end of any close, meaningful friendship.
Sorry for the length of the post, thanks,
W
