Kind of Struggling Here

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07-01-09, 08:20 AM
Marissa85

Kind of Struggling Here

Hey everyone, I'm new and I'm having a bit of trouble and could really use some advice. My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me in November. We started dating during the summer of 2006 when we were both home from college and lived near each other. We continued the relationship during our senior year of college even though we were an hour and a half away from each other because we really loved each other and enjoyed each other's company. Then, last year, he went to grad school two hours away from me. I tried getting a job there, but it didn't work out. I still went to see him every weekend, though. Basically, we've spent the larger part of 2.5 years in a long-distance relationship. We are both 23 now.

The long distance was always harder on him and I knew that, but it was always worth it when we got to see each other. We get along really, really well and don't really fight that often. Usually they're just minor arguments that we get over quickly. As recently as October, he talked about getting married. He was always the one to bring it up.

Anyway, he has been freaking out lately because he is worried that he won't find a job after he graduates or he'll have to move back home. He has no idea what he wants to do after he graduates. He tried getting into a program in Ireland (and he really, really wanted it) but ever since finding out that he was not accepted in October, he's been really unsure of what he wants to do and he's just been freaking out about it. And I understand all this.

Anyway, in November he broke up with me. He said he couldn't be in a relationship right now. He said the distance was too hard and he needs to figure things out. I was devastated. I spent a few days not talking to him after that so I could regroup, but he kept trying to talk to me to tell me he missed me. That just confused me even more! We went to the movies one night while we were broken up a few weeks ago and it was so nice to see him and we got along great.

He wanted to see me when he was home for Christmas break, but since I knew he didn't want to get back together, I said I couldn't see him. I really wanted to get back together but, if he didn't, it just would hurt worse if I saw him. I get angry with him most times we talk because I'm so hurt. We never used to fight but now I just can't help it. The other day I asked him how it was so easy for him to move on and how he could just throw this all away and he said, "I'm not throwing anything away. We're on a break. And it's not easy for me either." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. So, I stopped talking with him and blocked him because it was too much for me. Plus, I think he might be dating someone else now (or they will be dating soon).

I worry we'll both move on if we don't speak to each other and then we'll never get back together. I don't know if I should ignore him and just hope he comes back. Maybe I should just move on. I have no idea! It just sucks because we get along SO well and we didn't break up because we don't like each other anymore. I hope I explained everything ok and didn't leave anything out. Any help would do me wonders.
07-01-09, 08:46 AM
mad_love

Wow...saying, "we're on a break" is sooo selfish. Who does he think he is? You can't just pause a relationship and then press play whenever you want to. He clearly has somethings to make clear before continuing a relationship...and that usually takes time.

I seriously advise you to try and talk with him and ask him about certain things. Why exactly did you break up, why wasn't this a solvable problem...and the most important thing: let him know you cannot and will not wait for him. Go on, live your life and don't turn back. If he he decides after a while he would like to give it another try and if you're over him - so much better for you. Dont let things that look scarry atm frighten you too much.

In short - yes, forget about him. You can't just go "on hold" can you?
07-01-09, 09:23 AM
Lite

1-800-GO-U-HAUL, Rent a truck, MOVE THE HELL ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Seriously. Let him work his crap out. If it works out in the future, great, but why are you wasting your time waiting for him to figure out if you're good enough for him to date?
07-01-09, 10:00 AM
carl1222

OK, I'm basically responding to balance the estrogen flood in the responses so far here. :D

He's as much as told you that he's struggling with figuring out his life right now. You've been on a "break" for less than 2 months, and it seems you are rejecting his overtures to correct that (breaks suck!).

Lite and Mad love ... why are you so quick to advise a guy (Lite at least) to give her some space in the same situation, yet are so quick to advise a girl to dump him to the curb? I don't understand the distinction.

Carl.
07-01-09, 10:11 AM
Lite

Quote:

Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

OK, I'm basically responding to balance the estrogen flood in the responses so far here. :D

He's as much as told you that he's struggling with figuring out his life right now. You've been on a "break" for less than 2 months, and it seems you are rejecting his overtures to correct that (breaks suck!).

