The more I heal and grow, the more I know that my love for her was true...
Allow me to preface this post with some history i.e., how I screwed things up in the past with my ex-girlfriend. Also, I apologize for it being long, but there's no other way for me to do this. My heart is on the line here, and I could really use some direction -- I thank you in advance.
We dated for two years, about 1.5 of which were spent living together. This included moving to a new state together. Over the course of the relationship I became rather self-destructive. In retrospect, it is clear that I had many of my own issues that I needed to overcome: low self-esteem, jealousy, feelings of resentment, etc. Instead of communicating these issues with her during our relationship, I began to internalize them and shield myself from her which resulted in the feeling that we were not on the same team, and I often blamed her for my own insecurities. Even a few months after we broke up, we started seeing each other again briefly and I got scared and pushed her away -- and I hurt her a lot that time.
We've been broken up for close to a year now, and I've made tremendous personal progress in my aforementioned "issues". The more I heal, the more I realize that I truly love her...
So, last week when I was on a job interview in NYC (where she works) I gave her a call and we had dinner. After that dinner, I left with the overwhelming realization that I love her. I was hurt, I was scared, I had no clue what to do. I spent the next several days painfully pondering what to do, and gathering as much advice as I could from those around me. I then realized I had a decision to make, and here is what it is:
I love her, and it's as true as I've ever felt. I realized it was time to be a man, and stop hiding from how I feel... Stop running from the pain that so often comes along with love. I decided I needed to tell her this.
Much to my delight, she accepted when I told her I wanted to take her out on Friday night in the city again. I met with her after work, and took her to a fantastic Italian restaurant. Just after our entrees, I took her hand in mine and I told her that I miss her, I miss our dogs (which she kept), I also threw a couple funnier things I miss about her like her PB&J sandwiches and our terrible kissing chemistry (we always laughed about it), just for some brevity. I told her that I still love her, and that I want to be a part of each others' lives...
VERY much to my surprise, and pleasure, she immediately responded with her own feelings on the matter. She told me she loves me, and that she would love for us to be friends but that right now dating is off of the table. One reason is that she is seeing somebody right now (which she later admitted to not being very serious, though it is exclusive), the other reason is that she's seen me go through "ups and downs" before and if we were ever to get back together she would first need to see that I've changed over a longer-term.
This then lead into a fantastic, roughly 2 hour long conversation about our past, about how we've changed, and also much reminiscing about what we miss about each other and the things that made our relationship special.
The dinner lead us back downtown where she insisted on taking me to a bar in Chelsea that reminded her of Pittsburgh, PA (where we are from, and both want to move back to one day). We spent the rest of the night having drinks with a few friends, and I experienced an openness and freedom with her that I don't remember the last time feeling... I often caught her looking at me, at which point I would lock eyes with her. She let her guard down and frequently was finding reasons to touch me... Occasionally when I put my arm around her she'd even allow herself to fall into me and nestle into my chest for a brief moment.
I ended up taking the train back to her place because I had drank just slightly too much to drive home. She lives in a studio, and currently her disabled friend is living with her and sleeping in the same bed. I fully expected to sleep on the couch while she crawled into bed with her friend, but much to my surprise when I laid down, she laid next to me.
As she laid there I just looked at her... We locked eyes once, and we said nothing. It remained platonic. We did not cuddle, but I did stroke her hair until she fell asleep...
All in all, it ended up being a better night than I could have ever expected it to have become. Yet I'm still left with feelings of fear, feelings of emptiness... I've now put the ball in her court, and I can't help but feel afraid.
I know that being TOO close to her would be too painful for me right now. After all, she IS dating somebody else and that hurts me (even though I know it is ok). I am left with the confusion over how to handle myself from here on out. I want to give her the space to explore her own relationship, but at the same time continue to show her my love, and that I want her back one day. I think it's important right now to leave her alone a bit... allow her to ponder the night we had, and to reach out to me when she's ready.
From those of you that read this -- I thank you, and I would very much admire your advice, opinion, and interpretation of what I am going through. I would also like your advice on how I should handle myself moving forward. Right now I am considering not calling, texting, or emailing, but sending some flowers to her next week for Christmas.
I've been a fool for a long time... I've been childish with my emotions... I still have much progress to make on my own, but everything I've written here is real. I love her with all of my heart, we have very similar goals in life, and I one day want to be in her graces again. Please... offer some encouragement and assistance.
