Am I messed up or what? @_@

Printable View

16-01-09, 10:24 PM
Indestructible

Am I messed up or what? @_@

Let me start off by saying, this isn't meant to be any kind of sob story... But I have lots of "issues" that hold me back from meeting people, socializing, and especially finding a nice relationship. The reason I'm posting everything here, now, is because I've been carrying a lot of these "issues" for so long, and I just don't know how to get over them, and get rid of them. Just to help better to put things into perspective, I'm a 20 year old guy, currently taking college classes, and have never so much as properly flirted with a girl, let alone had a date or a relationship.

So let's get started with some of my problems. Let's start with appearance and physical attributes; now, I don't think I'm a bad looking guy, in general, but I ain't exactly the type of guy that's turning heads, if yanno what I'm saying. The big "issue" here, though, is my height. I'm about 5'3", I'd say. Not so nice, because height seems to be a big deal to a lot of girls. People on forums always say "Well, go after shorter girls!", but A) many of the girls I come in contact with are at least my height or a little taller (and the shorter girls I've met in passing are old enough to be my mother or grandmother...), and B) seems like even a lot of shorter girls want a fairly tall guy. To make matters worse, BECAUSE of my height, people often mistake me for being under the age of twelve (some one has literally mistaken me for that age recently! ugh...). So, now I can see why girls don't consider me, because after all, what 20 year old girl wants to date a 12 year old boy? :/

Now things get more complicated... Emotionally, I'm kind of a mess... See, back in high school, freshmen year, I fell in with a bad crowd. For four years straight, they did nothing but harass me, abuse me, and pretty much tear me down completely. It was hell. I pretty much have no confidence in myself because of that experience, and because I lack confidence, I tend to be a fairly shy, quiet, to myself kind of person. Which, of course, only furthers my lack of attractive qualities. After high school, I haven't made any effort to make friends (I think I'm kind of at a point where I don't feel I can trust anyone after the people I spent time with in high school); I'm kind of a homebody, anyway, I don't really care for partying or getting all crazy. I do have what I consider "work friends", people I work with at my part time job. Of course, I don't really connect with them well enough to want to hang out with them outside of work; even at work, I don't tend to jump into conversations, or do a lot of talking. Most of the time, I just kind of nod a long, maybe saying "Yeah" or "Mhmm", but not really much else. To be fair, though, I have poor conversational skills, too, so I tend to not think of good things to say...

And here's the thing that really bothers me... By now, you should have guessed that my real goal here is to date, find a relationship, etc. General socializing isn't that big of a concern to me. Well here's the thing... I have trouble finding girls that I'm "attracted" to (and I'm not talking specifically in a physical sense, I'm talking about the whole package). I don't know why, but I just can never really find a girl I "click" with. There have only been, like, two girls I've been interested in my whole life; one of them I've actually known since we were little kids, and actually, I was still trying to get together with her recently, but things are REALLY complicated with her, I didn't properly show her that I'd be a good match for her, and now I'm just starting to kinda give up on her, realizing that things will probably never get anywhere with her. :/ Girl number two was actually some one I met in high school. Actually, that was kind of a messed up scenario; my "friends" from high school didn't like this girl and, before I had even really met her, they spread rumors that I had this big crush on her, and she seemed to take an interest. She was kind of a shy, quiet, not-so-confident person, like me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I just tried to distance myself as best I could. The ironic thing was, though, by the end of high school, I did kinda like her, and she probably would've gone out with me, but I just didn't have it in me to go for it. Kind of a shame, really, we probably would've made a nice little couple; if nothing else, it would've been a nice "first relationship" for me... Ah well.

So, there ya have it. I know I kinda droned on for a while, but I just wanted to get everything out there. Now my question is... what do I do with all this? Part of me really wants to change, but the other part of me just doesn't feel strong enough to do so. A lot of these issues have consumed me for so long, I just don't know HOW to break away from them, and HOW to "change". So, let's see what you guys have to say.
17-01-09, 12:22 PM
AirbenderAang

Sounds like you need to work on your social skills and confidence issues. I highly recommend you see a counselor. They are great people to talk about personal issues and can be a great tool to personal growth.

It is true that many girls prefer taller men, but that is definitely not true of all girls. You must have faith that the girl who is right will love you for who you are. Also, you must learn to love yourself for who you are.
17-01-09, 03:21 PM
Cain

Since you're a shy person that lacks social skills, you're probably not very confident about cold approaching women. I have a challenge for you that will probably make you shiver in fear, but I assure you that if you do it you'll notice a huge improvement in your ability to approach.

Pick a weekend that you aren't doing anything and go to a club. You're 18 so you can get in. I'm not asking you to find a girl in there for a relationship. What you need to do is work on 10 approaches per night. Friday and Saturday. You don't need to work on finding long conversations. Just work on being able to walk up to a woman and strike up a little conversation. Maybe ask her a few questions. Tell her that you're new to the area and that you're wondering where some other good clubs are.