Lite and Mad love ... why are you so quick to advise a guy (Lite at least) to give her some space in the same situation, yet are so quick to advise a girl to dump him to the curb? I don't understand the distinction.

Carl.

Because he's already broken up w/ her once? (Read: Not a break) And she's stated that she believes he is already dating someone else. I didn't say that things couldn't work in the future. Just that you cannot wait around for people to come back begging for you.

And when I advise a guy to give her space, it's so that he saves face rather than act like a pathetically needy guy that the woman would find revolting.
07-01-09, 10:33 AM
Marissa85

Great advice, everyone. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

For the record, I don't really think I'm just waiting around for him. I'm not ready to date, but I am meeting people. I've been having a great time with friends too. Sometimes I just get really sad over it all still, hence my posting this thread, haha. I don't know for a fact that he's dating anyone else. He said he wasn't. Some girl that tried to break us up a few times before has suddenly become single and has been hanging out with my ex a lot lately. So while nothing has happened yet, or so he says, I feel like it very well could.

I don't know. It's just all really tough to deal with. I think he's a very confused person right now and it sucks that I have to be dragged into all his confusion. At this point, I am not sure things are repairable because I'm still really angry and hurt because of him. I don't even know if he would consider getting back together down the road anyway, which is why I get so confused when he says "we're on a break". I don't know how I should know if I should take him back if he even wants that eventually.

Haha this sucks.

But thank you all so much!
07-01-09, 11:02 AM
carl1222

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because he's already broken up w/ her once? (Read: Not a break) And she's stated that she believes he is already dating someone else. I didn't say that things couldn't work in the future. Just that you cannot wait around for people to come back begging for you.

And when I advise a guy to give her space, it's so that he saves face rather than act like a pathetically needy guy that the woman would find revolting.

I understand that, Lite ... and I think your advice is always brilliant.

Initially it was a "breakup" which he relatively quickly reconsidered and called a "break." But unless you are willing to consider every breakup an irreconcilable act, you have to look at the subsequent actions as important.

So if it's significant that she "think[s] he might be dating someone else now (or they will be dating soon)", I would question that belief.

Right now, she is acting as if she wants to push him away permanently. If that's her intention, fine. If not ... then why the games (or the post)?

Carl.
07-01-09, 04:12 PM
Cbrider

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marissa85 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Great advice, everyone. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

For the record, I don't really think I'm just waiting around for him. I'm not ready to date, but I am meeting people. I've been having a great time with friends too. Sometimes I just get really sad over it all still, hence my posting this thread, haha. I don't know for a fact that he's dating anyone else. He said he wasn't. Some girl that tried to break us up a few times before has suddenly become single and has been hanging out with my ex a lot lately. So while nothing has happened yet, or so he says, I feel like it very well could.

I don't know. It's just all really tough to deal with. I think he's a very confused person right now and it sucks that I have to be dragged into all his confusion. At this point, I am not sure things are repairable because I'm still really angry and hurt because of him. I don't even know if he would consider getting back together down the road anyway, which is why I get so confused when he says "we're on a break". I don't know how I should know if I should take him back if he even wants that eventually.

Haha this sucks.

But thank you all so much!

It doesn't sound like the guy had an agenda or malicious intent when he broke with you. He sounds like a lot of people during this rough time, over stressed and taking a radical look into the future. He sounds like hes not really sure of why he did what he did or not full aware of what he did, like hes in a fantasy world.

Look, you're 23 years old and at one of the highest activity levels of your life. If your enjoying yourself, just continue to do so and if you still miss him, well thats to be expected.

People move on at different rates and levels, if it take a month so be it, if it takes a year so be that. What you can't do is put your life on hold, you are wayyyyyyyyyyy to young to tie yourself up. My biggest fear is looking back on my life and saying "man i wish I would have done _____."

The guy obviously has some stuff going on that he can't handle in a mature way ATM, so just let him be. The best thing YOU can do is to try as hard as you can to NOT hold onto hope, but to make every attempt to try everything you want.

If the guy likes you, he WILL be back. Contrary to how we are portrayed, guys don't just kick you to the curb, a lot of us have second thoughts and oversights.

Like I said, best thing you can do is to be happy and do what YOU want to do. Don't worry about him, he will be just fine given time and so will you.