Am i a monster?

Today i basically told my girlfriend i wanted to step back, take time and look at our relationship and everything else in life, in perspective. She was crying, i was crying, i just cant shake the feeling that the relationship was on the train downhill, and ive stayed on board with relationships like this before and its ended worse up down the road and ended nasty. Basically i feel like a f*#&ing monster seeing her cry over, what feels like, my selfishness. Problem is she just wont talk to me if something bothers her, she doesnt want to argue or anything, not that it would turn into that but she wont bring up anything thats bothering her period, and then it all boils over, she wants to fix it and i feel like a bastard coz im not sure if i do? any advice? am i selfish?

u think u are? any regrets ?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sunwontshine [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Today i basically told my girlfriend i wanted to step back, take time and look at our relationship and everything else in life, in perspective. She was crying, i was crying, i just cant shake the feeling that the relationship was on the train downhill, and ive stayed on board with relationships like this before and its ended worse up down the road and ended nasty. Basically i feel like a f*#&ing monster seeing her cry over, what feels like, my selfishness. Problem is she just wont talk to me if something bothers her, she doesnt want to argue or anything, not that it would turn into that but she wont bring up anything thats bothering her period, and then it all boils over, she wants to fix it and i feel like a bastard coz im not sure if i do? any advice? am i selfish?

---

No, you are not being selfish... this is a serious concern you have... she's not sharing her feelings or letting you know what's going on. Things like this tend to fester and turn into bigger problems later on... one of which being a trust issue (i.e. why won't she share this with me? Why won't she tell me what's wrong?).

Tell her this isn't necessarily a bad thing. You and her both need to talk over some problems that you have noticed... and encourage her to include any problems she has noticed. The discussion should be unbiased and meant for understanding. Let her know that any healthy relationship will have disagreements that need to be sorted out and occasionally you will just need to touch base with each other ever so often.

If you do not want to help fix these problems then perhaps you are feeling resentful because she holds all of this in and waits until the problems have become much worse later on. It is not your job alone to fix any problems you two may have. It is up to BOTH of you to help in the problem-solving department.

Try talking it out and encouraging her to share what's on her mind much earlier with you.

I'm not sure if I understand your problem (you were pretty vague), but I think a lot of guys would be happy to not have an argumentative girlfriend.

No matter though; if you aren't happy with the way this relationship is going, you have every right to break it off.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not sure if I understand your problem (you were pretty vague), but I think a lot of guys would be happy to not have an argumentative girlfriend.

No matter though; if you aren't happy with the way this relationship is going, you have every right to break it off.

---

I don't think he wants a girl that loves to argue. I think his issue is that his gf won't communicate when something is bothering her and so it all builds up until she can hold it in any longer and it becomes a much bigger problem than it should have been. And that is a legitimate cause for concern.

Lack of communication would be a problem for me as well. If you cant tell me whats wrong with you and how you feel about something(especially about me), I begin to worry. I would think you arent truly into me and that you dont trust me because you hide things from me. If you do want to work things out, you should tell her that her lack of communicating when something is wrong with her is going to be a very big problem if the relationship continues...if not, then I personally understand why. It's hard to stay in a relationship with someone who wont even be honest and upfront about their feelings.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think he wants a girl that loves to argue. I think his issue is that his gf won't communicate when something is bothering her and so it all builds up until she can hold it in any longer and it becomes a much bigger problem than it should have been. And that is a legitimate cause for concern.

---

Meh, I got the impression she is simply mousy and passive. As I said, it all sounds too vague to know for sure.

Dont think like this please... this is all part of life and life still moves on.. try to find a new friend for yourself.. one relationship didnt work out.. does not mean that none wil work out.. wish you good luck for your future.

Hey, if it's not working, it's not working. It's not selfish to break up with someone if you're having alot of doubts and don't feel it's worth trying to work on. In fact, she probably won't see it this way, but the sooner you cut her loose, the sooner she can go out and heal and find a new relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sunwontshine [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Today i basically told my girlfriend i wanted to step back, take time and look at our relationship and everything else in life, in perspective. She was crying, i was crying, i just cant shake the feeling that the relationship was on the train downhill, and ive stayed on board with relationships like this before and its ended worse up down the road and ended nasty. Basically i feel like a f*#&ing monster seeing her cry over, what feels like, my selfishness. Problem is she just wont talk to me if something bothers her, she doesnt want to argue or anything, not that it would turn into that but she wont bring up anything thats bothering her period, and then it all boils over, she wants to fix it and i feel like a bastard coz im not sure if i do? any advice? am i selfish?

---

You're not a monster at all, you are doing what most people would consider the responsible thing for yourself and in the end her.

A relationship has to have open lines of communication and problems and concerns need flow flow freely in both directions. When women bottle everything up and wont talk, then snap, I'll admit it pisses me of to no end because I know things can be fixed before that point.

You can't make her do anything, she refuses to tell you things so you hands are bound and you are looking for an out because its stressful. She knows whats wrong and she apparently doesn't want to fix or at least address the problem, rather just continue with a selfish personal behavior pattern.

Even the most patient men in the world will break down over this in time. What you're doing is giving herself and yourself a chance to try and fix it before calling it quits, what you're doing is an honorable thing.

Some women will cry at the drop of a hat and it hurts when you're the guy who initiated it, but sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do.

No, you're not a monster.

Just get your feelings figured out.

IMO, it's not selfish to take a step back and look at the big picture once in a while. If she doesn't open up to you, then she's the selfish one, get me? Maybe she doesn't want to share her feelings because she thinks it's embarrassing. Try to look at it from her point of view before making a decision.

Some questions to ask yourself would be...
"Do I really love her?"
"Do I really want to be with someone who won't share their feelings?"
"Could I talk to her about this problem and see if she'll change her mind?"
"Will it work out afterward?"

Basically, if you say no to the first question, just forget it and end it right there. But to tell you the truth... You can't really love someone until you can love the world around them. Take a deep breath, and get ready for the road that lies ahead, good sir, because it may not be the one you want to take.