Am i the worlds biggest love rat....this is genuine i think i need help please advice
First off i would like to say. You probably well definitely will think im the biggest F***** B*****D going and i deserve it. I am posting in here though to for once be honest, no one knows who i am, saying what i am saying wont hurt anyone here but i'll be honest for once and that might help me...i will be able to listen to peoples true thoughts.....i would like to start and say i think that maybe i'm incapable of loving completely and guilt seems to be an emotion that has long gone. When i was 17 years old i was with an older lady (21), I felt content happy and loved her..she was not my type (fuller figure) and i like slim girls but for some reason i never looked elsewhere and was totally into her it felt like love. Then ends of the story was I was shattered by her totally, Lie after Lie, cheating after cheating. Even when i had conclusive proof and found things out would still look into my eyes and deny it all, never admit to it. This is the one single event I can only see as perhaps leading me to the way i am, i do not want to use this as an excuse though, i think i might need a professional to help me to the root of my problems but this is the only thing i can think of that affected me.
Since then i have cheated on almost every partner bar a couple and it seems i have never felt that love or happyness since no matter what i have done. Now i will tell you the story of my latest failed relationship, my behaviour has conclusively gotten worse... a summary of it would be
I meet girl, she ends up loving me we have problems at start to do with ex's and that but get over it....then she totally loves me.....do i love her ??? im unsure if i love anymore i really am that messed up....
I Fing**** her sister and stuff behind her back when she was asleep and sister was in the living room sofa staying over.... her friend from another city stayed over one time.... my gf got drunk and got ill.....i sha**** her friend in the kitchen and had oral off her friend while she was passed out....then wnt into bedroom n hugged n nice like nufin ever happened......I sha**** another of her friends in the back of my car......I met up with another one of her friends n hugged.....I met 2 girls i knew in ma car throughout the year we was together doing various things...she found video on my phone......I slept with several other ppl without her knowing.....i had intimiate conversayion with my ex by email over the course of our whole relationship.... nytime she found things out or pplsaid things i would deny it all, i would never admit to it. I think i cheated on her with about 10 people in the end......I am still trying to get back with her, we didnt split up purely because of cheating cause she never conclusively new for 100% i done anything and didnt want to believe the worst as if u love sum1 u want to believe anything more than what u pretty much know whats happened.....
i have the common issues of trust and control....i dont like her having boys numbers or in contact with boys i think might be a risk...dont trust her or what she might be doing....like to know where she is most the time.....
all the girls or even men reading this u might think what a Scumbag....and yes your right....... however.....I hate being this way, i dont want to be this way, I want to be able to completely Love, I want to be happy......i am a single parent of a young boy and wish more than anything to provide him with a step mum and a bro or sis and a family environment......i want to be happy with 1 person i want to fee the love were i only have eyes from them......the way im living is no fun, it does not make me happy... yet i dont know how to change it......... i really feel there is more to it than im a cheat and cant have 1 person...... this has been the way and getting worse for best part of 6 years.......... i want to be in love i want a family....i dont want to feel alone anymore.....although any1 reading this will think im such a ***** please sum1 any advice....i am really thinking of councilling or something any suggestions ?? Im at a stage where as I dont know if im lying to myself if i love if i dont love nothing....i need sum1 to tell me whats going on..... plz help
thankyou.....