Un-messing of messed up guys?

Ok so I’ll try and keep this brief. Get tired of reading long posts myself ☺.

For those of you who can't be bothered reading it all here's a short question: If a guy says he's not in love with you, what are the chances he might change his mind if he in all his actions show that he really cares for you?


So I like this guy. He just to live where I do, but now he works away so isn’t here all too often. When I first met him he had a girlfriend, so I never contemplated it, but to be fair it took me about a year to know him enough to call him a friend and about another six months before I started liking him. It was at a party, we both felt attracted to each other but nothing happened. Later I asked him for coffee to find out what was going on and we ended up making out. Then later he tells me he’s not up for a relationship for a variety of reasons, like that he’s not been single for a long time and wants to be for a while, before he’s “too old” for it. He’s also resigned from his job and is moving too a new place. So lots of unknowns. The thing is, after this he started pursuing me a lot through text messages.

The more I talk to him the more I understand that it’s probably not a good idea for us to be in a relationship right now. I’m in a similarily unknown place to where he is, just about to decide on my future careers, looking for a job, not knowing where I’ll end up etc.

Despite what he’s said about all this, everytime we’re in the same place we see each other, usually spending all the possible time together. We have sex, which might not be the brightest thing, but we just can’t keep our hand off each other there is so much attraction. He tried for a while not to sleep with me because he didn’t want to lead me on/hurt me, but that didn’t make either of us any happier and so didn’t last long. Anyway, it’s not just sex we talk all the time (when we’re together) about everything and I feel like I know him much better everytime he’s been.

We’re such a comfort to each other though. Every time we’re together it’s like a little bubble in which we can both forget all the crap in the world. At the moment this is the nicest thing in my life.

Despite all the good things about us he hasn’t changed his mind about a relationship, but now I know him better I feel it’s more about his life being so insecure at the moment, he doesn’t want to make commitments or demands. I understand him and I don’t want to pressure him, because I feel that would just turn away from me completely and I don’t know if I could cope. I’d like to think that maybe at some point in the future we can be a couple.

Apart from what he’s said, I know he cares for me very much. I get sad sometimes when we talk about this, and I know he feels really bad about hurting me. He’s always saying nice things about me and the other day I had a fight with my flat mate and I ended up crying on his shoulder for hours, he was really supportive.

He’s said that he likes me a lot (in so many different ways) but that he’s not in love with me. Could that change? Do you guys think there’s a chance that in the future we could be a couple, or is this final? If you think there might be a chance, what do you think is the best way to act so that he’ll come back to me. I know this sounds pathetic, I just need someone’s objective opinion.

Thank you so much ☺

Anna

Well, for one, your thread title is a bit deceiving. He's not messed up at all, seems like a good chap to me, just because he's not tying himself down doesn't mean that his life is messy. It looks more as if he's not willing (and unfortunately for you, not in love) to start a serious relationship with you, and if he's moving away as well your best bet is to let it go and if the chance comes the two of you can give it another shot in a couple of years when things are different.

Frankly, its his call, accept it. If he finds out that he wants to give things a try after all he'll stay, if not he'll leave. Its just the way it is.

Anna, I agree with Lipp. He's stated that he doesn't see you as someone he has a potential future with. That's about as clear as it gets. Sorry, but I'd move on if I were you.

Could he change his mind in the future? Anything's possible, but I don't think there is anything you can do to make him change it. In the meantime, wouldn't you rather put your energy into something that has more potential for reciprocation?

And don't pay any attention to Voxx. He's a troll.

Thank you both for your replies.

Yes, he's a good guy. Maybe the thread title is deceiving but in my opinion we're both in slightly messy situations in life at the moment. I can't give you all the details as to why i think this because we'd be here all day.

I have accepted that he doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment. I'm not trying to change his mind though I wish he would. I don't want to give up our friendship though. Is that naive?

And yes, I would like to put my energy into a relationship with someone there's a future with but at the moment this guy is where y heart is. I tried to flirt with someone last week, but my heart just wasn't in it. And i think guys can tell.

Anna, I don't think you should remain friends with him if keeping him in your life is making it hard to become attracted to other guys. Of course those poor other guys don't stand a chance with Mr. Unrequited Love in your life.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd start phasing him out of your life until your feelings for him subside. You're really juking yourself out of the chance to have a real reciprocal relationship by being friends with him.

Mr unrequited love... I like that :)

You are right I suppose. I'll try not to contact him for a while, and see how that works. Will be hard though. We have friends and interests in common, so probably won't work 100% but he's not here that often I suppose. We definitely won't meet for at least 3 weeks now.

thanks.

So, because he's taking time to figure out his life now rather than 15 years later when he's married you and decides that he hates himself, he's screwed up? Sounds like he knows he isn't happy and is willing to take the time to adjust himself to be who he wants to be, rather than who he is currently.

Just because you two slip into some mode of comfort when near each other doesn't mean that he feels you'd be a good companion. It means you two simply have a habit of slipping into old comfy trappings of the past.

Maybe you should just find someone else who's actually interested in you, instead of pining for a guy who isn't while you pass up those who might be.

I agree with others - you shuld find someone else and forget him.