Four Wonderful[ly] Sick Years Gone
When I was reading the thread about "3 years lost. I need some advice...", the whole time I was reading the post, I was thinking "Wow, I am not alone...", so I felt that I might as well tell my story so I don't have to hold it inside of me anymore.
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My Story
I got out of a relationship of 4 years back in November, not sure when, but I'd say about 2pm on the 10th (yes, that was the exact time). When I say "got out of a relationship", I mean she wanted to "take some time for herself".
What a sick joke, I knew for a fact that she had spent the weekend prior to the "split" at the guy's house. She even had video proof on her camera of her kissing the guy. She wouldn't admit up to even going out with him until 3 weeks after the fact, due to "not wanting to hurt me", or so was her excuse. It was such a slap in my know she left me for someone else and lied to me about the fact, at least until I broke down one night and got it out of her.
I really should have of seen it coming though, within the first month I was dating the girl, she had kissed her ex. That was a tough blow, but she was my first real girlfriend (mostly because I am extremely shy), so we got through that and the relationship flourished. Time went by, and out of the blue she was going to go to a party with another guy, that she admitted to liking. I chose to go to that party, and she didn't invite him, which turned out to be a BLAST of a party, which strengthened our relationship. For the next couple months, I knew she still wanted to go out with the guy, but then he got into a relationship with another girl. Boy, was she talking crap about the girl every time she was mentioned, but it didn't bother me because I still had the girl I loved desperately.
Time went by, things seemed great, me and the girl were (in my mind) madly in love, then in 2006, her senior year, I got a tough blow. She had left me, close to the start of her school year (I had graduated earlier that year). I couldn't fathom it, we were close as hell, even as she was with him, we couldn't of been closer, and yet she left me. It was a HUGE blow, because she even said I did nothing wrong, so they was nothing for me to blame it on. She was with the guy for about 3 months, and I never told anyone about mine and her's break up. He turned out to be a complete a$$hole, which kind of made her not trust guys, which was fine with me. We got back together, no one in my life even knowing about the break up to make up.
In 2007, she graduated, moved in with her godmother, and I followed along. Times were tough sometimes, but we really were happy living together for the most part and amazingly stayed close. For a while I could sense a little bit of tension, and I was extremely jealous about guys she worked with that liked her and she liked back. I kept a firm stance that if she ever cheated, I wouldn't ever take her back. It kept her from following through with any of her crushed (to my knowledge), and made things a little tough at times, but I was willing to work for her.
Then, in November of 2008, we split, out of the blue, so she could be with this new guy. I currently still live at her godmother's, and neither of us has told my family or her godmother about our split up. My ex, however, has spent almost everyday since the break up, practically living with the new guy. I partially feel like she is a slut for doing that, because it is sick that she hadn't even been going out with him for a week or two and she only comes back to her godmother's to do laundry since then. Not to mention, it is tough seeing her myspace saying "I love him" "Oh he is the greatest" "We will be together forever". It really hurts me so bad, and I go insane almost every single night.
Now, before ANYONE leaves any replies, I will warn you foremost that my ex is still my best and ONLY friend. My shyness and social anxiety tore me and my ex apart for the most part. I know this for a fact, she is a social butterfly and I can't even be around her friends without feeling like I am suffocating from the pressure (even though I like most of them). It is a problem I have had to deal with since I was a kid, and cost me any friend I could of made along the way (I felt awkward and nervous even being around my best friend when I was a kid). Yes, she made stupid stupid choices along the way, as did I (although, I have, and still am, stayed committed to her and ONLY her). I know if I were more open to hanging out with her friends or doing social things with them or even liked a couple of her friends, things probably would be different right now. I can't change the past, but I am certain I can learn from it and know what I need to work on if I would ever like to make a relationship work in the future. My ex is still the love of my life though, and although I know it is completely stupid to feel this way, I still want to marry her someday. I know, I know; once a cheater, always a cheater, but I, I don't know.
So, what I really would like, is to know if there is anything I can do to move on and past what has happened. I really don't want to jump into any relationships for a while, and I can't fathom continue being destroyed about the relationship, that is more than likely completely over. I really would like to move on with my life, and just leave her as my best friend, the ex. I will say that I won't let her leave me on the back burner in case something happens between them, but I don't feel comfortable anywhere else. I just don't know where to go from here, and although I seem fine, I have had time to accept it, but nowhere even close to being over it (kind of still at the beginning).
AND, just because I wanted to get this off my chest, the Friday before the "split", I made plans a week in advance to go to a sushi place (her favorite food), I had EVERYTHING planned and all, and she ditched me to be with "her friends". I got SUPER mad (I didn't really let her know about my madness though), mostly in part because I was going to ask her to marry me... yeah... marry me, and I had the sushi chef plan out a special surprise and everything... I am kind of glad that I hadn't made that mistake since they were probably already together, but it really kills me every time I think about it and have never told anyone about it...
