Under The Influence?

Many people have told me that no one stays a virgin till the day that they are married. As these are my plans. They say this because they think that once you get in a sexual situation and the tension is rising sometimes you can't think like you normally would. It's like the sexual testosterone just takes over your body and you want to please and be pleased and if you would normally say no maybe you can't when you actaully let someone touch you. Are these people right or just trying to scare me? :astonish:

In ways....yes and no. I can't speak for people that are older, but as many of us younger people know, raging hormones between the two people can overcome a person's will and adjective morals. This becomes increasingly difficult if love or "puppy" love is involved, as the two's emotions and raw experiences take the best of the situation. However, for that too work you both obviously have to have equal feelings in the moment. It cannot be one sided.

In a lot of cases though, it comes down to one thing and that is emotion/feeling vs Your dedecated morals. Its not impossible for one to say no even if they want to have sex, and the person you want to have it with should understand that moral your holding onto if you decide you really want to wait.

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Originally Posted by Innova

In ways....yes and no. I can't speak for people that are older, but as many of us younger people know, raging hormones between the two people can overcome a person's will and adjective morals. This becomes increasingly difficult if love or "puppy" love is involved, as the two's emotions and raw experiences take the best of the situation. However, for that too work you both obviously have to have equal feelings in the moment. It cannot be one sided.

In a lot of cases though, it comes down to one thing and that is emotion/feeling vs Your dedecated morals. Its not impossible for one to say no even if they want to have sex, and the person you want to have it with should understand that moral your holding onto if you decide you really want to wait.

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Well I personally think that sex should be reserved for marriage but the way people talk it's like sometimes you are in a position that you can't say no like you normally would, like the feelings just take you over and then it happens weather you want it to or not. That's just what i'm told.

Its true that sometimes your emotions can completely take over. Innova is right, the younger you are the less control you seem to have. Especially when it comes to sexual tension. You'll just keep wanting more and more eventually.

And for the no side. Yes, its possible (and has happened alot from what i hear) is that just before you think you will do it; you stop and say no. Before I lost my virginity, I said no 3 times because I wasn't ready. Luckily I was with someone that cared about me enough to not make a big deal of it and enjoy the moment that were having to begin with. Then when I said yes, the moment became more real and exciting because I trusted him.

Its all your choice when you come down to it. Even if you really want to, you can still stop. Although, except in 2 of my friends cases where they were drunk :P that was pretty much a lose - lose situation and they are very dissapointed to lose it that way.

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Originally Posted by Fawn

Its Innova is right, the younger you are the less control you seem to have.

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Not true. Depends on the person. It was far easier for me to say no when I was younger. I was quite satisfied to wait, and not because of any one belief. Now I'm in my thirties and it is a lot harder for me to say no. I have no idea why. It just is. I still SAY no, (unless I'm in a loving relationship), but it's harder than it used to be. Besides just look at all the adultry going on. These people are usually older, (having been married for a while) Do they look in control to you?
Sweetie, Innova is right about weighing your convictions though. If you believe in your heart that you MUST wait until you are married, then I don't see you having a problem. Just don't let a guy you get involved with persuade you to do something you don't want to do. Make up your own mind. And yes, temptation will always be there, but that is in many aspects of our lives. Mind over matter. That's all it is. But as Fawn says, alcohol can play a role in losing your control. Not just with sex, but everything. That's why there is a drinking age and so many laws that govern where, when and how much we are allowed to drink.

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Originally Posted by sweetie_88

Many people have told me that no one stays a virgin till the day that they are married. As these are my plans. They say this because they think that once you get in a sexual situation and the tension is rising sometimes you can't think like you normally would. It's like the sexual testosterone just takes over your body and you want to please and be pleased and if you would normally say no maybe you can't when you actaully let someone touch you. Are these people right or just trying to scare me? :astonish:

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I think they're pretty much right. "In the heat of the moment" is really when you'll have the LEAST control. And it's WORSE if it's your first boyfriend or real significant other because the emotions and feelings will be new and will seem VERY powerful to you.

Another reason that many people might say that no one stays a virgin till they're married is because lots of guys out there WILL NOT marry a person they haven't had sex with. That's to say that many guys out there will not court a girl for years with the intention of marriage without having started to have sex with her at some point in the relationship. So even if YOU have the control to repeatedly say no, lots of times guys will get so frustrated that they will end up leaving the relationship. It all depends on the guy.

And that DOESN'T mean they're bad guys. I'm one of those guys. I'm 21, I'm still a virgin, but like I've said in many threads past, I will NOT be waiting until my wedding night. I'm just waiting for someone that I care about enough and am in love with to make it that much more special. But I WILL NOT go through years of courtship having to deal with the sexual frustration of so many nights when I would WANT to take it that far, but never do. And knowing that the NEXT time I would want to take it that far, it won't happen either. It gets to you after a while.