Whether you're a party person or not doesn't matter. The reason you're going to a club is because there will be a good amount of women to approach. If you really want to work on this, you'll have to suck it up and do it.
18-01-09, 12:13 AM
Gigabitch

First of all, you need to get some facial hair going on. That should cut down on the confusion about your age.

It sounds like you've given up on 100% of the girls you've ever been interested in. Why? What do you have to lose?
18-01-09, 01:52 AM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It sounds like you've given up on 100% of the girls you've ever been interested in. Why? What do you have to lose?

Heh, well, to be fair, I've only ever REALLY been interested in those two girls I mentioned before. Like I said, one was just a nice girl I knew during high school, which was almost two years ago, and the other girl, the one I've been very interested in for a while, the situation is just too complicated, and she doesn't seem as interested as I am, anyway. Nothing much I can do about that, yanno?
18-01-09, 03:28 AM
fi123

Hi I have a male friend who is about 5 foot 3 like yourself and is about 50and to be honest he does not have trouble attracting women, I even went out with him myself for a while a few years back and I am five foot 6 (and an awful lot younger than him). And i know for a fact that he has gone out with other women taller than himself. And i would not say he is the most attractive man in the world, but he is very confident with women without being slimy and he works out regularly so he has a nice body. and to be honest...he had rather a small penis!....but this doesn't seem to put all women off, he has been with his current girlfriend, who is a yoga instructor, for about 3 years. And remember you are only looking for one girl, not necessarily loads, and i am sure the right woman would not be put off by your height. If she was..then she wouldn't be the right woman of course!

To be honest the way my friend attracts women is more through his confidence and flirting skills, he is attentive towards women but never a doormat and and is emotionally intelligent. He also can make women laugh. However i know he has been building these skills over the years, he was not always like that, he was very shy when younger. He is of course more than fully aware that there are some women who would not go out with men shorter than him, but it certainly does not put him off.

I also see couples, either in real life or on tv where the female is taller than the male.

I think your biggest problem is your attitude to it. The best you can do is keep yourself physically in shape, get some hobbies/ life experiences that you can talk about, do some counselling, maybe book on some courses to help with confidence/ assertiveness. Maybe if you could make some new male friends they could help you with how to approach girls.

I am pretty sure someone will come along for you.
23-01-09, 07:55 AM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by fi123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi I have a male friend who is about 5 foot 3 like yourself and is about 50and to be honest he does not have trouble attracting women, I even went out with him myself for a while a few years back and I am five foot 6 (and an awful lot younger than him). And i know for a fact that he has gone out with other women taller than himself. And i would not say he is the most attractive man in the world, but he is very confident with women without being slimy and he works out regularly so he has a nice body. and to be honest...he had rather a small penis!....but this doesn't seem to put all women off, he has been with his current girlfriend, who is a yoga instructor, for about 3 years. And remember you are only looking for one girl, not necessarily loads, and i am sure the right woman would not be put off by your height. If she was..then she wouldn't be the right woman of course!

To be honest the way my friend attracts women is more through his confidence and flirting skills, he is attentive towards women but never a doormat and and is emotionally intelligent. He also can make women laugh. However i know he has been building these skills over the years, he was not always like that, he was very shy when younger. He is of course more than fully aware that there are some women who would not go out with men shorter than him, but it certainly does not put him off.

I also see couples, either in real life or on tv where the female is taller than the male.

I think your biggest problem is your attitude to it. The best you can do is keep yourself physically in shape, get some hobbies/ life experiences that you can talk about, do some counselling, maybe book on some courses to help with confidence/ assertiveness.

I guess... It's just so hard to "teach" myself to become confident, yanno? I'm sure things would probably be different if I were a confident, charismatic, outgoing individual; but I'm more of the quiet, modest, introverted kind of guy. I'd love to be the former rather than the latter, but I have such a difficult time pushing myself out of that comfort zone, for some reason; it's like there's this weird mental block that stops me every time I try to go further. I know I have it in me to be more charismatic, as I seem to have no problems being a lot more open to family members; many of them would probably agree that I have a great personality. But as soon as it comes to total strangers or people I'm not related to, I just can't bring myself to open up properly.

Quote:

Maybe if you could make some new male friends they could help you with how to approach girls.

Typically, yeah, that's how things work. But my problem is, every time I try to get in with a new group of people, I always end up as the butt of everyone's jokes. Always. With some groups, it's worse than others (with some, it's mostly innocent teasing, but I lack so much confidence, I even take that to heart), but that always seems to be the role I fall into. :/ I'm just not assertive or "dominant" enough to stop myself from becoming "that" guy, I guess.