Any help would be, well, helpful
I'm not even sure what I hope to surmise out of posting this besides a fresh take on the situation, but I need some serious help dealing with this.
I'm a 24 year old female who suffers time to time from depression. I moved to a big city on my own on my 22nd birthday. At that point in my life I had never had a boyfriend and was a virgin mostly because I had never met anyone that I was truly compatible with.
As soon as I moved I met someone. He was my neighbor. From the moment I met him I thought he was something pretty special. We immediately hit it off and were attracted to each other. I feel very embarrassed saying this, but I felt a bit destined to be with him. I had spent 22 years around boys that I never liked and this was the first time that I had ever met someone I could actually see myself with.
I fell pretty hard and fast for him. We fooled around for a bit but eventually decided to end it since we were neighbors. I was also unsure if what I was feeling was simply naivety.
So, I ended up spending every single day for the next year with him. We lived together technically, since we were in the same building. I spent any time that I wasn't working or sleeping with him. And our friendship blossomed. There was never a single moment of awkward silence between the two of us. Every single flaw that he had I completely overlooked. And I was amazed that I was completely being myself and that he never once thought I was weird.
I met all of his friends and family and he met mine. I can never speak for him, but for me everything seemed too perfect. Before I even knew what happened I was in love with the best friend I had ever had.
For some reason my self-esteem got the best of me. I would be so happy around him then when I left I would cry because I was afraid that he didn't feel the same way.
Then one night without saying anything to each other we just had sex. I didn't tell him that I was a virgin. I was so terrified that I would scare him. I deeply regret this. After that night I tried and tried to let him know but I just couldn't get it out of my mouth. And things become awkward because I don't think that he could understand why I wasn't jumping at the opportunity to do it again.
After about 3 weeks of not talking about the situation we were out and I saw him kiss another girl. My emotions got the best of me and I slapped him in the face and ran home. Embarrassing, I know. By the time I reached our apartment he was there waiting for me. I told him everything and just as I expected he kind of freaked out about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he couldn't be with me because "he would just marry me" and that he wasn't ready for that.
I really have no idea what that means.
Since then my relationship with him has spiraled out of control. My jealousy got the best of me too many times. At one point we stopped talking. After this happened he came to me crying and told me that he was going to fail out of school because I had devastated his heart. He told me that I was his muse and that he loved me but that for some reason he just couldn't be with me. His contradictions drove me batshit crazy.
I stopped talking to him again. Then the next time I saw him he had a girlfriend which he drunkenly told me that "he didn't care about" then he asked me to elope with him and I told him no.
And the last time I talked to him I asked him about all of the crazy things he had said and he told me that he didn't remember any of it. Then he told me that we would never be together and to leave him alone.
?
I feel like a very stupid girl right now. And I can't get over this. It's been 4 months since I talked to him. I miss him. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I just don't know what to do.
Yeah.