Lastly, I HAVE heard of a few instances where the two people getting married were both virgins. However, in ALL the cases that I've seen, it's been (in my opinion) a VERY short period of dating, and a VERY short engagement. I'm talking the LONGEST I've seen between 'meeting' the person and 'marrying' the person is 18 months. Which, in my opinion, is ridiculous. I would want to date someone for AT LEAST two years or so and have AT LEAST an engagement that's long enough to make all the plans WAY ahead of time (so probably 8 months or so). I would HATE to only date for a few months, then get engaged with a quickly thrown together wedding just for the sake of getting that stupid little certificate. To me, the time with the person is the important part, not 'Oh my God I need to change my legal status PRONTO!'

And with the amount of time that I intend to be with someone before wedlock, I know I won't be happy doing it all without the comfort of us giving ourselves fully and completely to each other. I know I won't be happy if for years and years we had to 'sneak around' here or there just to MAYBE fool around a little bit.

Lots of guys have a time-limit. I've heard PLENTY of guys say, "If I don't get it within three dates, then I forget about her." I've heard guys say, "The longest I've EVER had to wait was three months. And that was only for one or two girls. The rest were much sooner." Me? my last girlfriend and I were together for a little over a year. But I got frustrated too. And she saw the frustration and so broke up with me and wants to remain friends in case she should 'realize' in the near future that she wants to do this with me. If we're still friends, she has a chance of getting back together with me again. If I were to have broken it off with her, I wouldn't have wanted to remain friends and so she would NOT have a chance to get back together with me. And yes, although she won't say it to my face, I believe a big reason for the breakup was "sex".

She had a mentality like you, sweetie_88, in that she (of course AFTER dating for a year) told me that she really doesn't want to have sex before getting married. When we first met and first started dating she told me flat out, "Listen. You're a nice guy, but I just want to let you know that if you're looking for sex I'm not the right girl. I'm very conservative and you're not going to get sex anytime soon. I'm just telling you because I don't want you to waste your time with me and waste my time if this is what you're after." It wasn't what I'm after, so I didn't worry too much about it. However she NEVER told me that she wanted to wait until marriage. I thought she thought like me and wanted it to be part of a serious relationship. But apparently she didn't want it EVEN in a serious relationship. Only after getting a signed document stating "husband and wife". Which to ME, is ridiculous.

So if you start dating and stuff and feel like you want to wait until marriage, I just ask you to let whoever you're dating know upfront that you are. Because otherwise it probably WILL be just a waste of both your times. Guys that hear this and know that they DON'T want to wait till marriage will hopefully just realize that it's not gonna work out between you and leave you alone. Whereas if you just say, "Not anytime soon . . . ", well we all have different definitions of what is considered 'soon'. For some guys, three dates is too long. For others, three months. For me, I started feeling frustrated about 8 months into the relationship. So let them know not until marriage.

Alexi

PS - In case you're thinking of how awesome my ex-girlfriend is and how if SHE can stick to it, you can too, you're wrong. She's not a virgin. She lost her virginity at 15 to her first boyfriend who, after two weeks of dating her, used her emotions against her by saying, "If you really loved me you would do this with me." Then he cheated on her twice (that she knows of), ended up giving her an STD (which was cured, fortunately. Cause herpes, the MOST common one, is NOT cureable). After THAT experience is when she decided that she's going to 'wait until marriage'.

Also, she's messed around with a number of guys. Many of which used her just for a little fooling around and then would tell her after a few nights of getting some sort of pleasure that its not "working out" or that they feel they now need to "see other people". Some of which weren't worried about getting sex from her because (she found out) they were getting it behind her back WHILE dating her.

So technically, although she's trying to hold this bar and keep this thing as "sacred" as she can after messing up multiple times before in her life, I'm a hell of a lot more pure than her. And that's what ticks me off THE MOST. How she can **** around with this guy and that guy and this guy, and then when she finds me, the ONLY guy who'se treated her great, never used her, never fooled around behind her back, who has been patient and caring, for some reason I'm STILL not good enough for her. And that annoys me.

Alexi

Yeah i can totally see it from both points of view. I just hope that when it comes time to make the choice I can make the right one.

WOW alexi! Thats pretty deep! I am in 100% agreement with you!! *nods head*

Sweetie, when it comes down to it, its your choice and I do hope you make the right one. Whatever that choice may be. Good Luck!

Thanks guys for all of your support. I really appreciate it!! :baby: